Well, hmm, I will start with hello. Hey!
So this past week or so has been...good/hard/amazing/terrible/painful/joyful. You get the point. I have been so engulfed in just working through everything that I haven't even been able to get on my blog. I haven't known where to even start. Even now I struggle with where to begin.
We have had some awesome teachings lately but last Tuesday we had a teaching that began this whole battle I am currently waging.
The teaching was on strongholds. It talked about the 6 strongholds that build the walls of the box that we live in. The strongholds were Phobia-->Criticism-->Egoism-->Comparison-->Arrogance-->Control
As we worked through the list, I could barely think straight. The dude was like talking directly to me. Not literally, but the message was me in a nutshell.
Over the course of my life, I have bought into so many lies. Lies that tell me that I have to be perfect. my life has become a performance. Make good grades, be a good friend, be a good Christian, eat healthy, workout, have a perfect body, be involved, never be weak. The lies go on and on and on. It is like I have lived inside this internal pressure cooker. And it doesn't matter where I go because I carry this pressure with me. I cannot escape myself.
By accepting all the world's standards of what it means to be a good person, no a perfect person, I have become someone who operates out of fear. No one can see it from the outside because from the outside I look perfect. And I also had parents who helped me work through a lot of it, so that watered it down a lot. But those fears that I have created around myself just led to the domino effect. I became critical of others but mostly of myself because I believed I had a standard I had to meet. To cope with all this, I became arrogant and comparing. I would encourage myself by saying I was doing better than that person, and I would become depressed when I saw I wasn't as good as someone else. Then when it all would become too much....CONTROL.
Its exhausting just talking about it. I mean here I was in this pretty little box with my perfect bow on top but underneath it all, I was living in so much fear. Always afraid of not being enough. Always striving for perfection, and beating myself up inside when I did not meet the standards I had set.
Shew, I am tired now. ;) but really....
So, as all of this was being laid on the table, I was in my head just going omg this is me, but what do I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
The dude eventually laid out how to counteract each one of these strongholds which brought some light to the situation, but, nonetheless, I left with a pretty heavy heart yet so much peace. It felt good to finally understand everything running through the inside. I think when I talk about what is going on people tend to think I know what I am talking about cause it comes out clear, but on the inside I literally am a big jumble of blah. Thus, it felt good to hear someone shine light on the jumble in me, and put to words what my insides were trying to say. But I knew I had a lot to work out with the Lord.
That is when it all began....
The Lord spent the next few days pouring out truth in my life. He revealed past memories that I had been suppressing. He revealed sin that I was withholding. Literally, he just started shedding light on everything. And then....he asked me to not only realize it but repent and ask for healing. I have been learning that forgiveness come from asking the Lord to forgive you and others, but healing comes from speaking the truth into the open--aka confessing it. That, honestly, was horrifying to me. To ask for forgiveness was hard enough, but to go to these people and admit what I had done and be willing to publicly speak about some of these secrets I had been harboring was like a nightmare....
But the pain that I felt holding it in just wasn't worth it anymore. The pain was greater than the strength I had to keep the secret and keep hiding. So I chose to be obedient to the call.
I have spent the last few days, asking for forgiveness. And last night, for the first time, I admitted publicly my true testimony. I sat in a room and told people all the little lies I had promised I would never speak.
I thought doing all this would be hard. And, not going to lie, it was. But it was getting the courage to do it that was hard. The actual doing it, was not. And the response from the people around me has been nothing but love. nothing but encouragement. nothing but a picture of Christ. There was no judgment, in fact, I was immediately covered with prayer and I looked around to see girls breaking for my pain. Rather than seeing what I had done as terrible, they saw the pain that I had been living in. They saw a little girl who was trapped in lies and was dying just to get her breathe. Their hearts broke for me. WOW. It is in these moments that I realize why Jesus is the only way. He put that empathy in their hearts for me. He loves in that way. He is the reason they can see me and feel such pain and hurt for me. Shew, He is the only way to live this life. I don't know how anyone else can make it without Him.
Though it seems that would be the end of all this pain, it is not. God is healing me right now. He is bringing to light all of the past in order that I might be free from it. But He is always building strength in me...I don't quite understand why the Lord is allowing what He is allowing or how He is going to use it, but I know there is a reason. You see, for the past year and a half, I have struggled with illness. I have gone from one sickness to the next. I have been dealing with back pain. I have been having nightmares. I have a constant tiredness that no doctor can seem to figure out how to fix. And I have a heart that longs for things which I cannot have. And with all of that, I am trying to redefine beauty and believe that I am beautiful.
I don't even know how to explain the attack I feel. A part of me has been so angry at God. Like if He is this good and mighty God then why won't He heal me? If He loves me so much then why after months and months and months of praying for this and having prayer over me, why has He not taken it away? I am so exhausted. I wake up everyday so exhausted. And some days, it's not a big deal. Some days, I just become numb to it, and can push through, but other days, other days I just wonder how I am going to make it through the next hour. It is such a mental battle, and sometimes I just don't feel like fighting anymore. Sometimes, I just want to know why God won't just take it away. I am dying to serve Him. I am dying to live my life for Him. I want to go on my outreach phase and be able to serve with all my heart, my soul, and my strength, but it baffles me how I can do that when I am so consumed with the pain I feel. And everyone hears this and thinks they have the answer. They think they have the key to making me feel better. They think I have to choose to get up and go and live life, but I am! I am here at YWAM. I am living. I may not always be happy, but I have joy. Days get hard, but I am still choosing to live.
I don't say any of this to get a pity party or to make people see how holy and righteous I am. I say this because in my heart this is how I feel, and knowing that will help people understand the next thing I am going to say SO MUCH MORE. And by knowing that, it will bring so much more glory to what God is about to do.
So on Sunday of this week, I hit that wall again. I just barely could talk. I was so angry at God and so numb to the world. My heart was breaking because I began to lose hope. It seemed like no matter where I went, this always eventually happened again. This physical tired took over and the mental exhaustion with it. I began to literally lose hope; I did not have the will to keep fighting. My friends here helped me battle through the day. Praise Jesus for them. Then Monday came, and I felt the same. We had a worship service and I literally just had this image enter my mind of me falling before Jesus saying, "what more do you want from me? what else do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" It wasn't an angry question; it was pain. I could see myself falling down just weeping, begging for Him to tell me. It was an image of me that was not pride, but sincere regret for my mistakes and humiliation for the things I had chosen over Him, but also frustration at not knowing what to do to just be forgiven and free. I just want freedom. As the worship continued, I couldn't even sing the music. I was on the ground in tears just begging God to please save me. Please please save me. (literally)
The whole sermon that day was about surrendering it all, and the whole time, I was going back and forth between thinking: okay God what more do you want from me? What more do I have to surrender? What happens when you feel you have surrendered it all and you are left with brokenness?
That is when the above story comes into play. Later that night, I went to a get together with all the women in my program. We began to share, and I just opened up and told the truth. I told about my past, and I told about what I was currently going through. The women gathered around me and prayed healing over me. They encouraged me that I was no longer bound by my past sin, but I was new and that the reason for this pain is not because of my past sins. They told me that I was carrying too much and striving and that I needed to let go. They told me that Jesus was going to bring healing, and that all this pain I felt was an attack from the devil to hold me down. They spent 30-45 minutes just showering me with love, encouragement, and prayer. Jesus spoke words, wisdom, visions, and truth through all of them. It brought back hope.
Later that night, my dear friend pulled me aside. She told me that when she touched me during prayer she got this picture of Simba (in the Lion King) roaring. He just over and over roaring. She said she could see that God was showing her that I was Simba, and that God was teaching me how to roar. She said that she knew what she was about to say may not be what I wanted to hear and that I needed to pray about it, but that she felt the Lord saying he was not going to heal me...yet. She said she felt like He was saying that He could heal me, but what would bring Him more glory is to resurrect me. As soon as she said it, I knew it was true.
I think I have known for awhile that is why I have not been healed, but for someone to say it to me made it more clear. I mean this life is not about me; it is about Him. It is about bringing glory to Him, and as much as I long to be healed and long for life and abundant life, I ultimately long for my life to be used to bring Him glory and to bring others to Him. I know that He will give me abundant life because He has promised it, but because I have given my life to Him and because my heart aches to bring people closer to the love I know in Him, I have given myself over to be used to bring Him glory. I have the ideas in my mind of how I should be healed or when, but God has better ones, and He knows the way to heal me that will bring me life and Him glory. It is His way that will ultimately bring the most satisfaction to my soul.
By changing my perspective to this, it has given me hope to endure the trials. To live beyond my circumstances. And though at times I feel hopeless and pain, it is by remembering who Jesus is and my love for Him that I endure. He provides what I need to survive each time I began to lose hope...just like he provided the friends on Sunday and that gathering to open up at last night.
Anyhow, I knew in my heart that Anna Grace was right when she spoke that to me. I could feel it in my spirit and I think the Lord had been preparing me for that. I know that He has brought me to this place to heal me and I know it is coming soon and that when it comes I will never ever be the same. I cannot wait for it. Though I don't understand, I am truly learning what it means to lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths. I don't understand, but I hope, I believe, and I have faith!
Today the sermon was all about having faith in action which means having a spirit that says "I won't quit!" It talked about pushing through and holding on through faith. WOW, how encouraging. The Lord provided exactly what I needed. Though, the pain remains and I still don't understand, the Lord provided what I needed. He is giving me the strength to endure until He resurrects me. WHAT AN AWESOME DAY THAT IS GOING TO BE!
Now the COOL PART...
So during the worship, Anna Grace got another vision of me...
it was a volcano. She said that through the vision of the volcano, the Lord showed her that the devil was trying to kill me on the inside. He was trying to put everything he could on me to stop me, but the Lord showed her that what the devil was using to try to kill me, the Lord was using to make me stronger, and that soon I was going to erupt. And that when I erupt it is going to be cover so many people. He should her that right now He was building strength in me, and that healing was about to come.
As I prayed on that my excitement grew and grew and grew. Ahh, the Lord just spoke so much hope into me. Telling me that I was going to erupt and that I was going to be NEW, FREE, AND HEALED. Ahhhh! And the healing that I am going to receive is going to bring Him glory. He will be glorified through my pain. Just like God was glorified through Jesus' pain, and just like Jesus is glorified anytime we are persecuted for His name. HOW COOL! The Lord put so much strength and hope into me today and gave me the strength and courage to cry out to the devil that he can pour all the ashes on me that he wants. he can bring it on, because the Lord turns beauty into ashes. The more ashes the devil pours on me, the more beauty the Lord will create.
BEAUTY FOR ASHES!
Gosh, I long to know this God more and more, and I know it is coming..It is coming, AND I cannot wait!
I say all this because I believe more than writing the awesome lessons I am learning, that this is the real way to show people Jesus. That through my personal struggle, people will be able to relate and be encouraged and find the strength to cry out to Jesus because He will do this in each and every one of our lives. He longs to love his children. He longs to use His children. This is not about me. This is about how good God is. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. He is so good. And He longs to do miracles in each of our lives. I am no more special than anyone else reading this. I long to be used by Him and I long to know Him and be madly in love with Him and let that love change me. That is what he requires. A willing spirit and an obedient, hungry heart. Those who are thirsty will be filled, and those who are hungry will be fed. ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO YOU IF YOU SEEK IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART.
Are you ready to get your world rocked?!?!?!?!?!?
"You overwhelm and satisfy my soul.
I will never ever have to be afraid.
You remain.
Your love never fails.
It never gives up on me."
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Let them roar...
Before I share my heart and my personal battle, I want to just talk about some awesome things that excite me and ask you all to join in with me.
We have been given outreach locations to do our two months of mission work. I would really love for anyone who is reading this to pray over these locations and see what the Lord lays on your heart for me. Please don't tell me anything if you do not feel it has been laid on your heart by the Lord. Though I appreciate your opinions, I want words from the Lord.
Macau, China.
French Polynesia (Tahiti)
Ghana, Africa
Mozambique, Africa
If you get any vision, word, dream, revelation, prophesy, or anything from the Lord regarding one of these places or my time during my outreach will look like or even just a random word that you don't understand please please please share with me. I think it could be really cool to see what the Lord will do with this. And don't feel pressure...I am asking for prayer because I want to see the Lord work, but ultimately He will lead me personally where I need to be.
----
Today our class was on intercession. I LOVED IT. You know, I never knew I had a heart for intercession prayer until today, and then it hit me, and not I cannot wait to continue in it.
Intercession (prayer) is different than normal praying in that, prayer is meant to be an intimate time with the Lord. It is personal, but intercession is praying on behalf of someone or something or someplace else. Its praying for the Kingdom outside of yourself. You are allowing yourself to be the gap aka bridge--between God and the one being prayed over. It is a prayer that requests a power to breakthrough for that person/place/thing. Now, that does not mean it will necessarily come to pass...God can answer your prayers, but ultimately the person has a choice whether or not to accept it. That's why it's love ya know? (shout out to Abigail Scheid right there hehe)
Anywho, today as we went over intercession, I realized how much I have a heart for it. I think everyone does, but it looks different in different people's lives. Like for me, I LOVE to get up in the dark of the morning and walk and pray. I like the stillness, the solitude, the active moment in the complete darkness. I like being able to walk around and talk out loud and let my mind wander as I cry out to the Lord for others. When I pray for myself I like a pen and paper. It helps me organize my jumbled thoughts, but when I pray for others, I love walking and talking. I have even begun to realize that it is more refreshing to my soul to get up at 3 in the morning and talk and pray with the Lord then it is for me to sleep. Crazy right?!? But I love it...literally. I crave it. I have more energy on days that I spend walking and praying with the Lord.
I have also learned that I have a relational heart. When I intercede, I don't like to pray for a place I feel no connection to; I like to pray for somewhere where I know people, where I can feel the hurt. I am business minded, yes, but people oriented--make sense? I think a lot of people probably really feel that way--its hard to pray for something you have no connection to, but anyway...I have really been asking God to give me the heart of Jesus. Give me the heart that breaks with empathy, compassion, and love for others and what they are going through. To give me spiritual eyes that allow me to understand the pain behind the story rather than the actions that are taking center stage.
I am realizing that I have a heart for Bristol. Oh, how my heart breaks for the pain I see in people in Bristol. My heart cries out for Bristol.
This leads me to the next thing I am learning>>>
I have a heart for CHANGE. I don't know exactly what that means in my life, but I do know that I have a heart that aches to bring CHANGE AND JUSTICE. As I have been reading verses, I have begun to write down words that pop in my mind. Words that resonate somewhere deep in my soul:
PIONEER. JUSTICE. CHANGE. FREEDOM. CHAINS. BLIND. BOLD. GENTLE. COURAGE. ACHE. LONGING. ZEAL. PASSION. DESIRE. PRESENCE. AUTHORITY. POWER. TREMBLING.
It reminds me of a storm. Oh, how I love storms. Something about them. They are so powerful yet refreshing, and that moment before the storm hits and all becomes completely still...THEN BOOM. Ahh, I just love it. It actually genuinely excites me just talking about it. Weird, huh?
I don't know what all these words mean or even why I like storms, but I know that they mean something. The Lord will provide the answers when they need to be revealed. BUT...cool story REAL QUICKLY.
One night when I was asleep here, the Lord woke me up just in time to hear one of my roommates yell "HIS VOICE IS LIGHTNING!" She yelled it in her sleep and has no recollection of it, but when I heard her scream it in the middle of the night, I did not know why, but I did know that it was meant for me. For whatever reason, the Lord wanted to tell me that phrase through her, but I have no idea why. I am pumped to find out though :)
I ask that you all would be covering my sleep with prayer. I have been having tons of dreams, but I keep waking up and they keep being snatched away. I know for some people that is normal, but for me...it's NOT. I remember my dreams, and usually I get a lot of revelation through them, so if you could be praying protection over me as I sleep and remembrance that would be AWESOME.
------
Now, for the incredibly personal battle....
Today has been....WAR.
That is literally the best way I know to describe it. I woke up and did not know my own thoughts. The devil was roaring in my head all morning. He was attacking my thoughts.
You see, before coming to YWAM, the Lord spoke Hosea 2:14-20 to me:
We have been given outreach locations to do our two months of mission work. I would really love for anyone who is reading this to pray over these locations and see what the Lord lays on your heart for me. Please don't tell me anything if you do not feel it has been laid on your heart by the Lord. Though I appreciate your opinions, I want words from the Lord.
Macau, China.
French Polynesia (Tahiti)
Ghana, Africa
Mozambique, Africa
If you get any vision, word, dream, revelation, prophesy, or anything from the Lord regarding one of these places or my time during my outreach will look like or even just a random word that you don't understand please please please share with me. I think it could be really cool to see what the Lord will do with this. And don't feel pressure...I am asking for prayer because I want to see the Lord work, but ultimately He will lead me personally where I need to be.
----
Today our class was on intercession. I LOVED IT. You know, I never knew I had a heart for intercession prayer until today, and then it hit me, and not I cannot wait to continue in it.
Intercession (prayer) is different than normal praying in that, prayer is meant to be an intimate time with the Lord. It is personal, but intercession is praying on behalf of someone or something or someplace else. Its praying for the Kingdom outside of yourself. You are allowing yourself to be the gap aka bridge--between God and the one being prayed over. It is a prayer that requests a power to breakthrough for that person/place/thing. Now, that does not mean it will necessarily come to pass...God can answer your prayers, but ultimately the person has a choice whether or not to accept it. That's why it's love ya know? (shout out to Abigail Scheid right there hehe)
Anywho, today as we went over intercession, I realized how much I have a heart for it. I think everyone does, but it looks different in different people's lives. Like for me, I LOVE to get up in the dark of the morning and walk and pray. I like the stillness, the solitude, the active moment in the complete darkness. I like being able to walk around and talk out loud and let my mind wander as I cry out to the Lord for others. When I pray for myself I like a pen and paper. It helps me organize my jumbled thoughts, but when I pray for others, I love walking and talking. I have even begun to realize that it is more refreshing to my soul to get up at 3 in the morning and talk and pray with the Lord then it is for me to sleep. Crazy right?!? But I love it...literally. I crave it. I have more energy on days that I spend walking and praying with the Lord.
I have also learned that I have a relational heart. When I intercede, I don't like to pray for a place I feel no connection to; I like to pray for somewhere where I know people, where I can feel the hurt. I am business minded, yes, but people oriented--make sense? I think a lot of people probably really feel that way--its hard to pray for something you have no connection to, but anyway...I have really been asking God to give me the heart of Jesus. Give me the heart that breaks with empathy, compassion, and love for others and what they are going through. To give me spiritual eyes that allow me to understand the pain behind the story rather than the actions that are taking center stage.
I am realizing that I have a heart for Bristol. Oh, how my heart breaks for the pain I see in people in Bristol. My heart cries out for Bristol.
This leads me to the next thing I am learning>>>
I have a heart for CHANGE. I don't know exactly what that means in my life, but I do know that I have a heart that aches to bring CHANGE AND JUSTICE. As I have been reading verses, I have begun to write down words that pop in my mind. Words that resonate somewhere deep in my soul:
PIONEER. JUSTICE. CHANGE. FREEDOM. CHAINS. BLIND. BOLD. GENTLE. COURAGE. ACHE. LONGING. ZEAL. PASSION. DESIRE. PRESENCE. AUTHORITY. POWER. TREMBLING.
It reminds me of a storm. Oh, how I love storms. Something about them. They are so powerful yet refreshing, and that moment before the storm hits and all becomes completely still...THEN BOOM. Ahh, I just love it. It actually genuinely excites me just talking about it. Weird, huh?
I don't know what all these words mean or even why I like storms, but I know that they mean something. The Lord will provide the answers when they need to be revealed. BUT...cool story REAL QUICKLY.
One night when I was asleep here, the Lord woke me up just in time to hear one of my roommates yell "HIS VOICE IS LIGHTNING!" She yelled it in her sleep and has no recollection of it, but when I heard her scream it in the middle of the night, I did not know why, but I did know that it was meant for me. For whatever reason, the Lord wanted to tell me that phrase through her, but I have no idea why. I am pumped to find out though :)
I ask that you all would be covering my sleep with prayer. I have been having tons of dreams, but I keep waking up and they keep being snatched away. I know for some people that is normal, but for me...it's NOT. I remember my dreams, and usually I get a lot of revelation through them, so if you could be praying protection over me as I sleep and remembrance that would be AWESOME.
------
Now, for the incredibly personal battle....
Today has been....WAR.
That is literally the best way I know to describe it. I woke up and did not know my own thoughts. The devil was roaring in my head all morning. He was attacking my thoughts.
You see, before coming to YWAM, the Lord spoke Hosea 2:14-20 to me:
Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[a] a door of hope.
There she will respond[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor[a] a door of hope.
There she will respond[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[c]’
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in[d] righteousness and justice,
in[e] love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in[f] faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.[c]’
17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.
18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in[d] righteousness and justice,
in[e] love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in[f] faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
He has called me to this place to remove the idol that has taken his place for so long>>>>beauty. And though I have been battling this for the past year, the Lord is now teaching me that the key to triumph is Him. It is not about figuring out what a balanced workout is or what a balanced diet is, but it is about setting my eyes on Jesus and as I fall in love with Him, beauty will become about my beauty in Him. "Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." (Psalm 34:5)
Though I know this truth, today was just hard. It's one of those times when you know the answer, but it was just....painful. Literal pain. I keep getting this vision of me walking into a room and Jesus is there. The second I see him, I just fall on my knees and cry out, "I am so sorry. so so so sorry. I am so sorry that I chose this over you. I am sorry..." Just imagining it, I can feel the pain. It's more than a frustration...it is heartbreak. I don't want to constantly think about my body and what I will eat or how I can make myself look better. I don't want my mood to be based on the way I feel in my clothes. I don't want to be a slave to my body. I want FREEDOM. I long for freedom. I was not made to be in chains. I was made to abide in His love, and for the first time in a long time, I can feel the chains and I WANT OUT. But the process is hard. I can feel myself falling more and more into Christ. I long for Him. Ache for Him. Crave Him. He is becoming so real and personal, but at the same time, I can feel my heart being ripped to pieces. I am letting go of a part of me---so it's like simultaneously I am dying yet gaining life. It makes no sense and yet at the same time, it makes perfect sense.
Side note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Dg5JXE7FLk
So today was fleshing out of the spiritual battle that is taking place. It was like a war inside my head. THE LION WAS ROARING, but something I have learned is that when the lion roars...LET HIM. The teeth of the great lion are broken. ARE BROKEN, not will be but ARE. I am learning that the key is not to try and fight it or to avoid it, but literally just "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." (Psalm 46:10)
Thus, that is what my morning looked like. Lions roaring in my head and me just getting still and saying, "Go ahead and roar... I hear you but I will NOT respond to you."
I guess the point is that the key to victory is not what you can do to fix it or what you can do to silence it, but it is acknowledgement of your frailty in the flesh and your strength in the Lord. He is warrior---let Him fight for you. Let go and Let Love.
Daniel 10:18-19
"Again the one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. 19 “Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong.”
Beauty...
When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, “Speak, my lord, since you have given me strength.”
Job 4:10
The lions may roar and growl, but the teeth of the great lions are broken.
Exodus 15:3
The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name.
A woman who fears the Lord:
An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
(Proverbs 31:10-31 ESV)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
From the heart
So today I write completely out of my heart. I am not looking back at notes or replaying some key points in my mind from the teaching----this is completely what is flowing from my heart.
At the current moment I am struggling. Not in an earth shattering sort of way, but just a mental battle. I am really trying to redefine beauty in my mind. I am trying to teach myself that beauty comes from the Lord, not from the way my clothes fit or the size of my body, but some days it is really hard to understand and BELIEVE that. Right now is one of those moments. For the past 6 years I have eaten to stay skinny, and now here I am at 20 years old and am so clueless as to what it looks like to eat without the mindset of staying skinny, or to workout without the idea of manipulating and perfecting my body. WHAT IS HEALTHY, not skinny or image focused, just healthy? Such a simple question, but actually so hard. It's so hard to know how to forgive yourself. Every time I feel I mess up and get too caught up in image or going the complete opposite direction and becoming a glutton, I am consumed with guilt and condemnation. I am learning forgiving yourself is the hardest step. But this battle will be won ONE DAY AT A TIME, and I am confident that one day in the near future, the size of my body will not haunt me nor even cross my mind. Confidence in the Lord will be the only beauty that I seek. I will clothe myself in His righteousness, and thoughts of inadequacy because of the size of my body will not exist. There will be a day, and it is coming. SOON. I am walking in the revelation of the freedom the Lord has given me. The grave has already been conquered.
Though at the moment I am really struggling with beauty and letting go of allowing it to rule my mind, my heart is beginning to really fall in love. like truly fall in love. I have known Jesus my whole life and been raised in the church and by parents who devoted their life to serving the Lord, and a year and a half ago I begin to really follow Him and began to really KNOW HIM, but wow....
I am falling in love. I am finally meeting Jesus--the man Jesus. Not the religion or the rules or even the "faith." I am meeting HIM---the person. The man who died on the cross in order to write the ultimate love story for me. The man who calls me HIS BRIDE. Ahhh, I don't even know how to express what this feels like....
It's like when you are talking about that significant other that you are dating or like or whatever your relationship and as you explain that person, you can feel your heart falling in love with them. It's like your heart is reminded of how good that person is and how much you long for them and how much they mean to you....THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
My heart literally LONGS for Him. LONGS. We have this place here on campus at YWAM called the prayer room. It's a 24/7 room where there is worship and prayer. I have started to spend around 2-4 hours a day there at the least, and OH MY GOSH...My heart literally craves that place. I wake up in the morning and cannot wait to get there. I just long to go there and spend time with Him. Journaling. Reading the Word. Singing. Listening. Napping. Anything. Everything. Just time to be with Him. I crave it. It's like I have finally found something that satisfies and I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Finally, my heart, my soul, my everything feels quenched. Finally, there is something that is enough. Oh how He is so enough---more than enough. It's not even about what He shows me or tells me or being in prayer or worship, its just about being with Him. HE IS SO REAL. He is so so so so so so so so so real. and so alive and so present. HE IS SO PRESENT. I don't even know how to explain how real He is. I wish I could make everyone feel what I feel right now.
Something else I have been learning is that God is a God who cares about what we want. I could go on and on and on about what exactly this means but really its pretty simple. God is a god who cares. If He wanted us to be the same, why would He make us different? Our heart's desires mean something. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES IN YOUR HEART. Yes, there is a fleshly desire for sure, but if your heart is delighting in Him, then He controls the heart. HE IS OUR HEART. God is not a god who is out to get us and make us do everything we hate. He cares about us. I mean He is our dad....He created us. He knows us. He knows what will satisfy. He wants us to find JOY IN HIM. I have had the hardest time understanding that God would actually give me everything I want, but I am starting to see....SOMETIMES HE DOES. When it will bring Him glory, He gives us everything we could possibly desire. He cares. He is our Abba....our Papa. He loves us. Love can look different at different times. But we can trust in His love. He is the definition of love.
Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him. He shall direct thy paths....
the path that leads to WATERS THAT NEVER FAIL.
Come away...come abide in His love. IT SATISFIES.
Those who thirst will be quenched and those who hunger will be fed.
This is what I desire, that they may be with me where I am.....Oh, how he longs to be with us. He wants to be with us....before He wants to lead us or use us, He longs to LOVE US.
Can you think of anything better than a love that longs for nothing more than JUST WHO WE ARE?
I can't. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.
At the current moment I am struggling. Not in an earth shattering sort of way, but just a mental battle. I am really trying to redefine beauty in my mind. I am trying to teach myself that beauty comes from the Lord, not from the way my clothes fit or the size of my body, but some days it is really hard to understand and BELIEVE that. Right now is one of those moments. For the past 6 years I have eaten to stay skinny, and now here I am at 20 years old and am so clueless as to what it looks like to eat without the mindset of staying skinny, or to workout without the idea of manipulating and perfecting my body. WHAT IS HEALTHY, not skinny or image focused, just healthy? Such a simple question, but actually so hard. It's so hard to know how to forgive yourself. Every time I feel I mess up and get too caught up in image or going the complete opposite direction and becoming a glutton, I am consumed with guilt and condemnation. I am learning forgiving yourself is the hardest step. But this battle will be won ONE DAY AT A TIME, and I am confident that one day in the near future, the size of my body will not haunt me nor even cross my mind. Confidence in the Lord will be the only beauty that I seek. I will clothe myself in His righteousness, and thoughts of inadequacy because of the size of my body will not exist. There will be a day, and it is coming. SOON. I am walking in the revelation of the freedom the Lord has given me. The grave has already been conquered.
Though at the moment I am really struggling with beauty and letting go of allowing it to rule my mind, my heart is beginning to really fall in love. like truly fall in love. I have known Jesus my whole life and been raised in the church and by parents who devoted their life to serving the Lord, and a year and a half ago I begin to really follow Him and began to really KNOW HIM, but wow....
I am falling in love. I am finally meeting Jesus--the man Jesus. Not the religion or the rules or even the "faith." I am meeting HIM---the person. The man who died on the cross in order to write the ultimate love story for me. The man who calls me HIS BRIDE. Ahhh, I don't even know how to express what this feels like....
It's like when you are talking about that significant other that you are dating or like or whatever your relationship and as you explain that person, you can feel your heart falling in love with them. It's like your heart is reminded of how good that person is and how much you long for them and how much they mean to you....THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
My heart literally LONGS for Him. LONGS. We have this place here on campus at YWAM called the prayer room. It's a 24/7 room where there is worship and prayer. I have started to spend around 2-4 hours a day there at the least, and OH MY GOSH...My heart literally craves that place. I wake up in the morning and cannot wait to get there. I just long to go there and spend time with Him. Journaling. Reading the Word. Singing. Listening. Napping. Anything. Everything. Just time to be with Him. I crave it. It's like I have finally found something that satisfies and I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Finally, my heart, my soul, my everything feels quenched. Finally, there is something that is enough. Oh how He is so enough---more than enough. It's not even about what He shows me or tells me or being in prayer or worship, its just about being with Him. HE IS SO REAL. He is so so so so so so so so so real. and so alive and so present. HE IS SO PRESENT. I don't even know how to explain how real He is. I wish I could make everyone feel what I feel right now.
Something else I have been learning is that God is a God who cares about what we want. I could go on and on and on about what exactly this means but really its pretty simple. God is a god who cares. If He wanted us to be the same, why would He make us different? Our heart's desires mean something. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES IN YOUR HEART. Yes, there is a fleshly desire for sure, but if your heart is delighting in Him, then He controls the heart. HE IS OUR HEART. God is not a god who is out to get us and make us do everything we hate. He cares about us. I mean He is our dad....He created us. He knows us. He knows what will satisfy. He wants us to find JOY IN HIM. I have had the hardest time understanding that God would actually give me everything I want, but I am starting to see....SOMETIMES HE DOES. When it will bring Him glory, He gives us everything we could possibly desire. He cares. He is our Abba....our Papa. He loves us. Love can look different at different times. But we can trust in His love. He is the definition of love.
Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him. He shall direct thy paths....
the path that leads to WATERS THAT NEVER FAIL.
Come away...come abide in His love. IT SATISFIES.
Those who thirst will be quenched and those who hunger will be fed.
This is what I desire, that they may be with me where I am.....Oh, how he longs to be with us. He wants to be with us....before He wants to lead us or use us, He longs to LOVE US.
Can you think of anything better than a love that longs for nothing more than JUST WHO WE ARE?
I can't. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I want to be lost in You...
Yet another day of my world being rocked has occurred.
So after yesterday I was really just feeling so broken. I woke up today unsure of what this day was going to look like.
But Oh how the Lord is SO good. Get ready...
----------
Our speaker came in today and immediately I just prayed a prayer that whatever she spoke would go through the filter of Jesus before reaching me....that is just what happened.
As Donna Jordan spoke within the first 10 minutes it just hit me....
SEEK ME. I have been so scared that I was going to wake up one day and realize I am not in love with the Lord. When I was in high school I had no idea how lost I was, so I have been fearing that I am going to all of the sudden realize I am not in love. I have this fear that the passion I have right now is going to fade. I have this fear that I am going to get numb. I have this fear that if the Lord calls me to be anything besides a missionary as my career then I will fall out of love and become numb and I will be a complacent lukewarm Christian. I have this DEEP DEEP DEEP desire for visions, revelation, dreams, miracles, stories, passion, and zeal, and I have been battling internally that if I don't go out be a nomad missionary then I won't have these things. I have been fearing the idea that if the Lord calls me into the business world then I will become watered down. But then that thought came-- SEEK ME.
All of the sudden it made sense. My reward is Him. Jesus is who I am called to seek. Not His plan, His calling, His visions, His dreams, His plan.....JUST HIM. I forgot my first love. I got so caught up in wanting to serve Him, I forgot to love Him. I forgot to let Him love me and that as He loves me His love overflows and that will serve Him. His love flowing through me is service. The dreams, visions, miracles, stories, adventure, passion will be added to me. But FIRST AND FOREMOST is Jesus....the man Jesus. HE IS MY REWARD.
Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."
Then another revelation came. It actually came earlier this week but was affirmed today again...
I thought I was brought here to find out what my heart beats, breaks, aches, and burns for--like what my heart was made to break for and I know what it is...
My heart BURNS, BEATS, BREAKS, ACHES for Jesus.
-----------
The next revelation:
In my exhaustion yesterday, I cried out to the Lord and just asked if I do absolutely nothing for Him, if all I do is go back to Bristol and just live life, is it enough? If I don't perform, if I don't go on some great adventure, am I enough? Is just me enough? Apart from all I do, is just me okay?
Then today, Donna Jordan (our speaker) said I want you to ask God what pleases Him and then I want you to close your eyes and listen to what he says... this was His answer:
"You. Just you. Only you. Not what you do or how you look. You are beautiful. Believe what I say. I will show you. Soon.
Yes, you are enough. You are enough. If just sit on a couch you are enough.
The reason you can't see yourself clearly in the visions is because you don't want to see yourself.
You are too busy looking at others to see yourself."
This is going to get a little bit personal for a sec now...
For years and years and years I have been chasing after beauty. Beauty has been my God. My idol. My love. I have been trying to balance seeking beauty and seeking the Lord. About a year ago I finally stopped chasing beauty but since then I have just been angry at God for the beauty I have not felt in so long. It's like in Matthew:
Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other or he will be devoted to one and despise the other
The past year has looked about like that..a seesaw between God and beauty.
BUT tonight I went to the prayer room and just cried out to the Lord. With the encouragement of a friend here, I found the strength to cry out to Jesus, to fix my eyes on Him, and to make war on this battle to find TRUE BEAUTY.
This is the revelation the Lord brought me:
This time is different because you're ready to trust me. Now, trust me each day. ONE DAY AT A TIME WE will fight this.
The next thing was he gave me a picture of an old vision that someone had spoken over me. The woman had seen a bird in a bird cage. The bird was playing with a toy and was fixated on the toy. The bird loved the toy. But then if you zoom out, the cage door is open. The woman said Grace, you are free. Tonight that vision came back only a new though struck me with it.
When I was younger I had a few pet birds. The toy I always bought my birds was a mirror. I always bought a mirror for them because that was their favorite. The birds would fixate on it. They loved it. One of my birds loved it so much that it killed the bird....aka the bird ate the plastic and mirror around the mirror and choked.
The point is: that bird is me. The mirror is the toy I have been fixating on. I have let the mirror define my beauty. BUT I AM FREE. The cage is open. I AM FREE.
Now does that mean this won't be hard...UM, NO. This will be hard. But each day I walk wake up and triumph WITH THE LORD. He has told me to ENDURE PATIENTLY.
He gave me a picture of gates opening and a flood releasing. The water represented life and the it was filling the path. THE WATER OF LIFE HAS COME TO FILL THE DRY PATH---TO BREATHE LIFE INTO THESE DRY BONES.
And the coolest part...He is the Reward. Beauty is not the reward. Jesus is. He is my great reward.
He has come to shut the door:
Revelation 3:7-8
What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deed. See, I have placed before you an open door that no once can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my Word and have not denied my name.
The Lord has been waiting to see if I would choose Him even if it went against the desire of my flesh, and now he has come to rescue me. He knows I am exhausted. He knows I have no fight left, but The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name.
It's time to make war....
But I will be in the quiet place....I will have my eyes fixed on Him. I will not look to the battle or the enemy...
My eyes are set on Him. I wear the ring. I do. Yes, yes I do.
So after yesterday I was really just feeling so broken. I woke up today unsure of what this day was going to look like.
But Oh how the Lord is SO good. Get ready...
----------
Our speaker came in today and immediately I just prayed a prayer that whatever she spoke would go through the filter of Jesus before reaching me....that is just what happened.
As Donna Jordan spoke within the first 10 minutes it just hit me....
SEEK ME. I have been so scared that I was going to wake up one day and realize I am not in love with the Lord. When I was in high school I had no idea how lost I was, so I have been fearing that I am going to all of the sudden realize I am not in love. I have this fear that the passion I have right now is going to fade. I have this fear that I am going to get numb. I have this fear that if the Lord calls me to be anything besides a missionary as my career then I will fall out of love and become numb and I will be a complacent lukewarm Christian. I have this DEEP DEEP DEEP desire for visions, revelation, dreams, miracles, stories, passion, and zeal, and I have been battling internally that if I don't go out be a nomad missionary then I won't have these things. I have been fearing the idea that if the Lord calls me into the business world then I will become watered down. But then that thought came-- SEEK ME.
All of the sudden it made sense. My reward is Him. Jesus is who I am called to seek. Not His plan, His calling, His visions, His dreams, His plan.....JUST HIM. I forgot my first love. I got so caught up in wanting to serve Him, I forgot to love Him. I forgot to let Him love me and that as He loves me His love overflows and that will serve Him. His love flowing through me is service. The dreams, visions, miracles, stories, adventure, passion will be added to me. But FIRST AND FOREMOST is Jesus....the man Jesus. HE IS MY REWARD.
Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."
Then another revelation came. It actually came earlier this week but was affirmed today again...
I thought I was brought here to find out what my heart beats, breaks, aches, and burns for--like what my heart was made to break for and I know what it is...
My heart BURNS, BEATS, BREAKS, ACHES for Jesus.
-----------
The next revelation:
In my exhaustion yesterday, I cried out to the Lord and just asked if I do absolutely nothing for Him, if all I do is go back to Bristol and just live life, is it enough? If I don't perform, if I don't go on some great adventure, am I enough? Is just me enough? Apart from all I do, is just me okay?
Then today, Donna Jordan (our speaker) said I want you to ask God what pleases Him and then I want you to close your eyes and listen to what he says... this was His answer:
"You. Just you. Only you. Not what you do or how you look. You are beautiful. Believe what I say. I will show you. Soon.
Yes, you are enough. You are enough. If just sit on a couch you are enough.
The reason you can't see yourself clearly in the visions is because you don't want to see yourself.
You are too busy looking at others to see yourself."
This is going to get a little bit personal for a sec now...
For years and years and years I have been chasing after beauty. Beauty has been my God. My idol. My love. I have been trying to balance seeking beauty and seeking the Lord. About a year ago I finally stopped chasing beauty but since then I have just been angry at God for the beauty I have not felt in so long. It's like in Matthew:
Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other or he will be devoted to one and despise the other
The past year has looked about like that..a seesaw between God and beauty.
BUT tonight I went to the prayer room and just cried out to the Lord. With the encouragement of a friend here, I found the strength to cry out to Jesus, to fix my eyes on Him, and to make war on this battle to find TRUE BEAUTY.
This is the revelation the Lord brought me:
This time is different because you're ready to trust me. Now, trust me each day. ONE DAY AT A TIME WE will fight this.
The next thing was he gave me a picture of an old vision that someone had spoken over me. The woman had seen a bird in a bird cage. The bird was playing with a toy and was fixated on the toy. The bird loved the toy. But then if you zoom out, the cage door is open. The woman said Grace, you are free. Tonight that vision came back only a new though struck me with it.
When I was younger I had a few pet birds. The toy I always bought my birds was a mirror. I always bought a mirror for them because that was their favorite. The birds would fixate on it. They loved it. One of my birds loved it so much that it killed the bird....aka the bird ate the plastic and mirror around the mirror and choked.
The point is: that bird is me. The mirror is the toy I have been fixating on. I have let the mirror define my beauty. BUT I AM FREE. The cage is open. I AM FREE.
Now does that mean this won't be hard...UM, NO. This will be hard. But each day I walk wake up and triumph WITH THE LORD. He has told me to ENDURE PATIENTLY.
He gave me a picture of gates opening and a flood releasing. The water represented life and the it was filling the path. THE WATER OF LIFE HAS COME TO FILL THE DRY PATH---TO BREATHE LIFE INTO THESE DRY BONES.
And the coolest part...He is the Reward. Beauty is not the reward. Jesus is. He is my great reward.
He has come to shut the door:
Revelation 3:7-8
What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deed. See, I have placed before you an open door that no once can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my Word and have not denied my name.
The Lord has been waiting to see if I would choose Him even if it went against the desire of my flesh, and now he has come to rescue me. He knows I am exhausted. He knows I have no fight left, but The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name.
It's time to make war....
But I will be in the quiet place....I will have my eyes fixed on Him. I will not look to the battle or the enemy...
My eyes are set on Him. I wear the ring. I do. Yes, yes I do.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Day One
Alright, so today was my first day of class. WOW.
I am having a hard time even knowing how to process it all.
The woman who came to speak was Donna Jordan. The way she walks with the Lord is SO COOL. She literally was talking to Him while speaking with us. She was telling us about how He was laughing and He was there and He was telling her it was okay to say certain things. She was talking about how we are made to walk in communion with Him.
There was so much she said so I am going to just write down some key points I had while she spoke.
This is NOT a religion; this is seeing the Kingdom come. Religion has corrupted the Kingdom. God wants to lead the church--not man. We will have to battle the church at times.
Not wrong to seek the secular field persay, but it is all about where your heart is. SEEK HIM FIRST.
God looks at the heart-- He wants a true worshipper.
Joel & Acts talks about God raising up sons and daughters with visions and dreams and prophecy-->look at our generation. WE ARE A CREATIVE GENERATION. It is time to take back Hollywood.
This is the image she had of what God is doing right now: A Bride in Army boots. We are a bride preparing for out bridegroom, but we are also a general in his army.
Walking in humility can mean sharing--sharing your stories blesses others. It elevates the Holy Spirit and the ways in which He is working.
poem by C. Austin Miles:
I come to the garden alone. While the dew is still on roses And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses; And He walks with me and He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own, And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known.
Personally,
I am conflicted. I don't really know where to begin or what to feel. I feel like the Lord is ripping me apart from the inside out. It is the first day, and I am already so emotionally overwhelmed. It's like the Lord is breaking me into pieces and no one can fix the pain but Him. I think this time may be the Lord's time--His intimate time with me. I think he literally has called me to the desert so He can speak and ONLY Him. And as encouraging as that is, it is an extremely painful process. It feels so lonely...like I am surrounded by people but no one can understand the ache in my heart, no one can see the pieces falling to the ground. I am in the desert.
One really cool revelation did come to me today: the reason I am in the position I am in right now is because the Lord is creating a Bride who won't walk down the aisle looking at the people in pews wondering if there is someone better sitting there. He is creating in me a Bride who longs to run down the aisle to Him, and He longs to create a Bride in me that longs for my husband in that way too. He is not only creating the Bride for himself, but for the man I marry. I have spent so many years looking around, looking to see what looked good, and the Lord is creating a new heart in me that no longer desires to look for that man, but the Lord will bring Him. I will walk down the aisle with my eyes fixed on the man in front of me. My Husband. ( In a spiritual and physical sense).
I am having a hard time even knowing how to process it all.
The woman who came to speak was Donna Jordan. The way she walks with the Lord is SO COOL. She literally was talking to Him while speaking with us. She was telling us about how He was laughing and He was there and He was telling her it was okay to say certain things. She was talking about how we are made to walk in communion with Him.
There was so much she said so I am going to just write down some key points I had while she spoke.
This is NOT a religion; this is seeing the Kingdom come. Religion has corrupted the Kingdom. God wants to lead the church--not man. We will have to battle the church at times.
Not wrong to seek the secular field persay, but it is all about where your heart is. SEEK HIM FIRST.
God looks at the heart-- He wants a true worshipper.
Joel & Acts talks about God raising up sons and daughters with visions and dreams and prophecy-->look at our generation. WE ARE A CREATIVE GENERATION. It is time to take back Hollywood.
This is the image she had of what God is doing right now: A Bride in Army boots. We are a bride preparing for out bridegroom, but we are also a general in his army.
Walking in humility can mean sharing--sharing your stories blesses others. It elevates the Holy Spirit and the ways in which He is working.
poem by C. Austin Miles:
I come to the garden alone. While the dew is still on roses And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses; And He walks with me and He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own, And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known.
Personally,
I am conflicted. I don't really know where to begin or what to feel. I feel like the Lord is ripping me apart from the inside out. It is the first day, and I am already so emotionally overwhelmed. It's like the Lord is breaking me into pieces and no one can fix the pain but Him. I think this time may be the Lord's time--His intimate time with me. I think he literally has called me to the desert so He can speak and ONLY Him. And as encouraging as that is, it is an extremely painful process. It feels so lonely...like I am surrounded by people but no one can understand the ache in my heart, no one can see the pieces falling to the ground. I am in the desert.
One really cool revelation did come to me today: the reason I am in the position I am in right now is because the Lord is creating a Bride who won't walk down the aisle looking at the people in pews wondering if there is someone better sitting there. He is creating in me a Bride who longs to run down the aisle to Him, and He longs to create a Bride in me that longs for my husband in that way too. He is not only creating the Bride for himself, but for the man I marry. I have spent so many years looking around, looking to see what looked good, and the Lord is creating a new heart in me that no longer desires to look for that man, but the Lord will bring Him. I will walk down the aisle with my eyes fixed on the man in front of me. My Husband. ( In a spiritual and physical sense).
Sunday, January 8, 2012
This is real life...
Alright, so I am here now. It is a little bit surreal. Its hard to realize that I am in Hawaii. I've spent the last two days at the beach in the sun. I am sun burnt actually. But evenso its just really hard to grasp that I am here in Hawaii, 5 minutes from the ocean.
Yea, so I know after reading that it is impossible to imagine that I might possible by homesick...but I am. Not really for home, but just for comfort. Its hard to come to a new place and not have those deep connections that I left. Thus, its not really a homesick for home as much as its a homesick for depth in relationships. However, for me I know that the first few days are the hardest. After that, I am good to go.
Coming here and seeing so many people on fire for the Lord is so cool. Bonds are made much more easy because you have the common goal of the Lord. That might sound contradicting to what I just said but its really not. I think you can bond with a lot of people but not feel deeply connected. I long for more than bonds, however it is super cool to see so many people chasing after the Lord.
It's also been really hard, though. I dont know that the Lord has called me to be this nomad missionary so when I first got here there was a lot of working through whether I was turning my back to God if I was not completely giving up all of me and all my dreams and doing mission work in the sense of traveling to all the nations. I am starting to see how wrong that was, and what a lie the devil was feeding me. The devil has been trying to plant some many false ideas of what it means to be in love with the Lord and how it should look, but I am beginning to see that if the Lord wanted us all to look the same then he would not have made us different.
I am starting to see that no matter what I do or where I go, I have a mission field. Whether that means being in another country serving or back home in Bristol to my college campus. Everywhere I go there is an opportunity to get down on my hands and knees and wash the feet of the people around me. There is the opportunity to serve people, and most of all TO LOVE PEOPLE. From my friends to my family to my parents to the high school kids in the area to the homeless people to the everyday Christian man and woman.
I am not entirely sure why the Lord has brought me here, but I think it is going to look a lot different than I imagined. I thought the Lord drew me here to show me how to do mission work because I thought that to serve him I needed to give up conventionalism and become a devoted nomad missionary, but I think I was wrong.
I think the Lord brought me here to become deeply intimate with Him first and foremost.
I think He brought me here to fit the puzzle pieces together; to show me where my mission field is going to be for the next period of time in my life. I think He brought me here to show me what college degree I should seek that would best serve Him.
I think the lord brought me here to show me (honestly) the exact opposite environment (not people just environment) from Furman to show me that I long for a life that has pieces of both--YWAM and Furman.
I think the Lord brought me here to show me what my heart BURN, BEATS, and BREAKS for. Ahh, I cannot wait to find that out.
I really believe this is a time of healing, intimacy, freedom, passion, and revelation. This is my time with the Lord. Community is going to be awesome, but this is about intimacy. If you want to pray for me, please pray for those things, especially revelation and healing.
Love you all and miss everyone of you dearly.
Yea, so I know after reading that it is impossible to imagine that I might possible by homesick...but I am. Not really for home, but just for comfort. Its hard to come to a new place and not have those deep connections that I left. Thus, its not really a homesick for home as much as its a homesick for depth in relationships. However, for me I know that the first few days are the hardest. After that, I am good to go.
Coming here and seeing so many people on fire for the Lord is so cool. Bonds are made much more easy because you have the common goal of the Lord. That might sound contradicting to what I just said but its really not. I think you can bond with a lot of people but not feel deeply connected. I long for more than bonds, however it is super cool to see so many people chasing after the Lord.
It's also been really hard, though. I dont know that the Lord has called me to be this nomad missionary so when I first got here there was a lot of working through whether I was turning my back to God if I was not completely giving up all of me and all my dreams and doing mission work in the sense of traveling to all the nations. I am starting to see how wrong that was, and what a lie the devil was feeding me. The devil has been trying to plant some many false ideas of what it means to be in love with the Lord and how it should look, but I am beginning to see that if the Lord wanted us all to look the same then he would not have made us different.
I am starting to see that no matter what I do or where I go, I have a mission field. Whether that means being in another country serving or back home in Bristol to my college campus. Everywhere I go there is an opportunity to get down on my hands and knees and wash the feet of the people around me. There is the opportunity to serve people, and most of all TO LOVE PEOPLE. From my friends to my family to my parents to the high school kids in the area to the homeless people to the everyday Christian man and woman.
I am not entirely sure why the Lord has brought me here, but I think it is going to look a lot different than I imagined. I thought the Lord drew me here to show me how to do mission work because I thought that to serve him I needed to give up conventionalism and become a devoted nomad missionary, but I think I was wrong.
I think the Lord brought me here to become deeply intimate with Him first and foremost.
I think He brought me here to fit the puzzle pieces together; to show me where my mission field is going to be for the next period of time in my life. I think He brought me here to show me what college degree I should seek that would best serve Him.
I think the lord brought me here to show me (honestly) the exact opposite environment (not people just environment) from Furman to show me that I long for a life that has pieces of both--YWAM and Furman.
I think the Lord brought me here to show me what my heart BURN, BEATS, and BREAKS for. Ahh, I cannot wait to find that out.
I really believe this is a time of healing, intimacy, freedom, passion, and revelation. This is my time with the Lord. Community is going to be awesome, but this is about intimacy. If you want to pray for me, please pray for those things, especially revelation and healing.
Love you all and miss everyone of you dearly.
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