He Makes Beauty from Ashes

Well, hmm, I will start with hello. Hey!

So this past week or so has been...good/hard/amazing/terrible/painful/joyful. You get the point. I have been so engulfed in just working through everything that I haven't even been able to get on my blog. I haven't known where to even start. Even now I struggle with where to begin.

We have had some awesome teachings lately but last Tuesday we had a teaching that began this whole battle I am currently waging.
The teaching was on strongholds. It talked about the 6 strongholds that build the walls of the box that we live in. The strongholds were Phobia-->Criticism-->Egoism-->Comparison-->Arrogance-->Control

As we worked through the list, I could barely think straight. The dude was like talking directly to me. Not literally, but the message was me in a nutshell.

Over the course of my life, I have bought into so many lies. Lies that tell me that I have to be perfect. my life has become a performance. Make good grades, be a good friend, be a good Christian, eat healthy, workout, have a perfect body, be involved, never be weak. The lies go on and on and on. It is like I have lived inside this internal pressure cooker. And it doesn't matter where I go because I carry this pressure with me. I cannot escape myself.

By accepting all the world's standards of what it means to be a good person, no a perfect person, I have become someone who operates out of fear. No one can see it from the outside because from the outside I look perfect. And I also had parents who helped me work through a lot of it, so that watered it down a lot. But those fears that I have created around myself just led to the domino effect. I became critical of others but mostly of myself because I believed I had a standard I had to meet. To cope with all this, I became arrogant and comparing. I would encourage myself by saying I was doing better than that person, and I would become depressed when I saw I wasn't as good as someone else. Then when it all would become too much....CONTROL.

Its exhausting just talking about it. I mean here I was in this pretty little box with my perfect bow on top but underneath it all, I was living in so much fear. Always afraid of not being enough. Always striving for perfection, and beating myself up inside when I did not meet the standards I had set.

Shew, I am tired now. ;) but really....

So, as all of this was being laid on the table, I was in my head just going omg this is me, but what do I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The dude eventually laid out how to counteract each one of these strongholds which brought some light to the situation, but, nonetheless, I left with a pretty heavy heart yet so much peace. It felt good to finally understand everything running through the inside. I think when I talk about what is going on people tend to think I know what I am talking about cause it comes out clear, but on the inside I literally am a big jumble of blah. Thus, it felt good to hear someone shine light on the jumble in me, and put to words what my insides were trying to say. But I knew I had a lot to work out with the Lord.

That is when it all began....

The Lord spent the next few days pouring out truth in my life. He revealed past memories that I had been suppressing. He revealed sin that I was withholding. Literally, he just started shedding light on everything. And then....he asked me to not only realize it but repent and ask for healing. I have been learning that forgiveness come from asking the Lord to forgive you and others, but healing comes from speaking the truth into the open--aka confessing it. That, honestly, was horrifying to me. To ask for forgiveness was hard enough, but to go to these people and admit what I had done and be willing to publicly speak about some of these secrets I had been harboring was like a nightmare....

But the pain that I felt holding it in just wasn't worth it anymore. The pain was greater than the strength I had to keep the secret and keep hiding. So I chose to be obedient to the call.

I have spent the last few days, asking for forgiveness. And last night, for the first time, I admitted publicly my true testimony. I sat in a room and told people all the little lies I had promised I would never speak.

I thought doing all this would be hard. And, not going to lie, it was. But it was getting the courage to do it that was hard. The actual doing it, was not. And the response from the people around me has been nothing but love. nothing but encouragement. nothing but a picture of Christ. There was no judgment, in fact, I was immediately covered with prayer and I looked around to see girls breaking for my pain. Rather than seeing what I had done as terrible, they saw the pain that I had been living in. They saw a little girl who was trapped in lies and was dying just to get her breathe. Their hearts broke for me. WOW. It is in these moments that I realize why Jesus is the only way. He put that empathy in their hearts for me. He loves in that way. He is the reason they can see me and feel such pain and hurt for me. Shew, He is the only way to live this life. I don't know how anyone else can make it without Him.

Though it seems that would be the end of all this pain, it is not. God is healing me right now. He is bringing to light all of the past in order that I might be free from it. But He is always building strength in me...I don't quite understand why the Lord is allowing what He is allowing or how He is going to use it, but I know there is a reason. You see, for the past year and a half, I have struggled with illness. I have gone from one sickness to the next. I have been dealing with back pain. I have been having nightmares. I  have a constant tiredness that no doctor can seem to figure out how to fix. And I have a heart that longs for things which I cannot have. And with all of that, I am trying to redefine beauty and believe that I am beautiful.

I don't even know how to explain the attack I feel. A part of me has been so angry at God. Like if He is this good and mighty God then why won't He heal me? If He loves me so much then why after months and months and months of praying for this and having prayer over me, why has He not taken it away? I am so exhausted. I wake up everyday so exhausted. And some days, it's not a big deal. Some days, I just become numb to it, and can push through, but other days, other days I just wonder how I am going to make it through the next hour. It is such a mental battle, and sometimes I just don't feel like fighting anymore. Sometimes, I just want to know why God won't just take it away. I am dying to serve Him. I am dying to live my life for Him. I want to go on my outreach phase and be able to serve with all my heart, my soul, and my strength, but it baffles me how I can do that when I am so consumed with the pain I feel. And everyone hears this and thinks they have the answer. They think they have the key to making me feel better. They think I have to choose to get up and go and live life, but I am! I am here at YWAM. I am living. I may not always be happy, but I have joy. Days get hard, but I am still choosing to live.

I don't say any of this to get a pity party or to make people see how holy and righteous I am. I say this because in my heart this is how I feel, and knowing that will help people understand the next thing I am going to say SO MUCH MORE. And by knowing that, it will bring so much more glory to what God is about to do.


So on Sunday of this week, I hit that wall again. I just barely could talk. I was so angry at God and so numb to the world. My heart was breaking because I began to lose hope. It seemed like no matter where I went, this always eventually happened again. This physical tired took over and the mental exhaustion with it. I began to literally lose hope; I did not have the will to keep fighting. My friends here helped me battle through the day. Praise Jesus for them. Then Monday came, and I felt the same. We had a worship service and I literally just had this image enter my mind of me falling before Jesus saying, "what more do you want from me? what else do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" It wasn't an angry question; it was pain. I could see myself falling down just weeping, begging for Him to tell me. It was an image of me that was not pride, but sincere regret for my mistakes and humiliation for the things I had chosen over Him, but also frustration at not knowing what to do to just be forgiven and free. I just want freedom. As the worship continued, I couldn't even sing the music. I was on the ground in tears just begging God to please save me. Please please save me. (literally)

The whole sermon that day was about surrendering it all, and the whole time, I was going back and forth between thinking: okay God what more do you want from me? What more do I have to surrender? What happens when you feel you have surrendered it all and you are left with brokenness?

That is when the above story comes into play. Later that night, I went to a get together with all the women in my program. We began to share, and I just opened up and told the truth. I told about my past, and I told about what I was currently going through. The women gathered around me and prayed healing over me. They encouraged me that I was no longer bound by my past sin, but I was new and that the reason for this pain is not because of my past sins. They told me that I was carrying too much and striving and that I needed to let go. They told me that Jesus was going to bring healing, and that all this pain I felt was an attack from the devil to hold me down. They spent 30-45 minutes just showering me with love, encouragement, and prayer. Jesus spoke words, wisdom, visions, and truth through all of them. It brought back hope.

Later that night, my dear friend pulled me aside. She told me that when she touched me during prayer she got this picture of Simba (in the Lion King) roaring.  He just over and over roaring. She said she could see that God was showing her that I was Simba, and that God was teaching me how to roar. She said that she knew what she was about to say may not be what I wanted to hear and that I needed to pray about it, but that she felt the Lord saying he was not going to heal me...yet. She said she felt like He was saying that He could heal me, but what would bring Him more glory is to resurrect me. As soon as she said it, I knew it was true.

I think I have known for awhile that is why I have not been healed, but for someone to say it to me made it more clear. I mean this life is not about me; it is about Him. It is about bringing glory to Him, and as much as I long to be healed and long for life and abundant life, I ultimately long for my life to be used to bring Him glory and to bring others to Him. I know that He will give me abundant life because He has promised it, but because I have given my life to Him and because my heart aches to bring people closer to the love I know in Him, I have given myself over to be used to bring Him glory. I have the ideas in my mind of how I should be healed or when, but God has better ones, and He knows the way to heal me that will bring me life and Him glory. It is His way that will ultimately bring the most satisfaction to my soul.

By changing my perspective to this, it has given me hope to endure the trials. To live beyond my circumstances. And though at times I feel hopeless and pain, it is by remembering who Jesus is and my love for Him that I endure. He provides what I need to survive each time I began to lose hope...just like he provided the friends on Sunday and that gathering to open up at last night.

Anyhow, I knew in my heart that Anna Grace was right when she spoke that to me. I could feel it in my spirit and I think the Lord had been preparing me for that. I know that He has brought me to this place to heal me and I know it is coming soon and that when it comes I will never ever be the same. I cannot wait for it. Though I don't understand, I am truly learning what it means to lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths. I don't understand, but I hope, I believe, and I have faith!

Today the sermon was all about having faith in action which means having a spirit that says "I won't quit!" It talked about pushing through and holding on through faith. WOW, how encouraging. The Lord provided exactly what I needed. Though, the pain remains and I still don't understand, the Lord provided what I needed. He is giving me the strength to endure until He resurrects me. WHAT AN AWESOME DAY THAT IS GOING TO BE!

Now the COOL PART...

So during the worship, Anna Grace got another vision of me...
it was a volcano. She said that through the vision of the volcano, the Lord showed her that the devil was trying to kill me on the inside. He was trying to put everything he could on me to stop me, but the Lord showed her that what the devil was using to try to kill me, the Lord was using to make me stronger, and that soon I was going to erupt. And that when I erupt it is going to be cover so many people. He should her that right now He was building strength in me, and that healing was about to come.
As I prayed on that my excitement grew and grew and grew. Ahh, the Lord just spoke so much hope into me. Telling me that I was going to erupt and that I was going to be NEW, FREE, AND HEALED. Ahhhh! And the healing that I am going to receive is going to bring Him glory. He will be glorified through my pain. Just like God was glorified through Jesus' pain, and just like Jesus is glorified anytime we are persecuted for His name. HOW COOL! The Lord put so much strength and hope into me today and gave me the strength and courage to cry out to the devil that he can pour all the ashes on me that he wants. he can bring it on, because the Lord turns beauty into ashes. The more ashes the devil pours on me, the more beauty the Lord will create.

BEAUTY FOR ASHES!

Gosh, I long to know this God more and more, and I know it is coming..It is coming, AND I cannot wait!

I say all this because I believe more than writing the awesome lessons I am learning, that this is the real way to show people Jesus. That through my personal struggle, people will be able to relate and be encouraged and find the strength to cry out to Jesus because He will do this in each and every one of our lives. He longs to love his children. He longs to use His children. This is not about me. This is about how good God is. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. He is so good. And He longs to do miracles in each of our lives. I am no more special than anyone else reading this. I long to be used by Him and I long to know Him and be madly in love with Him and let that love change me. That is what he requires. A willing spirit and an obedient, hungry heart. Those who are thirsty will be filled, and those who are hungry will be fed. ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO YOU IF YOU SEEK IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART.

Are you ready to get your world rocked?!?!?!?!?!? 

"You overwhelm and satisfy my soul.
I will never ever have to be afraid.
You remain.
Your love never fails.
It never gives up on me."