I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
1 Corinthians 2:10-11
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
Mucho Love
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