When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away.
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you til it goes away.
When the rain comes, I will hold you.
--Third Day
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Time to Stop Running...
Oh my goodness. Where do I begin? This week has been...an answer to prayers.
I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
1 Corinthians 2:10-11
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
Mucho Love
Sunday, February 12, 2012
When I have no words...
Underneath the cold November sky,
I'll wait for You.
As the pages of my life roll by,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate just to see Your face.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
Even if You take it all away,
I'll wait for You.
Even when the light begins to fade,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate, calling out Your name.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here.
I'm tired of running
And wrestling with these angels.
I lay down my life and
I surrender.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
-Ashes Remain "Without You"
I'll wait for You.
As the pages of my life roll by,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate just to see Your face.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
Even if You take it all away,
I'll wait for You.
Even when the light begins to fade,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate, calling out Your name.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here.
I'm tired of running
And wrestling with these angels.
I lay down my life and
I surrender.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
-Ashes Remain "Without You"
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The desert place
Well, what can I say except that I am in a desert. Sounds crazy, I know, but it is true. One would imagine that living in Hawaii for 3 months could not possibly be a desert...in the spiritual sense, but it actually is.
Don't get me wrong, it is so beautiful here. So beautiful. And the people here are wonderful. But the Lord has made it very clear that this is my desert place. This is the place He has allured me to, but the good news is that He lures you to the desert to speak tenderly (Hosea 2).
I literally feel like I am at the University of Georgia all over again. Every moment I need the Lord. I honestly cannot make it through a day without Him. I haven't felt this dependence since being at UGA. It's so good, yet so incredibly painful. I feel so raw and vulnerable--I am at that place where I can't help but let my broken heart show. I need him. Every single second. He is the only reason I could get out of bed today and the only thing sustaining through each moment.
Just this morning, I was crying out to Him begging Him to please just help me. Then He had two of my very best friends call me who just allowed me to pour out my heart. That refreshed my soul. How faithful is God. It is so good for me to see a God who cares about the small things. I know that is a huge reason I am here. Somewhere I forgot that God cares about me...not about what I do or about my ministry. He cares about just me.
That is honestly a revelation for me. I am so performance based that it is hard for me to accept God's love without working for it. I constantly mistake seeking God for striving after Him.
So I know that I have been saying that God has shown me that every reason I thought I was here for is actually not at all what I was brought here for...Well, He is doing it again.
Over the past two weeks, I just hit a wall. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I felt like was wrong with me. I felt like I had so much to fix, and that until I fixed all this, the Lord wouldn't bring healing. And as I began to try to fix it all, it become too much. I started to feel like the God I knew was a God who always wanted to make me better. I began to feel that everyone talks about this "good" God and I could see Him all around me but not actually in me. I started to hit a wall.
I began to become angry with God and ask when enough was enough. When was He going to be done stripping everything from me and finally just bring healing. When was He ever going to quit yanking everything I desire away. I was so angry.
I began to cry out in anger, and finally after that, in brokenness. I literally wrote to God asking if I just give up, if I just say I can't go on doing this anymore, will you still love me?? If I just say that I want to go back to Bristol and live there the rest of my life (not saying that is what I want), will I be enough?
You see, I am see performance based. I know we read over and over how we are saved by grace, but I have a hard time understanding that God's desire for me and gifts for me and love for me is NOT dependent on my actions. He is not looking for me to constantly be analyzing and figuring everything out. He wants me to trust Him. He just wants me. Not my ministry. Not my actions. In fact, He doesn't really need me. He is God. BUT He does desire me. He does long for me. Song of solomon 2:7.
Since crying out to God about that, He has poured out so much love and grace on me. He has just over and over affirmed that He just desires me. That He loves who I am. That I am His and He made me and He likes me. He has let me know that the desires in my heart are from Him. The things that make me come alive are His desires in me.
This is seriously a revelation for me.
I have spent much of the past two years afraid to be who I am. I was always afraid to live life and to be God made me because I live in so much fear of falling out of love with Him. I am scared that if I am not STRIVING towards Him, then somehow I will miss His calling on my life and I will become less than what He expected and come judgment day I will stand before Him so ashamed and He will be disappointed in me. I literally live in fear.
Even looking at my time at Furman. I see now that the reason I struggled so much was because I was so afraid that if I fit in then I was going to forget about God. I constantly was trying to strip myself of anything I desired because I figured that is what God wanted. By stripping away anything I love, I thought it would bring me closer to the Lord.
But God told me this week that I am believing a lie. I have been stripping myself rather than letting the Lord do the stripping in His perfect time. It says I am the vine and He is the vine grower. The vine cannot trim itself--the vine grower has to do that. So what am I doing?!?!
The Lord revealed to me that He allured me here so that He could finally get me to say, "I quit." Not in the sense that I give up on Him, but that I say okay, no more striving. I will sit back. I will trust you. I will stop performing. The Lord is asking me to stop performing. I keep living by rules that have already been broken, and I keep seeking a love that I have already been giving. I am already free. And the key to feeling that freedom is not constantly analyzing how to strive after it, but it is actually just abiding in his love. in his presence. It is letting go. it is listening to my heart. it is following MY HEART, not my fears. It is listening to my what my heart desires and seeking after that, and letting God strip as He does in his gentle yet perfect way. In His timing. I have been operating out of fear. So afraid of falling out of love with Him that I won't let myself be who I am.
I have literally been afraid of myself. I have been afraid to like school. To like being with my family. To like Tennessee. To like being involved in clubs or organizations. I have been afraid of myself. Of living. Of life.
But no more.
God is teaching me to let go. He is taking me through the desert so that I will stop trying to figure out what following Him looks like, and I will just follow Him. That I will just fall into His arms. I have a part of Jesus that no one else has. We all do. We all have this unique piece of Him that no one else holds. But I keep making myself try to walk as a true believer does, instead of just letting the side of Him that I know shine through.
I think about my mom. See, she knows this part of God that I so desire to know. My mom really understands that God is good. He is a good God who cares about her. He cares about her desires. She believes that and not only does she believe it, but she trusts in that. And she believes He delights in her. She knows that God is delighted in his precious daughter, his beloved, his bride. Oh, how I long to understand that in my heart. Not just my head, but my heart. I see now why me and my mom have had the year we have had. It is because I always think God is trying to discipline me and she understands that God isnt always trying to fix me, but He delights over me and loves me and He isnt always trying to make me better and go through suffering and pain. Not saying that, God doesn't ever strip things away, but I am saying He does the stripping. And He does it in His timing and in love. He does it tenderly. My mom understands that. But I am always trying to be one step ahead and strip myself before God can.
Oh how I was wrong about that. But God is so faithful. He brought me here to show me that He isn't a God who longs to fix me, but to love me. Before He wants to use me, He wants to love me. As He loves me, I will naturally serve Him because I will have his heart. But I am his first mission. He longs for me.
I am seeing more and more that what I really long for is just a love for Him. Forget the visions, dreams, miracles, big callings, and all the things. If all I have is gazing on His beauty for all my days, that is enough. If all I have is simple faith then okay. I will take it. I would rather have Him. And the best part is...He would rather have me. He would rather have me then my visions or my dreams or my performance or my actions. He just wants me. Just plain and simple me. Wow.
So that is where I am right now. I could definitely use your prayers. The desert is rough. really rough. I am in a lot of pain. I am extremely vulnerable and on the verge of tears about 24/7. Not that I am not happy to be here with the Lord, but I am losing a part of myself right now, and it's a little bit painful. I am dying in a sense. I am hopeful of how the Lord is going to change me. He already is. But I need prayers. These next two months I have given to the Lord. They are His. I see now more than ever that I am not really here for all the teachings, not that they won't help me, but I am really here because this is the tool the Lord used to take me to my desert. This is how He allured me.
Anyhow, please be covering me in prayer if I ever come to mind. I need strength. His strength. I need His love. So much of His love. It is the only thing that can free me from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I push myself way too hard and definitely am my hardest critic, but the Lord's love can free me from that. I believe in the power of His love.
Know that I am missing all of you more than you could ever imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. And don't be afraid to contact me.
Don't get me wrong, it is so beautiful here. So beautiful. And the people here are wonderful. But the Lord has made it very clear that this is my desert place. This is the place He has allured me to, but the good news is that He lures you to the desert to speak tenderly (Hosea 2).
I literally feel like I am at the University of Georgia all over again. Every moment I need the Lord. I honestly cannot make it through a day without Him. I haven't felt this dependence since being at UGA. It's so good, yet so incredibly painful. I feel so raw and vulnerable--I am at that place where I can't help but let my broken heart show. I need him. Every single second. He is the only reason I could get out of bed today and the only thing sustaining through each moment.
Just this morning, I was crying out to Him begging Him to please just help me. Then He had two of my very best friends call me who just allowed me to pour out my heart. That refreshed my soul. How faithful is God. It is so good for me to see a God who cares about the small things. I know that is a huge reason I am here. Somewhere I forgot that God cares about me...not about what I do or about my ministry. He cares about just me.
That is honestly a revelation for me. I am so performance based that it is hard for me to accept God's love without working for it. I constantly mistake seeking God for striving after Him.
So I know that I have been saying that God has shown me that every reason I thought I was here for is actually not at all what I was brought here for...Well, He is doing it again.
Over the past two weeks, I just hit a wall. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I felt like was wrong with me. I felt like I had so much to fix, and that until I fixed all this, the Lord wouldn't bring healing. And as I began to try to fix it all, it become too much. I started to feel like the God I knew was a God who always wanted to make me better. I began to feel that everyone talks about this "good" God and I could see Him all around me but not actually in me. I started to hit a wall.
I began to become angry with God and ask when enough was enough. When was He going to be done stripping everything from me and finally just bring healing. When was He ever going to quit yanking everything I desire away. I was so angry.
I began to cry out in anger, and finally after that, in brokenness. I literally wrote to God asking if I just give up, if I just say I can't go on doing this anymore, will you still love me?? If I just say that I want to go back to Bristol and live there the rest of my life (not saying that is what I want), will I be enough?
You see, I am see performance based. I know we read over and over how we are saved by grace, but I have a hard time understanding that God's desire for me and gifts for me and love for me is NOT dependent on my actions. He is not looking for me to constantly be analyzing and figuring everything out. He wants me to trust Him. He just wants me. Not my ministry. Not my actions. In fact, He doesn't really need me. He is God. BUT He does desire me. He does long for me. Song of solomon 2:7.
Since crying out to God about that, He has poured out so much love and grace on me. He has just over and over affirmed that He just desires me. That He loves who I am. That I am His and He made me and He likes me. He has let me know that the desires in my heart are from Him. The things that make me come alive are His desires in me.
This is seriously a revelation for me.
I have spent much of the past two years afraid to be who I am. I was always afraid to live life and to be God made me because I live in so much fear of falling out of love with Him. I am scared that if I am not STRIVING towards Him, then somehow I will miss His calling on my life and I will become less than what He expected and come judgment day I will stand before Him so ashamed and He will be disappointed in me. I literally live in fear.
Even looking at my time at Furman. I see now that the reason I struggled so much was because I was so afraid that if I fit in then I was going to forget about God. I constantly was trying to strip myself of anything I desired because I figured that is what God wanted. By stripping away anything I love, I thought it would bring me closer to the Lord.
But God told me this week that I am believing a lie. I have been stripping myself rather than letting the Lord do the stripping in His perfect time. It says I am the vine and He is the vine grower. The vine cannot trim itself--the vine grower has to do that. So what am I doing?!?!
The Lord revealed to me that He allured me here so that He could finally get me to say, "I quit." Not in the sense that I give up on Him, but that I say okay, no more striving. I will sit back. I will trust you. I will stop performing. The Lord is asking me to stop performing. I keep living by rules that have already been broken, and I keep seeking a love that I have already been giving. I am already free. And the key to feeling that freedom is not constantly analyzing how to strive after it, but it is actually just abiding in his love. in his presence. It is letting go. it is listening to my heart. it is following MY HEART, not my fears. It is listening to my what my heart desires and seeking after that, and letting God strip as He does in his gentle yet perfect way. In His timing. I have been operating out of fear. So afraid of falling out of love with Him that I won't let myself be who I am.
I have literally been afraid of myself. I have been afraid to like school. To like being with my family. To like Tennessee. To like being involved in clubs or organizations. I have been afraid of myself. Of living. Of life.
But no more.
God is teaching me to let go. He is taking me through the desert so that I will stop trying to figure out what following Him looks like, and I will just follow Him. That I will just fall into His arms. I have a part of Jesus that no one else has. We all do. We all have this unique piece of Him that no one else holds. But I keep making myself try to walk as a true believer does, instead of just letting the side of Him that I know shine through.
I think about my mom. See, she knows this part of God that I so desire to know. My mom really understands that God is good. He is a good God who cares about her. He cares about her desires. She believes that and not only does she believe it, but she trusts in that. And she believes He delights in her. She knows that God is delighted in his precious daughter, his beloved, his bride. Oh, how I long to understand that in my heart. Not just my head, but my heart. I see now why me and my mom have had the year we have had. It is because I always think God is trying to discipline me and she understands that God isnt always trying to fix me, but He delights over me and loves me and He isnt always trying to make me better and go through suffering and pain. Not saying that, God doesn't ever strip things away, but I am saying He does the stripping. And He does it in His timing and in love. He does it tenderly. My mom understands that. But I am always trying to be one step ahead and strip myself before God can.
Oh how I was wrong about that. But God is so faithful. He brought me here to show me that He isn't a God who longs to fix me, but to love me. Before He wants to use me, He wants to love me. As He loves me, I will naturally serve Him because I will have his heart. But I am his first mission. He longs for me.
I am seeing more and more that what I really long for is just a love for Him. Forget the visions, dreams, miracles, big callings, and all the things. If all I have is gazing on His beauty for all my days, that is enough. If all I have is simple faith then okay. I will take it. I would rather have Him. And the best part is...He would rather have me. He would rather have me then my visions or my dreams or my performance or my actions. He just wants me. Just plain and simple me. Wow.
So that is where I am right now. I could definitely use your prayers. The desert is rough. really rough. I am in a lot of pain. I am extremely vulnerable and on the verge of tears about 24/7. Not that I am not happy to be here with the Lord, but I am losing a part of myself right now, and it's a little bit painful. I am dying in a sense. I am hopeful of how the Lord is going to change me. He already is. But I need prayers. These next two months I have given to the Lord. They are His. I see now more than ever that I am not really here for all the teachings, not that they won't help me, but I am really here because this is the tool the Lord used to take me to my desert. This is how He allured me.
Anyhow, please be covering me in prayer if I ever come to mind. I need strength. His strength. I need His love. So much of His love. It is the only thing that can free me from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I push myself way too hard and definitely am my hardest critic, but the Lord's love can free me from that. I believe in the power of His love.
Know that I am missing all of you more than you could ever imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. And don't be afraid to contact me.
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
-Barlow Girl "I need you to love me"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
He Makes Beauty from Ashes
Well, hmm, I will start with hello. Hey!
So this past week or so has been...good/hard/amazing/terrible/painful/joyful. You get the point. I have been so engulfed in just working through everything that I haven't even been able to get on my blog. I haven't known where to even start. Even now I struggle with where to begin.
We have had some awesome teachings lately but last Tuesday we had a teaching that began this whole battle I am currently waging.
The teaching was on strongholds. It talked about the 6 strongholds that build the walls of the box that we live in. The strongholds were Phobia-->Criticism-->Egoism-->Comparison-->Arrogance-->Control
As we worked through the list, I could barely think straight. The dude was like talking directly to me. Not literally, but the message was me in a nutshell.
Over the course of my life, I have bought into so many lies. Lies that tell me that I have to be perfect. my life has become a performance. Make good grades, be a good friend, be a good Christian, eat healthy, workout, have a perfect body, be involved, never be weak. The lies go on and on and on. It is like I have lived inside this internal pressure cooker. And it doesn't matter where I go because I carry this pressure with me. I cannot escape myself.
By accepting all the world's standards of what it means to be a good person, no a perfect person, I have become someone who operates out of fear. No one can see it from the outside because from the outside I look perfect. And I also had parents who helped me work through a lot of it, so that watered it down a lot. But those fears that I have created around myself just led to the domino effect. I became critical of others but mostly of myself because I believed I had a standard I had to meet. To cope with all this, I became arrogant and comparing. I would encourage myself by saying I was doing better than that person, and I would become depressed when I saw I wasn't as good as someone else. Then when it all would become too much....CONTROL.
Its exhausting just talking about it. I mean here I was in this pretty little box with my perfect bow on top but underneath it all, I was living in so much fear. Always afraid of not being enough. Always striving for perfection, and beating myself up inside when I did not meet the standards I had set.
Shew, I am tired now. ;) but really....
So, as all of this was being laid on the table, I was in my head just going omg this is me, but what do I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
The dude eventually laid out how to counteract each one of these strongholds which brought some light to the situation, but, nonetheless, I left with a pretty heavy heart yet so much peace. It felt good to finally understand everything running through the inside. I think when I talk about what is going on people tend to think I know what I am talking about cause it comes out clear, but on the inside I literally am a big jumble of blah. Thus, it felt good to hear someone shine light on the jumble in me, and put to words what my insides were trying to say. But I knew I had a lot to work out with the Lord.
That is when it all began....
The Lord spent the next few days pouring out truth in my life. He revealed past memories that I had been suppressing. He revealed sin that I was withholding. Literally, he just started shedding light on everything. And then....he asked me to not only realize it but repent and ask for healing. I have been learning that forgiveness come from asking the Lord to forgive you and others, but healing comes from speaking the truth into the open--aka confessing it. That, honestly, was horrifying to me. To ask for forgiveness was hard enough, but to go to these people and admit what I had done and be willing to publicly speak about some of these secrets I had been harboring was like a nightmare....
But the pain that I felt holding it in just wasn't worth it anymore. The pain was greater than the strength I had to keep the secret and keep hiding. So I chose to be obedient to the call.
I have spent the last few days, asking for forgiveness. And last night, for the first time, I admitted publicly my true testimony. I sat in a room and told people all the little lies I had promised I would never speak.
I thought doing all this would be hard. And, not going to lie, it was. But it was getting the courage to do it that was hard. The actual doing it, was not. And the response from the people around me has been nothing but love. nothing but encouragement. nothing but a picture of Christ. There was no judgment, in fact, I was immediately covered with prayer and I looked around to see girls breaking for my pain. Rather than seeing what I had done as terrible, they saw the pain that I had been living in. They saw a little girl who was trapped in lies and was dying just to get her breathe. Their hearts broke for me. WOW. It is in these moments that I realize why Jesus is the only way. He put that empathy in their hearts for me. He loves in that way. He is the reason they can see me and feel such pain and hurt for me. Shew, He is the only way to live this life. I don't know how anyone else can make it without Him.
Though it seems that would be the end of all this pain, it is not. God is healing me right now. He is bringing to light all of the past in order that I might be free from it. But He is always building strength in me...I don't quite understand why the Lord is allowing what He is allowing or how He is going to use it, but I know there is a reason. You see, for the past year and a half, I have struggled with illness. I have gone from one sickness to the next. I have been dealing with back pain. I have been having nightmares. I have a constant tiredness that no doctor can seem to figure out how to fix. And I have a heart that longs for things which I cannot have. And with all of that, I am trying to redefine beauty and believe that I am beautiful.
I don't even know how to explain the attack I feel. A part of me has been so angry at God. Like if He is this good and mighty God then why won't He heal me? If He loves me so much then why after months and months and months of praying for this and having prayer over me, why has He not taken it away? I am so exhausted. I wake up everyday so exhausted. And some days, it's not a big deal. Some days, I just become numb to it, and can push through, but other days, other days I just wonder how I am going to make it through the next hour. It is such a mental battle, and sometimes I just don't feel like fighting anymore. Sometimes, I just want to know why God won't just take it away. I am dying to serve Him. I am dying to live my life for Him. I want to go on my outreach phase and be able to serve with all my heart, my soul, and my strength, but it baffles me how I can do that when I am so consumed with the pain I feel. And everyone hears this and thinks they have the answer. They think they have the key to making me feel better. They think I have to choose to get up and go and live life, but I am! I am here at YWAM. I am living. I may not always be happy, but I have joy. Days get hard, but I am still choosing to live.
I don't say any of this to get a pity party or to make people see how holy and righteous I am. I say this because in my heart this is how I feel, and knowing that will help people understand the next thing I am going to say SO MUCH MORE. And by knowing that, it will bring so much more glory to what God is about to do.
So on Sunday of this week, I hit that wall again. I just barely could talk. I was so angry at God and so numb to the world. My heart was breaking because I began to lose hope. It seemed like no matter where I went, this always eventually happened again. This physical tired took over and the mental exhaustion with it. I began to literally lose hope; I did not have the will to keep fighting. My friends here helped me battle through the day. Praise Jesus for them. Then Monday came, and I felt the same. We had a worship service and I literally just had this image enter my mind of me falling before Jesus saying, "what more do you want from me? what else do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" It wasn't an angry question; it was pain. I could see myself falling down just weeping, begging for Him to tell me. It was an image of me that was not pride, but sincere regret for my mistakes and humiliation for the things I had chosen over Him, but also frustration at not knowing what to do to just be forgiven and free. I just want freedom. As the worship continued, I couldn't even sing the music. I was on the ground in tears just begging God to please save me. Please please save me. (literally)
The whole sermon that day was about surrendering it all, and the whole time, I was going back and forth between thinking: okay God what more do you want from me? What more do I have to surrender? What happens when you feel you have surrendered it all and you are left with brokenness?
That is when the above story comes into play. Later that night, I went to a get together with all the women in my program. We began to share, and I just opened up and told the truth. I told about my past, and I told about what I was currently going through. The women gathered around me and prayed healing over me. They encouraged me that I was no longer bound by my past sin, but I was new and that the reason for this pain is not because of my past sins. They told me that I was carrying too much and striving and that I needed to let go. They told me that Jesus was going to bring healing, and that all this pain I felt was an attack from the devil to hold me down. They spent 30-45 minutes just showering me with love, encouragement, and prayer. Jesus spoke words, wisdom, visions, and truth through all of them. It brought back hope.
Later that night, my dear friend pulled me aside. She told me that when she touched me during prayer she got this picture of Simba (in the Lion King) roaring. He just over and over roaring. She said she could see that God was showing her that I was Simba, and that God was teaching me how to roar. She said that she knew what she was about to say may not be what I wanted to hear and that I needed to pray about it, but that she felt the Lord saying he was not going to heal me...yet. She said she felt like He was saying that He could heal me, but what would bring Him more glory is to resurrect me. As soon as she said it, I knew it was true.
I think I have known for awhile that is why I have not been healed, but for someone to say it to me made it more clear. I mean this life is not about me; it is about Him. It is about bringing glory to Him, and as much as I long to be healed and long for life and abundant life, I ultimately long for my life to be used to bring Him glory and to bring others to Him. I know that He will give me abundant life because He has promised it, but because I have given my life to Him and because my heart aches to bring people closer to the love I know in Him, I have given myself over to be used to bring Him glory. I have the ideas in my mind of how I should be healed or when, but God has better ones, and He knows the way to heal me that will bring me life and Him glory. It is His way that will ultimately bring the most satisfaction to my soul.
By changing my perspective to this, it has given me hope to endure the trials. To live beyond my circumstances. And though at times I feel hopeless and pain, it is by remembering who Jesus is and my love for Him that I endure. He provides what I need to survive each time I began to lose hope...just like he provided the friends on Sunday and that gathering to open up at last night.
Anyhow, I knew in my heart that Anna Grace was right when she spoke that to me. I could feel it in my spirit and I think the Lord had been preparing me for that. I know that He has brought me to this place to heal me and I know it is coming soon and that when it comes I will never ever be the same. I cannot wait for it. Though I don't understand, I am truly learning what it means to lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths. I don't understand, but I hope, I believe, and I have faith!
Today the sermon was all about having faith in action which means having a spirit that says "I won't quit!" It talked about pushing through and holding on through faith. WOW, how encouraging. The Lord provided exactly what I needed. Though, the pain remains and I still don't understand, the Lord provided what I needed. He is giving me the strength to endure until He resurrects me. WHAT AN AWESOME DAY THAT IS GOING TO BE!
Now the COOL PART...
So during the worship, Anna Grace got another vision of me...
it was a volcano. She said that through the vision of the volcano, the Lord showed her that the devil was trying to kill me on the inside. He was trying to put everything he could on me to stop me, but the Lord showed her that what the devil was using to try to kill me, the Lord was using to make me stronger, and that soon I was going to erupt. And that when I erupt it is going to be cover so many people. He should her that right now He was building strength in me, and that healing was about to come.
As I prayed on that my excitement grew and grew and grew. Ahh, the Lord just spoke so much hope into me. Telling me that I was going to erupt and that I was going to be NEW, FREE, AND HEALED. Ahhhh! And the healing that I am going to receive is going to bring Him glory. He will be glorified through my pain. Just like God was glorified through Jesus' pain, and just like Jesus is glorified anytime we are persecuted for His name. HOW COOL! The Lord put so much strength and hope into me today and gave me the strength and courage to cry out to the devil that he can pour all the ashes on me that he wants. he can bring it on, because the Lord turns beauty into ashes. The more ashes the devil pours on me, the more beauty the Lord will create.
BEAUTY FOR ASHES!
Gosh, I long to know this God more and more, and I know it is coming..It is coming, AND I cannot wait!
I say all this because I believe more than writing the awesome lessons I am learning, that this is the real way to show people Jesus. That through my personal struggle, people will be able to relate and be encouraged and find the strength to cry out to Jesus because He will do this in each and every one of our lives. He longs to love his children. He longs to use His children. This is not about me. This is about how good God is. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. He is so good. And He longs to do miracles in each of our lives. I am no more special than anyone else reading this. I long to be used by Him and I long to know Him and be madly in love with Him and let that love change me. That is what he requires. A willing spirit and an obedient, hungry heart. Those who are thirsty will be filled, and those who are hungry will be fed. ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO YOU IF YOU SEEK IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART.
Are you ready to get your world rocked?!?!?!?!?!?
"You overwhelm and satisfy my soul.
I will never ever have to be afraid.
You remain.
Your love never fails.
It never gives up on me."
So this past week or so has been...good/hard/amazing/terrible/painful/joyful. You get the point. I have been so engulfed in just working through everything that I haven't even been able to get on my blog. I haven't known where to even start. Even now I struggle with where to begin.
We have had some awesome teachings lately but last Tuesday we had a teaching that began this whole battle I am currently waging.
The teaching was on strongholds. It talked about the 6 strongholds that build the walls of the box that we live in. The strongholds were Phobia-->Criticism-->Egoism-->Comparison-->Arrogance-->Control
As we worked through the list, I could barely think straight. The dude was like talking directly to me. Not literally, but the message was me in a nutshell.
Over the course of my life, I have bought into so many lies. Lies that tell me that I have to be perfect. my life has become a performance. Make good grades, be a good friend, be a good Christian, eat healthy, workout, have a perfect body, be involved, never be weak. The lies go on and on and on. It is like I have lived inside this internal pressure cooker. And it doesn't matter where I go because I carry this pressure with me. I cannot escape myself.
By accepting all the world's standards of what it means to be a good person, no a perfect person, I have become someone who operates out of fear. No one can see it from the outside because from the outside I look perfect. And I also had parents who helped me work through a lot of it, so that watered it down a lot. But those fears that I have created around myself just led to the domino effect. I became critical of others but mostly of myself because I believed I had a standard I had to meet. To cope with all this, I became arrogant and comparing. I would encourage myself by saying I was doing better than that person, and I would become depressed when I saw I wasn't as good as someone else. Then when it all would become too much....CONTROL.
Its exhausting just talking about it. I mean here I was in this pretty little box with my perfect bow on top but underneath it all, I was living in so much fear. Always afraid of not being enough. Always striving for perfection, and beating myself up inside when I did not meet the standards I had set.
Shew, I am tired now. ;) but really....
So, as all of this was being laid on the table, I was in my head just going omg this is me, but what do I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
The dude eventually laid out how to counteract each one of these strongholds which brought some light to the situation, but, nonetheless, I left with a pretty heavy heart yet so much peace. It felt good to finally understand everything running through the inside. I think when I talk about what is going on people tend to think I know what I am talking about cause it comes out clear, but on the inside I literally am a big jumble of blah. Thus, it felt good to hear someone shine light on the jumble in me, and put to words what my insides were trying to say. But I knew I had a lot to work out with the Lord.
That is when it all began....
The Lord spent the next few days pouring out truth in my life. He revealed past memories that I had been suppressing. He revealed sin that I was withholding. Literally, he just started shedding light on everything. And then....he asked me to not only realize it but repent and ask for healing. I have been learning that forgiveness come from asking the Lord to forgive you and others, but healing comes from speaking the truth into the open--aka confessing it. That, honestly, was horrifying to me. To ask for forgiveness was hard enough, but to go to these people and admit what I had done and be willing to publicly speak about some of these secrets I had been harboring was like a nightmare....
But the pain that I felt holding it in just wasn't worth it anymore. The pain was greater than the strength I had to keep the secret and keep hiding. So I chose to be obedient to the call.
I have spent the last few days, asking for forgiveness. And last night, for the first time, I admitted publicly my true testimony. I sat in a room and told people all the little lies I had promised I would never speak.
I thought doing all this would be hard. And, not going to lie, it was. But it was getting the courage to do it that was hard. The actual doing it, was not. And the response from the people around me has been nothing but love. nothing but encouragement. nothing but a picture of Christ. There was no judgment, in fact, I was immediately covered with prayer and I looked around to see girls breaking for my pain. Rather than seeing what I had done as terrible, they saw the pain that I had been living in. They saw a little girl who was trapped in lies and was dying just to get her breathe. Their hearts broke for me. WOW. It is in these moments that I realize why Jesus is the only way. He put that empathy in their hearts for me. He loves in that way. He is the reason they can see me and feel such pain and hurt for me. Shew, He is the only way to live this life. I don't know how anyone else can make it without Him.
Though it seems that would be the end of all this pain, it is not. God is healing me right now. He is bringing to light all of the past in order that I might be free from it. But He is always building strength in me...I don't quite understand why the Lord is allowing what He is allowing or how He is going to use it, but I know there is a reason. You see, for the past year and a half, I have struggled with illness. I have gone from one sickness to the next. I have been dealing with back pain. I have been having nightmares. I have a constant tiredness that no doctor can seem to figure out how to fix. And I have a heart that longs for things which I cannot have. And with all of that, I am trying to redefine beauty and believe that I am beautiful.
I don't even know how to explain the attack I feel. A part of me has been so angry at God. Like if He is this good and mighty God then why won't He heal me? If He loves me so much then why after months and months and months of praying for this and having prayer over me, why has He not taken it away? I am so exhausted. I wake up everyday so exhausted. And some days, it's not a big deal. Some days, I just become numb to it, and can push through, but other days, other days I just wonder how I am going to make it through the next hour. It is such a mental battle, and sometimes I just don't feel like fighting anymore. Sometimes, I just want to know why God won't just take it away. I am dying to serve Him. I am dying to live my life for Him. I want to go on my outreach phase and be able to serve with all my heart, my soul, and my strength, but it baffles me how I can do that when I am so consumed with the pain I feel. And everyone hears this and thinks they have the answer. They think they have the key to making me feel better. They think I have to choose to get up and go and live life, but I am! I am here at YWAM. I am living. I may not always be happy, but I have joy. Days get hard, but I am still choosing to live.
I don't say any of this to get a pity party or to make people see how holy and righteous I am. I say this because in my heart this is how I feel, and knowing that will help people understand the next thing I am going to say SO MUCH MORE. And by knowing that, it will bring so much more glory to what God is about to do.
So on Sunday of this week, I hit that wall again. I just barely could talk. I was so angry at God and so numb to the world. My heart was breaking because I began to lose hope. It seemed like no matter where I went, this always eventually happened again. This physical tired took over and the mental exhaustion with it. I began to literally lose hope; I did not have the will to keep fighting. My friends here helped me battle through the day. Praise Jesus for them. Then Monday came, and I felt the same. We had a worship service and I literally just had this image enter my mind of me falling before Jesus saying, "what more do you want from me? what else do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" It wasn't an angry question; it was pain. I could see myself falling down just weeping, begging for Him to tell me. It was an image of me that was not pride, but sincere regret for my mistakes and humiliation for the things I had chosen over Him, but also frustration at not knowing what to do to just be forgiven and free. I just want freedom. As the worship continued, I couldn't even sing the music. I was on the ground in tears just begging God to please save me. Please please save me. (literally)
The whole sermon that day was about surrendering it all, and the whole time, I was going back and forth between thinking: okay God what more do you want from me? What more do I have to surrender? What happens when you feel you have surrendered it all and you are left with brokenness?
That is when the above story comes into play. Later that night, I went to a get together with all the women in my program. We began to share, and I just opened up and told the truth. I told about my past, and I told about what I was currently going through. The women gathered around me and prayed healing over me. They encouraged me that I was no longer bound by my past sin, but I was new and that the reason for this pain is not because of my past sins. They told me that I was carrying too much and striving and that I needed to let go. They told me that Jesus was going to bring healing, and that all this pain I felt was an attack from the devil to hold me down. They spent 30-45 minutes just showering me with love, encouragement, and prayer. Jesus spoke words, wisdom, visions, and truth through all of them. It brought back hope.
Later that night, my dear friend pulled me aside. She told me that when she touched me during prayer she got this picture of Simba (in the Lion King) roaring. He just over and over roaring. She said she could see that God was showing her that I was Simba, and that God was teaching me how to roar. She said that she knew what she was about to say may not be what I wanted to hear and that I needed to pray about it, but that she felt the Lord saying he was not going to heal me...yet. She said she felt like He was saying that He could heal me, but what would bring Him more glory is to resurrect me. As soon as she said it, I knew it was true.
I think I have known for awhile that is why I have not been healed, but for someone to say it to me made it more clear. I mean this life is not about me; it is about Him. It is about bringing glory to Him, and as much as I long to be healed and long for life and abundant life, I ultimately long for my life to be used to bring Him glory and to bring others to Him. I know that He will give me abundant life because He has promised it, but because I have given my life to Him and because my heart aches to bring people closer to the love I know in Him, I have given myself over to be used to bring Him glory. I have the ideas in my mind of how I should be healed or when, but God has better ones, and He knows the way to heal me that will bring me life and Him glory. It is His way that will ultimately bring the most satisfaction to my soul.
By changing my perspective to this, it has given me hope to endure the trials. To live beyond my circumstances. And though at times I feel hopeless and pain, it is by remembering who Jesus is and my love for Him that I endure. He provides what I need to survive each time I began to lose hope...just like he provided the friends on Sunday and that gathering to open up at last night.
Anyhow, I knew in my heart that Anna Grace was right when she spoke that to me. I could feel it in my spirit and I think the Lord had been preparing me for that. I know that He has brought me to this place to heal me and I know it is coming soon and that when it comes I will never ever be the same. I cannot wait for it. Though I don't understand, I am truly learning what it means to lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths. I don't understand, but I hope, I believe, and I have faith!
Today the sermon was all about having faith in action which means having a spirit that says "I won't quit!" It talked about pushing through and holding on through faith. WOW, how encouraging. The Lord provided exactly what I needed. Though, the pain remains and I still don't understand, the Lord provided what I needed. He is giving me the strength to endure until He resurrects me. WHAT AN AWESOME DAY THAT IS GOING TO BE!
Now the COOL PART...
So during the worship, Anna Grace got another vision of me...
it was a volcano. She said that through the vision of the volcano, the Lord showed her that the devil was trying to kill me on the inside. He was trying to put everything he could on me to stop me, but the Lord showed her that what the devil was using to try to kill me, the Lord was using to make me stronger, and that soon I was going to erupt. And that when I erupt it is going to be cover so many people. He should her that right now He was building strength in me, and that healing was about to come.
As I prayed on that my excitement grew and grew and grew. Ahh, the Lord just spoke so much hope into me. Telling me that I was going to erupt and that I was going to be NEW, FREE, AND HEALED. Ahhhh! And the healing that I am going to receive is going to bring Him glory. He will be glorified through my pain. Just like God was glorified through Jesus' pain, and just like Jesus is glorified anytime we are persecuted for His name. HOW COOL! The Lord put so much strength and hope into me today and gave me the strength and courage to cry out to the devil that he can pour all the ashes on me that he wants. he can bring it on, because the Lord turns beauty into ashes. The more ashes the devil pours on me, the more beauty the Lord will create.
BEAUTY FOR ASHES!
Gosh, I long to know this God more and more, and I know it is coming..It is coming, AND I cannot wait!
I say all this because I believe more than writing the awesome lessons I am learning, that this is the real way to show people Jesus. That through my personal struggle, people will be able to relate and be encouraged and find the strength to cry out to Jesus because He will do this in each and every one of our lives. He longs to love his children. He longs to use His children. This is not about me. This is about how good God is. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. He is so good. And He longs to do miracles in each of our lives. I am no more special than anyone else reading this. I long to be used by Him and I long to know Him and be madly in love with Him and let that love change me. That is what he requires. A willing spirit and an obedient, hungry heart. Those who are thirsty will be filled, and those who are hungry will be fed. ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO YOU IF YOU SEEK IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART.
Are you ready to get your world rocked?!?!?!?!?!?
"You overwhelm and satisfy my soul.
I will never ever have to be afraid.
You remain.
Your love never fails.
It never gives up on me."
Monday, January 16, 2012
Let them roar...
Before I share my heart and my personal battle, I want to just talk about some awesome things that excite me and ask you all to join in with me.
We have been given outreach locations to do our two months of mission work. I would really love for anyone who is reading this to pray over these locations and see what the Lord lays on your heart for me. Please don't tell me anything if you do not feel it has been laid on your heart by the Lord. Though I appreciate your opinions, I want words from the Lord.
Macau, China.
French Polynesia (Tahiti)
Ghana, Africa
Mozambique, Africa
If you get any vision, word, dream, revelation, prophesy, or anything from the Lord regarding one of these places or my time during my outreach will look like or even just a random word that you don't understand please please please share with me. I think it could be really cool to see what the Lord will do with this. And don't feel pressure...I am asking for prayer because I want to see the Lord work, but ultimately He will lead me personally where I need to be.
----
Today our class was on intercession. I LOVED IT. You know, I never knew I had a heart for intercession prayer until today, and then it hit me, and not I cannot wait to continue in it.
Intercession (prayer) is different than normal praying in that, prayer is meant to be an intimate time with the Lord. It is personal, but intercession is praying on behalf of someone or something or someplace else. Its praying for the Kingdom outside of yourself. You are allowing yourself to be the gap aka bridge--between God and the one being prayed over. It is a prayer that requests a power to breakthrough for that person/place/thing. Now, that does not mean it will necessarily come to pass...God can answer your prayers, but ultimately the person has a choice whether or not to accept it. That's why it's love ya know? (shout out to Abigail Scheid right there hehe)
Anywho, today as we went over intercession, I realized how much I have a heart for it. I think everyone does, but it looks different in different people's lives. Like for me, I LOVE to get up in the dark of the morning and walk and pray. I like the stillness, the solitude, the active moment in the complete darkness. I like being able to walk around and talk out loud and let my mind wander as I cry out to the Lord for others. When I pray for myself I like a pen and paper. It helps me organize my jumbled thoughts, but when I pray for others, I love walking and talking. I have even begun to realize that it is more refreshing to my soul to get up at 3 in the morning and talk and pray with the Lord then it is for me to sleep. Crazy right?!? But I love it...literally. I crave it. I have more energy on days that I spend walking and praying with the Lord.
I have also learned that I have a relational heart. When I intercede, I don't like to pray for a place I feel no connection to; I like to pray for somewhere where I know people, where I can feel the hurt. I am business minded, yes, but people oriented--make sense? I think a lot of people probably really feel that way--its hard to pray for something you have no connection to, but anyway...I have really been asking God to give me the heart of Jesus. Give me the heart that breaks with empathy, compassion, and love for others and what they are going through. To give me spiritual eyes that allow me to understand the pain behind the story rather than the actions that are taking center stage.
I am realizing that I have a heart for Bristol. Oh, how my heart breaks for the pain I see in people in Bristol. My heart cries out for Bristol.
This leads me to the next thing I am learning>>>
I have a heart for CHANGE. I don't know exactly what that means in my life, but I do know that I have a heart that aches to bring CHANGE AND JUSTICE. As I have been reading verses, I have begun to write down words that pop in my mind. Words that resonate somewhere deep in my soul:
PIONEER. JUSTICE. CHANGE. FREEDOM. CHAINS. BLIND. BOLD. GENTLE. COURAGE. ACHE. LONGING. ZEAL. PASSION. DESIRE. PRESENCE. AUTHORITY. POWER. TREMBLING.
It reminds me of a storm. Oh, how I love storms. Something about them. They are so powerful yet refreshing, and that moment before the storm hits and all becomes completely still...THEN BOOM. Ahh, I just love it. It actually genuinely excites me just talking about it. Weird, huh?
I don't know what all these words mean or even why I like storms, but I know that they mean something. The Lord will provide the answers when they need to be revealed. BUT...cool story REAL QUICKLY.
One night when I was asleep here, the Lord woke me up just in time to hear one of my roommates yell "HIS VOICE IS LIGHTNING!" She yelled it in her sleep and has no recollection of it, but when I heard her scream it in the middle of the night, I did not know why, but I did know that it was meant for me. For whatever reason, the Lord wanted to tell me that phrase through her, but I have no idea why. I am pumped to find out though :)
I ask that you all would be covering my sleep with prayer. I have been having tons of dreams, but I keep waking up and they keep being snatched away. I know for some people that is normal, but for me...it's NOT. I remember my dreams, and usually I get a lot of revelation through them, so if you could be praying protection over me as I sleep and remembrance that would be AWESOME.
------
Now, for the incredibly personal battle....
Today has been....WAR.
That is literally the best way I know to describe it. I woke up and did not know my own thoughts. The devil was roaring in my head all morning. He was attacking my thoughts.
You see, before coming to YWAM, the Lord spoke Hosea 2:14-20 to me:
We have been given outreach locations to do our two months of mission work. I would really love for anyone who is reading this to pray over these locations and see what the Lord lays on your heart for me. Please don't tell me anything if you do not feel it has been laid on your heart by the Lord. Though I appreciate your opinions, I want words from the Lord.
Macau, China.
French Polynesia (Tahiti)
Ghana, Africa
Mozambique, Africa
If you get any vision, word, dream, revelation, prophesy, or anything from the Lord regarding one of these places or my time during my outreach will look like or even just a random word that you don't understand please please please share with me. I think it could be really cool to see what the Lord will do with this. And don't feel pressure...I am asking for prayer because I want to see the Lord work, but ultimately He will lead me personally where I need to be.
----
Today our class was on intercession. I LOVED IT. You know, I never knew I had a heart for intercession prayer until today, and then it hit me, and not I cannot wait to continue in it.
Intercession (prayer) is different than normal praying in that, prayer is meant to be an intimate time with the Lord. It is personal, but intercession is praying on behalf of someone or something or someplace else. Its praying for the Kingdom outside of yourself. You are allowing yourself to be the gap aka bridge--between God and the one being prayed over. It is a prayer that requests a power to breakthrough for that person/place/thing. Now, that does not mean it will necessarily come to pass...God can answer your prayers, but ultimately the person has a choice whether or not to accept it. That's why it's love ya know? (shout out to Abigail Scheid right there hehe)
Anywho, today as we went over intercession, I realized how much I have a heart for it. I think everyone does, but it looks different in different people's lives. Like for me, I LOVE to get up in the dark of the morning and walk and pray. I like the stillness, the solitude, the active moment in the complete darkness. I like being able to walk around and talk out loud and let my mind wander as I cry out to the Lord for others. When I pray for myself I like a pen and paper. It helps me organize my jumbled thoughts, but when I pray for others, I love walking and talking. I have even begun to realize that it is more refreshing to my soul to get up at 3 in the morning and talk and pray with the Lord then it is for me to sleep. Crazy right?!? But I love it...literally. I crave it. I have more energy on days that I spend walking and praying with the Lord.
I have also learned that I have a relational heart. When I intercede, I don't like to pray for a place I feel no connection to; I like to pray for somewhere where I know people, where I can feel the hurt. I am business minded, yes, but people oriented--make sense? I think a lot of people probably really feel that way--its hard to pray for something you have no connection to, but anyway...I have really been asking God to give me the heart of Jesus. Give me the heart that breaks with empathy, compassion, and love for others and what they are going through. To give me spiritual eyes that allow me to understand the pain behind the story rather than the actions that are taking center stage.
I am realizing that I have a heart for Bristol. Oh, how my heart breaks for the pain I see in people in Bristol. My heart cries out for Bristol.
This leads me to the next thing I am learning>>>
I have a heart for CHANGE. I don't know exactly what that means in my life, but I do know that I have a heart that aches to bring CHANGE AND JUSTICE. As I have been reading verses, I have begun to write down words that pop in my mind. Words that resonate somewhere deep in my soul:
PIONEER. JUSTICE. CHANGE. FREEDOM. CHAINS. BLIND. BOLD. GENTLE. COURAGE. ACHE. LONGING. ZEAL. PASSION. DESIRE. PRESENCE. AUTHORITY. POWER. TREMBLING.
It reminds me of a storm. Oh, how I love storms. Something about them. They are so powerful yet refreshing, and that moment before the storm hits and all becomes completely still...THEN BOOM. Ahh, I just love it. It actually genuinely excites me just talking about it. Weird, huh?
I don't know what all these words mean or even why I like storms, but I know that they mean something. The Lord will provide the answers when they need to be revealed. BUT...cool story REAL QUICKLY.
One night when I was asleep here, the Lord woke me up just in time to hear one of my roommates yell "HIS VOICE IS LIGHTNING!" She yelled it in her sleep and has no recollection of it, but when I heard her scream it in the middle of the night, I did not know why, but I did know that it was meant for me. For whatever reason, the Lord wanted to tell me that phrase through her, but I have no idea why. I am pumped to find out though :)
I ask that you all would be covering my sleep with prayer. I have been having tons of dreams, but I keep waking up and they keep being snatched away. I know for some people that is normal, but for me...it's NOT. I remember my dreams, and usually I get a lot of revelation through them, so if you could be praying protection over me as I sleep and remembrance that would be AWESOME.
------
Now, for the incredibly personal battle....
Today has been....WAR.
That is literally the best way I know to describe it. I woke up and did not know my own thoughts. The devil was roaring in my head all morning. He was attacking my thoughts.
You see, before coming to YWAM, the Lord spoke Hosea 2:14-20 to me:
Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[a] a door of hope.
There she will respond[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[a] a door of hope.
There she will respond[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[c]’
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in[d] righteousness and justice,
in[e] love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in[f] faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[c]’
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in[d] righteousness and justice,
in[e] love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in[f] faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
He has called me to this place to remove the idol that has taken his place for so long>>>>beauty. And though I have been battling this for the past year, the Lord is now teaching me that the key to triumph is Him. It is not about figuring out what a balanced workout is or what a balanced diet is, but it is about setting my eyes on Jesus and as I fall in love with Him, beauty will become about my beauty in Him. "Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." (Psalm 34:5)
Though I know this truth, today was just hard. It's one of those times when you know the answer, but it was just....painful. Literal pain. I keep getting this vision of me walking into a room and Jesus is there. The second I see him, I just fall on my knees and cry out, "I am so sorry. so so so sorry. I am so sorry that I chose this over you. I am sorry..." Just imagining it, I can feel the pain. It's more than a frustration...it is heartbreak. I don't want to constantly think about my body and what I will eat or how I can make myself look better. I don't want my mood to be based on the way I feel in my clothes. I don't want to be a slave to my body. I want FREEDOM. I long for freedom. I was not made to be in chains. I was made to abide in His love, and for the first time in a long time, I can feel the chains and I WANT OUT. But the process is hard. I can feel myself falling more and more into Christ. I long for Him. Ache for Him. Crave Him. He is becoming so real and personal, but at the same time, I can feel my heart being ripped to pieces. I am letting go of a part of me---so it's like simultaneously I am dying yet gaining life. It makes no sense and yet at the same time, it makes perfect sense.
Side note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Dg5JXE7FLk
So today was fleshing out of the spiritual battle that is taking place. It was like a war inside my head. THE LION WAS ROARING, but something I have learned is that when the lion roars...LET HIM. The teeth of the great lion are broken. ARE BROKEN, not will be but ARE. I am learning that the key is not to try and fight it or to avoid it, but literally just "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." (Psalm 46:10)
Thus, that is what my morning looked like. Lions roaring in my head and me just getting still and saying, "Go ahead and roar... I hear you but I will NOT respond to you."
I guess the point is that the key to victory is not what you can do to fix it or what you can do to silence it, but it is acknowledgement of your frailty in the flesh and your strength in the Lord. He is warrior---let Him fight for you. Let go and Let Love.
Daniel 10:18-19
"Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. 19 “Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong.”
Beauty...
When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, “Speak, my lord, since you have given me strength.”
Job 4:10
The lions may roar and growl, but the teeth of the great lions are broken.
Exodus 15:3
The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name.
A woman who fears the Lord:
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
(Proverbs 31:10-31 ESV)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
From the heart
So today I write completely out of my heart. I am not looking back at notes or replaying some key points in my mind from the teaching----this is completely what is flowing from my heart.
At the current moment I am struggling. Not in an earth shattering sort of way, but just a mental battle. I am really trying to redefine beauty in my mind. I am trying to teach myself that beauty comes from the Lord, not from the way my clothes fit or the size of my body, but some days it is really hard to understand and BELIEVE that. Right now is one of those moments. For the past 6 years I have eaten to stay skinny, and now here I am at 20 years old and am so clueless as to what it looks like to eat without the mindset of staying skinny, or to workout without the idea of manipulating and perfecting my body. WHAT IS HEALTHY, not skinny or image focused, just healthy? Such a simple question, but actually so hard. It's so hard to know how to forgive yourself. Every time I feel I mess up and get too caught up in image or going the complete opposite direction and becoming a glutton, I am consumed with guilt and condemnation. I am learning forgiving yourself is the hardest step. But this battle will be won ONE DAY AT A TIME, and I am confident that one day in the near future, the size of my body will not haunt me nor even cross my mind. Confidence in the Lord will be the only beauty that I seek. I will clothe myself in His righteousness, and thoughts of inadequacy because of the size of my body will not exist. There will be a day, and it is coming. SOON. I am walking in the revelation of the freedom the Lord has given me. The grave has already been conquered.
Though at the moment I am really struggling with beauty and letting go of allowing it to rule my mind, my heart is beginning to really fall in love. like truly fall in love. I have known Jesus my whole life and been raised in the church and by parents who devoted their life to serving the Lord, and a year and a half ago I begin to really follow Him and began to really KNOW HIM, but wow....
I am falling in love. I am finally meeting Jesus--the man Jesus. Not the religion or the rules or even the "faith." I am meeting HIM---the person. The man who died on the cross in order to write the ultimate love story for me. The man who calls me HIS BRIDE. Ahhh, I don't even know how to express what this feels like....
It's like when you are talking about that significant other that you are dating or like or whatever your relationship and as you explain that person, you can feel your heart falling in love with them. It's like your heart is reminded of how good that person is and how much you long for them and how much they mean to you....THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
My heart literally LONGS for Him. LONGS. We have this place here on campus at YWAM called the prayer room. It's a 24/7 room where there is worship and prayer. I have started to spend around 2-4 hours a day there at the least, and OH MY GOSH...My heart literally craves that place. I wake up in the morning and cannot wait to get there. I just long to go there and spend time with Him. Journaling. Reading the Word. Singing. Listening. Napping. Anything. Everything. Just time to be with Him. I crave it. It's like I have finally found something that satisfies and I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Finally, my heart, my soul, my everything feels quenched. Finally, there is something that is enough. Oh how He is so enough---more than enough. It's not even about what He shows me or tells me or being in prayer or worship, its just about being with Him. HE IS SO REAL. He is so so so so so so so so so real. and so alive and so present. HE IS SO PRESENT. I don't even know how to explain how real He is. I wish I could make everyone feel what I feel right now.
Something else I have been learning is that God is a God who cares about what we want. I could go on and on and on about what exactly this means but really its pretty simple. God is a god who cares. If He wanted us to be the same, why would He make us different? Our heart's desires mean something. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES IN YOUR HEART. Yes, there is a fleshly desire for sure, but if your heart is delighting in Him, then He controls the heart. HE IS OUR HEART. God is not a god who is out to get us and make us do everything we hate. He cares about us. I mean He is our dad....He created us. He knows us. He knows what will satisfy. He wants us to find JOY IN HIM. I have had the hardest time understanding that God would actually give me everything I want, but I am starting to see....SOMETIMES HE DOES. When it will bring Him glory, He gives us everything we could possibly desire. He cares. He is our Abba....our Papa. He loves us. Love can look different at different times. But we can trust in His love. He is the definition of love.
Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him. He shall direct thy paths....
the path that leads to WATERS THAT NEVER FAIL.
Come away...come abide in His love. IT SATISFIES.
Those who thirst will be quenched and those who hunger will be fed.
This is what I desire, that they may be with me where I am.....Oh, how he longs to be with us. He wants to be with us....before He wants to lead us or use us, He longs to LOVE US.
Can you think of anything better than a love that longs for nothing more than JUST WHO WE ARE?
I can't. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.
At the current moment I am struggling. Not in an earth shattering sort of way, but just a mental battle. I am really trying to redefine beauty in my mind. I am trying to teach myself that beauty comes from the Lord, not from the way my clothes fit or the size of my body, but some days it is really hard to understand and BELIEVE that. Right now is one of those moments. For the past 6 years I have eaten to stay skinny, and now here I am at 20 years old and am so clueless as to what it looks like to eat without the mindset of staying skinny, or to workout without the idea of manipulating and perfecting my body. WHAT IS HEALTHY, not skinny or image focused, just healthy? Such a simple question, but actually so hard. It's so hard to know how to forgive yourself. Every time I feel I mess up and get too caught up in image or going the complete opposite direction and becoming a glutton, I am consumed with guilt and condemnation. I am learning forgiving yourself is the hardest step. But this battle will be won ONE DAY AT A TIME, and I am confident that one day in the near future, the size of my body will not haunt me nor even cross my mind. Confidence in the Lord will be the only beauty that I seek. I will clothe myself in His righteousness, and thoughts of inadequacy because of the size of my body will not exist. There will be a day, and it is coming. SOON. I am walking in the revelation of the freedom the Lord has given me. The grave has already been conquered.
Though at the moment I am really struggling with beauty and letting go of allowing it to rule my mind, my heart is beginning to really fall in love. like truly fall in love. I have known Jesus my whole life and been raised in the church and by parents who devoted their life to serving the Lord, and a year and a half ago I begin to really follow Him and began to really KNOW HIM, but wow....
I am falling in love. I am finally meeting Jesus--the man Jesus. Not the religion or the rules or even the "faith." I am meeting HIM---the person. The man who died on the cross in order to write the ultimate love story for me. The man who calls me HIS BRIDE. Ahhh, I don't even know how to express what this feels like....
It's like when you are talking about that significant other that you are dating or like or whatever your relationship and as you explain that person, you can feel your heart falling in love with them. It's like your heart is reminded of how good that person is and how much you long for them and how much they mean to you....THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
My heart literally LONGS for Him. LONGS. We have this place here on campus at YWAM called the prayer room. It's a 24/7 room where there is worship and prayer. I have started to spend around 2-4 hours a day there at the least, and OH MY GOSH...My heart literally craves that place. I wake up in the morning and cannot wait to get there. I just long to go there and spend time with Him. Journaling. Reading the Word. Singing. Listening. Napping. Anything. Everything. Just time to be with Him. I crave it. It's like I have finally found something that satisfies and I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Finally, my heart, my soul, my everything feels quenched. Finally, there is something that is enough. Oh how He is so enough---more than enough. It's not even about what He shows me or tells me or being in prayer or worship, its just about being with Him. HE IS SO REAL. He is so so so so so so so so so real. and so alive and so present. HE IS SO PRESENT. I don't even know how to explain how real He is. I wish I could make everyone feel what I feel right now.
Something else I have been learning is that God is a God who cares about what we want. I could go on and on and on about what exactly this means but really its pretty simple. God is a god who cares. If He wanted us to be the same, why would He make us different? Our heart's desires mean something. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES IN YOUR HEART. Yes, there is a fleshly desire for sure, but if your heart is delighting in Him, then He controls the heart. HE IS OUR HEART. God is not a god who is out to get us and make us do everything we hate. He cares about us. I mean He is our dad....He created us. He knows us. He knows what will satisfy. He wants us to find JOY IN HIM. I have had the hardest time understanding that God would actually give me everything I want, but I am starting to see....SOMETIMES HE DOES. When it will bring Him glory, He gives us everything we could possibly desire. He cares. He is our Abba....our Papa. He loves us. Love can look different at different times. But we can trust in His love. He is the definition of love.
Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him. He shall direct thy paths....
the path that leads to WATERS THAT NEVER FAIL.
Come away...come abide in His love. IT SATISFIES.
Those who thirst will be quenched and those who hunger will be fed.
This is what I desire, that they may be with me where I am.....Oh, how he longs to be with us. He wants to be with us....before He wants to lead us or use us, He longs to LOVE US.
Can you think of anything better than a love that longs for nothing more than JUST WHO WE ARE?
I can't. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.
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