The desert place

Well, what can I say except that I am in a desert. Sounds crazy, I know, but it is true. One would imagine that living in Hawaii for 3 months could not possibly be a desert...in the spiritual sense, but it actually is.

Don't get me wrong, it is so beautiful here. So beautiful. And the people here are wonderful. But the Lord has made it very clear that this is my desert place. This is the place He has allured me to, but the good news is that He lures you to the desert to speak tenderly (Hosea 2).

I literally feel like I am at the University of Georgia all over again. Every moment I need the Lord. I honestly cannot make it through a day without Him. I haven't felt this dependence since being at UGA. It's so good, yet so incredibly painful. I feel so raw and vulnerable--I am at that place where I can't help but let my broken heart show. I need him. Every single second. He is the only reason I could get out of bed today and the only thing sustaining through each moment.

Just this morning, I was crying out to Him begging Him to please just help me. Then He had two of my very best friends call me who just allowed me to pour out my heart. That refreshed my soul. How faithful is God. It is so good for me to see a God who cares about the small things. I know that is a huge reason I am here. Somewhere I forgot that God cares about me...not about what I do or about my ministry. He cares about just me.

That is honestly a revelation for me. I am so performance based that it is hard for me to accept God's love without working for it. I constantly mistake seeking God for striving after Him.

So I know that I have been saying that God has shown me that every reason I thought I was here for is actually not at all what I was brought here for...Well, He is doing it again.

Over the past two weeks, I just hit a wall. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I felt like was wrong with me. I felt like I had so much to fix, and that until I fixed all this, the Lord wouldn't bring healing. And as I began to try to fix it all, it become too much. I started to feel like the God I knew was a God who always wanted to make me better. I began to feel that everyone talks about this "good" God and I could see Him all around me but not actually in me. I started to hit a wall.

I began to become angry with God and ask when enough was enough. When was He going to be done stripping everything from me and finally just bring healing. When was He ever going to quit yanking everything I desire away. I was so angry.

I began to cry out in anger, and finally after that, in brokenness. I literally wrote to God asking if I just give up, if I just say I can't go on doing this anymore, will you still love me?? If I just say that I want to go back to Bristol and live there the rest of my life (not saying that is what I want), will I be enough?

You see, I am see performance based. I know we read over and over how we are saved by grace, but I have a hard time understanding that God's desire for me and gifts for me and love for me is NOT dependent on my actions. He is not looking for me to constantly be analyzing and figuring everything out. He wants me to trust Him. He just wants me. Not my ministry. Not my actions. In fact, He doesn't really need me. He is God. BUT He does desire me. He does long for me. Song of solomon 2:7.

Since crying out to God about that, He has poured out so much love and grace on me. He has just over and over affirmed that He just desires me. That He loves who I am. That I am His and He made me and He likes me. He has let me know that the desires in my heart are from Him. The things that make me come alive are His desires in me.

This is seriously a revelation for me.

I have spent much of the past two years afraid to be who I am. I was always afraid to live life and to be God made me because I live in so much fear of falling out of love with Him. I am scared that if I am not STRIVING towards Him, then somehow I will miss His calling on my life and I will become less than what He expected and come judgment day I will stand before Him so ashamed and He will be disappointed in me. I literally live in fear.

Even looking at my time at Furman. I see now that the reason I struggled so much was because I was so afraid that if I fit in then I was going to forget about God. I constantly was trying to strip myself of anything I desired because I figured that is what God wanted. By stripping away anything I love, I thought it would bring me closer to the Lord.

But God told me this week that I am believing a lie. I have been stripping myself rather than letting the Lord do the stripping in His perfect time. It says I am the vine and He is the vine grower. The vine cannot trim itself--the vine grower has to do that. So what am I doing?!?!

The Lord revealed to me that He allured me here so that He could finally get me to say, "I quit." Not in the sense that I give up on Him, but that I say okay, no more striving. I will sit back. I will trust you. I will stop performing. The Lord is asking me to stop performing. I keep living by rules that have already been broken, and I keep seeking a love that I have already been giving. I am already free. And the key to feeling that freedom is not constantly analyzing how to strive after it, but it is actually just abiding in his love. in his presence. It is letting go. it is listening to my heart. it is following MY HEART, not my fears. It is listening to my what my heart desires and seeking after that, and letting God strip as He does in his gentle yet perfect way. In His timing. I have been operating out of fear. So afraid of falling out of love with Him that I won't let myself be who I am.

I have literally been afraid of myself. I have been afraid to like school. To like being with my family. To like Tennessee. To like being involved in clubs or organizations. I have been afraid of myself. Of living. Of life.

But no more.

God is teaching me to let go. He is taking me through the desert so that I will stop trying to figure out what following Him looks like, and I will just follow Him. That I will just fall into His arms. I have a part of Jesus that no one else has. We all do. We all have this unique piece of Him that no one else holds.  But I keep making myself try to walk as a true believer does, instead of just letting the side of Him that I know shine through.

I think about my mom. See, she knows this part of God that I so desire to know. My mom really understands that God is good. He is a good God who cares about her. He cares about her desires. She believes that and not only does she believe it, but she trusts in that. And she believes He delights in her. She knows that God is delighted in his precious daughter, his beloved, his bride. Oh, how I long to understand that in my heart. Not just my head, but my heart. I see now why me and my mom have had the year we have had. It is because I always think God is trying to discipline me and she understands that God isnt always trying to fix me, but He delights over me and loves me and He isnt always trying to make me better and go through suffering and pain. Not saying that, God doesn't ever strip things away, but I am saying He does the stripping. And He does it in His timing and in love. He does it tenderly. My mom understands that. But I am always trying to be one step ahead and strip myself before God can.

Oh how I was wrong about that. But God is so faithful. He brought me here to show me that He isn't a God who longs to fix me, but to love me. Before He wants to use me, He wants to love me. As He loves me, I will naturally serve Him because I will have his heart. But I am his first mission. He longs for me.

I am seeing more and more that what I really long for is just a love for Him. Forget the visions, dreams, miracles, big callings, and all the things. If all I have is gazing on His beauty for all my days, that is enough. If all I have is simple faith then okay. I will take it. I would rather have Him. And the best part is...He would rather have me. He would rather have me then my visions or my dreams or my performance or my actions. He just wants me. Just plain and simple me. Wow.

So that is where I am right now. I could definitely use your prayers. The desert is rough. really rough. I am in a lot of pain. I am extremely vulnerable and on the verge of tears about 24/7. Not that I am not happy to be here with the Lord, but I am losing a part of myself right now, and it's a little bit painful. I am dying in a sense. I am hopeful of how the Lord is going to change me. He already is. But I need prayers. These next two months I have given to the Lord. They are His. I see now more than ever that I am not really here for all the teachings, not that they won't help me, but I am really here because this is the tool the Lord used to take me to my desert. This is how He allured me.

Anyhow, please be covering me in prayer if I ever come to mind. I need strength. His strength. I need His love. So much of His love. It is the only thing that can free me from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I push myself way too hard and definitely am my hardest critic, but the Lord's love can free me from that. I believe in the power of His love.

Know that I am missing all of you more than you could ever imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. And don't be afraid to contact me.

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

             

                           -Barlow Girl "I need you to love me"