Yet another day of my world being rocked has occurred.
So after yesterday I was really just feeling so broken. I woke up today unsure of what this day was going to look like.
But Oh how the Lord is SO good. Get ready...
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Our speaker came in today and immediately I just prayed a prayer that whatever she spoke would go through the filter of Jesus before reaching me....that is just what happened.
As Donna Jordan spoke within the first 10 minutes it just hit me....
SEEK ME. I have been so scared that I was going to wake up one day and realize I am not in love with the Lord. When I was in high school I had no idea how lost I was, so I have been fearing that I am going to all of the sudden realize I am not in love. I have this fear that the passion I have right now is going to fade. I have this fear that I am going to get numb. I have this fear that if the Lord calls me to be anything besides a missionary as my career then I will fall out of love and become numb and I will be a complacent lukewarm Christian. I have this DEEP DEEP DEEP desire for visions, revelation, dreams, miracles, stories, passion, and zeal, and I have been battling internally that if I don't go out be a nomad missionary then I won't have these things. I have been fearing the idea that if the Lord calls me into the business world then I will become watered down. But then that thought came-- SEEK ME.
All of the sudden it made sense. My reward is Him. Jesus is who I am called to seek. Not His plan, His calling, His visions, His dreams, His plan.....JUST HIM. I forgot my first love. I got so caught up in wanting to serve Him, I forgot to love Him. I forgot to let Him love me and that as He loves me His love overflows and that will serve Him. His love flowing through me is service. The dreams, visions, miracles, stories, adventure, passion will be added to me. But FIRST AND FOREMOST is Jesus....the man Jesus. HE IS MY REWARD.
Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."
Then another revelation came. It actually came earlier this week but was affirmed today again...
I thought I was brought here to find out what my heart beats, breaks, aches, and burns for--like what my heart was made to break for and I know what it is...
My heart BURNS, BEATS, BREAKS, ACHES for Jesus.
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The next revelation:
In my exhaustion yesterday, I cried out to the Lord and just asked if I do absolutely nothing for Him, if all I do is go back to Bristol and just live life, is it enough? If I don't perform, if I don't go on some great adventure, am I enough? Is just me enough? Apart from all I do, is just me okay?
Then today, Donna Jordan (our speaker) said I want you to ask God what pleases Him and then I want you to close your eyes and listen to what he says... this was His answer:
"You. Just you. Only you. Not what you do or how you look. You are beautiful. Believe what I say. I will show you. Soon.
Yes, you are enough. You are enough. If just sit on a couch you are enough.
The reason you can't see yourself clearly in the visions is because you don't want to see yourself.
You are too busy looking at others to see yourself."
This is going to get a little bit personal for a sec now...
For years and years and years I have been chasing after beauty. Beauty has been my God. My idol. My love. I have been trying to balance seeking beauty and seeking the Lord. About a year ago I finally stopped chasing beauty but since then I have just been angry at God for the beauty I have not felt in so long. It's like in Matthew:
Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other or he will be devoted to one and despise the other
The past year has looked about like that..a seesaw between God and beauty.
BUT tonight I went to the prayer room and just cried out to the Lord. With the encouragement of a friend here, I found the strength to cry out to Jesus, to fix my eyes on Him, and to make war on this battle to find TRUE BEAUTY.
This is the revelation the Lord brought me:
This time is different because you're ready to trust me. Now, trust me each day. ONE DAY AT A TIME WE will fight this.
The next thing was he gave me a picture of an old vision that someone had spoken over me. The woman had seen a bird in a bird cage. The bird was playing with a toy and was fixated on the toy. The bird loved the toy. But then if you zoom out, the cage door is open. The woman said Grace, you are free. Tonight that vision came back only a new though struck me with it.
When I was younger I had a few pet birds. The toy I always bought my birds was a mirror. I always bought a mirror for them because that was their favorite. The birds would fixate on it. They loved it. One of my birds loved it so much that it killed the bird....aka the bird ate the plastic and mirror around the mirror and choked.
The point is: that bird is me. The mirror is the toy I have been fixating on. I have let the mirror define my beauty. BUT I AM FREE. The cage is open. I AM FREE.
Now does that mean this won't be hard...UM, NO. This will be hard. But each day I walk wake up and triumph WITH THE LORD. He has told me to ENDURE PATIENTLY.
He gave me a picture of gates opening and a flood releasing. The water represented life and the it was filling the path. THE WATER OF LIFE HAS COME TO FILL THE DRY PATH---TO BREATHE LIFE INTO THESE DRY BONES.
And the coolest part...He is the Reward. Beauty is not the reward. Jesus is. He is my great reward.
He has come to shut the door:
Revelation 3:7-8
What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deed. See, I have placed before you an open door that no once can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my Word and have not denied my name.
The Lord has been waiting to see if I would choose Him even if it went against the desire of my flesh, and now he has come to rescue me. He knows I am exhausted. He knows I have no fight left, but The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name.
It's time to make war....
But I will be in the quiet place....I will have my eyes fixed on Him. I will not look to the battle or the enemy...
My eyes are set on Him. I wear the ring. I do. Yes, yes I do.
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