From the heart

So today I write completely out of my heart. I am not looking back at notes or replaying some key points in my mind from the teaching----this is completely what is flowing from my heart.


At the current moment I am struggling. Not in an earth shattering sort of way, but just a mental battle. I am really trying to redefine beauty in my mind. I am trying to teach myself that beauty comes from the Lord, not from the way my clothes fit or the size of my body, but some days it is really hard to understand and BELIEVE that. Right now is one of those moments. For the past 6 years I have eaten to stay skinny, and now here I am at 20 years old and am so clueless as to what it looks like to eat without the mindset of staying skinny, or to workout without the idea of manipulating and perfecting my body. WHAT IS HEALTHY, not skinny or image focused, just healthy? Such a simple question, but actually so hard. It's so hard to know how to forgive yourself. Every time I feel I mess up and get too caught up in image or going the complete opposite direction and becoming a glutton, I am consumed with guilt and condemnation. I am learning forgiving yourself is the hardest step. But this battle will be won ONE DAY AT A TIME, and I am confident that one day in the near future, the size of my body will not haunt me nor even cross my mind. Confidence in the Lord will be the only beauty that I seek. I will clothe myself in His righteousness, and thoughts of inadequacy because of the size of my body will not exist. There will be a day, and it is coming. SOON. I am walking in the revelation of the freedom the Lord has given me. The grave has already been conquered. 


Though at the moment I am really struggling with beauty and letting go of allowing it to rule my mind, my heart is beginning to really fall in love. like truly fall in love. I have known Jesus my whole life and been raised in the church and by parents who devoted their life to serving the Lord, and a year and a half ago I begin to really follow Him and began to really KNOW HIM, but wow....
I am falling in love. I am finally meeting Jesus--the man Jesus. Not the religion or the rules or even the "faith." I am meeting HIM---the person. The man who died on the cross in order to write the ultimate love story for me. The man who calls me HIS BRIDE. Ahhh, I don't even know how to express what this feels like....
It's like when you are talking about that significant other that you are dating or like or whatever your relationship and as you explain that person, you can feel your heart falling in love with them. It's like your heart is reminded of how good that person is and how much you long for them and how much they mean to you....THAT IS HOW I FEEL.


My heart literally LONGS for Him. LONGS. We have this place here on campus at YWAM called the prayer room. It's a 24/7 room where there is worship and prayer. I have started to spend around 2-4 hours a day there at the least, and OH MY GOSH...My heart literally craves that place. I wake up in the morning and cannot wait to get there. I just long to go there and spend time with Him. Journaling. Reading the Word. Singing. Listening. Napping. Anything. Everything. Just time to be with Him. I crave it. It's like I have finally found something that satisfies and I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Finally, my heart, my soul, my everything feels quenched. Finally, there is something that is enough. Oh how He is so enough---more than enough. It's not even about what He shows me or tells me or being in prayer or worship, its just about being with Him. HE IS SO REAL. He is so so so so so so so so so real. and so alive and so present. HE IS SO PRESENT. I don't even know how to explain how real He is. I wish I could make everyone feel what I feel right now.


Something else I have been learning is that God is a God who cares about what we want. I could go on and on and on about what exactly this means but really its pretty simple. God is a god who cares. If He wanted us to be the same, why would He make us different? Our heart's desires mean something. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES IN YOUR HEART. Yes, there is a fleshly desire for sure, but if your heart is delighting in Him, then He controls the heart. HE IS OUR HEART. God is not a god who is out to get us and make us do everything we hate. He cares about us. I mean He is our dad....He created us. He knows us. He knows what will satisfy. He wants us to find JOY IN HIM. I have had the hardest time understanding that God would actually give me everything I want, but I am starting to see....SOMETIMES HE DOES. When it will bring Him glory, He gives us everything we could possibly desire. He cares. He is our Abba....our Papa. He loves us. Love can look different at different times. But we can trust in His love. He is the definition of love. 


Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him. He shall direct thy paths....
           the path that leads to WATERS THAT NEVER FAIL. 
Come away...come abide in His love. IT SATISFIES. 
Those who thirst will be quenched and those who hunger will be fed. 


This is what I desire, that they may be with me where I am.....Oh, how he longs to be with us. He wants to be with us....before He wants to lead us or use us, He longs to LOVE US. 


Can you think of anything better than a love that longs for nothing more than JUST WHO WE ARE?


I can't. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.