Goliath

It's the same everytime. This wall. I hit the same towering wall every single time. Let me elaborate...

As anyone who has been reading my blogs knows, I have spent the last two years...well, let's just say "Oh, the places you'll go" is appropriate. I have been all over the place, but the funny thing is, after two years of searching, I realize that I am more lost now than I was when I started. Sometimes I even catch myself envious of who I used to be...I'm ashamed to even say it. I mean the person I used to be was trapped and so desperately in need of help. I was in bad relationships and living in secret and so consumed in fear that I could not even stand my own thoughts. I remember not even being able to ride alone in my car for over 10 minutes because my head drove me crazy. I say all this and you must wonder why I would ever be envious of this...But I am.

I don't envy the pain and I constantly have to remind myself that going back to that place would take me back to a lot of pain. The brain has an incredible ability to forget pain. A curse and a blessing I suppose. It's not the pain that I miss, but it's those times before I got so hurt and trapped that I miss...those days when I felt the freedom to seek a life I wanted. I felt a freedom to go after that which I desired. I miss the days when I felt like it was okay for me to....LIVE.

Crazy, right?! I mean why would I be so afraid to live. But I am. Not because I don't think I am good enough or because I am scared I won't succeed. Yes, I have moments when I feel that way, but honestly, what really holds me back is thinking that who I am is wrong and everything I desire is wrong.

I am stuck.

Stuck in this place where I know that if I were to die tomorrow then I would be so full of regret, and yet at the same time feeling as though if I start seeking the life I desire then I will fall out of love with God and not even know it. I am scared that by living, I will get so caught up in myself that I will become numb to God.

I honestly don't even know what it means to live anymore. I hit the wall--my very own Goliath.

I think every part of me is just crying out for someone to tell me it's okay to live. But I don't trust anyone enough to believe them even when they do tell me. I have had so many voices telling me all the things that are wrong with me--things that keep me from being closer to God, that I can seem to hear anything else anymore. They just sit in my head, each one telling me something different, until finally I become paralyzed--completely unaware of what to do.

I love what YWAM did for me and the freedom it has brought, but there is one thing that seems to remain--the fear to live. I can't find that balance between what YWAM taught me and what it means for me to actually just live life. I feel guilty for trying to do anything-- like by doing something it means I don't trust God to work.

A part of me thinks the real problem is that I can't let go of the voices and I am living to please others. Rather than just living my own life. A part of me thinks that the mindset that if I live then I am pushing God out the door that it is that mindset that actually what pushes me from God. It's not the living, but rather thinking that who I am is wrong and that by living I don't trust god, its that mindset that makes me not want to seek God.

I don't want to lose Him. I don't want to fall out of love with Him. I don't want to have a kid one day who looks at me and wonders how I fell away from the Lord without even knowing it. I don't want to become numb...to know all the right words but not actually know what I am saying. I don't want to buy into the lies of this world.

But I am tired...I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of trying to please people. I am tired of caring what people think about me. I want to live. I want to seek the life I imagine in my head. I want to workout and not feel guilty. I want to eat healthy and know that taking care of my body isn't a sin and I am not obsessed. I want to invest in the lives of high school kids. I want to read books. I want to travel the world--not as a missionary, but just as myself...going out to see the world and let the Lord provide the encounters. I want to have a career that allows me to use my gifts and to work hard and to make a difference. I want to help change the world. I want to wake up everyday and do something with that day. Not that I always have to be doing, but I can set goals and work hard. I want to find a man who longs to live life and who loves the Lord. A man who will push me to seek God but will also free me to live life to the fullest. I want to raise children who know that who they are is who God made them to be. Children who know that even though they mess up also know that God is ALWAYS with them and that He is real and ALIVE. I want to life a dangerous, crazy, passionate, fearless life. I want to work hard and help people and love with all that I have. I want to be who I was meant to be. I want to be free....free to be me. Free to live. Free to love. Free to seek adventure. Free.

So as much as I am dying for God to just come down and tell me that I can do this maybe that is not the lesson here. Maybe just maybe, the lesson is learning to trust. Trust that God is with me to the end of the age and that He will take care of me and never let go of me. Maybe the lesson here is that for once in my life I don't have to protect my heart but I can trust God to protect it.

It's time to face the wall. It's time to kill Goliath.