When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away.
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you til it goes away.
When the rain comes, I will hold you.
--Third Day
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Time to Stop Running...
Oh my goodness. Where do I begin? This week has been...an answer to prayers.
I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
1 Corinthians 2:10-11
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
Mucho Love
Sunday, February 12, 2012
When I have no words...
Underneath the cold November sky,
I'll wait for You.
As the pages of my life roll by,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate just to see Your face.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
Even if You take it all away,
I'll wait for You.
Even when the light begins to fade,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate, calling out Your name.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here.
I'm tired of running
And wrestling with these angels.
I lay down my life and
I surrender.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
-Ashes Remain "Without You"
I'll wait for You.
As the pages of my life roll by,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate just to see Your face.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
Even if You take it all away,
I'll wait for You.
Even when the light begins to fade,
I'll wait for You.
I'm so desperate, calling out Your name.
Meet me in this broken place.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here.
I'm tired of running
And wrestling with these angels.
I lay down my life and
I surrender.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
Hold me now.
I need to feel You.
Show me how
To make it new again.
There's no one I can run to,
And nothing I could ever do.
I'm nowhere if I'm here
Without You.
-Ashes Remain "Without You"
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The desert place
Well, what can I say except that I am in a desert. Sounds crazy, I know, but it is true. One would imagine that living in Hawaii for 3 months could not possibly be a desert...in the spiritual sense, but it actually is.
Don't get me wrong, it is so beautiful here. So beautiful. And the people here are wonderful. But the Lord has made it very clear that this is my desert place. This is the place He has allured me to, but the good news is that He lures you to the desert to speak tenderly (Hosea 2).
I literally feel like I am at the University of Georgia all over again. Every moment I need the Lord. I honestly cannot make it through a day without Him. I haven't felt this dependence since being at UGA. It's so good, yet so incredibly painful. I feel so raw and vulnerable--I am at that place where I can't help but let my broken heart show. I need him. Every single second. He is the only reason I could get out of bed today and the only thing sustaining through each moment.
Just this morning, I was crying out to Him begging Him to please just help me. Then He had two of my very best friends call me who just allowed me to pour out my heart. That refreshed my soul. How faithful is God. It is so good for me to see a God who cares about the small things. I know that is a huge reason I am here. Somewhere I forgot that God cares about me...not about what I do or about my ministry. He cares about just me.
That is honestly a revelation for me. I am so performance based that it is hard for me to accept God's love without working for it. I constantly mistake seeking God for striving after Him.
So I know that I have been saying that God has shown me that every reason I thought I was here for is actually not at all what I was brought here for...Well, He is doing it again.
Over the past two weeks, I just hit a wall. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I felt like was wrong with me. I felt like I had so much to fix, and that until I fixed all this, the Lord wouldn't bring healing. And as I began to try to fix it all, it become too much. I started to feel like the God I knew was a God who always wanted to make me better. I began to feel that everyone talks about this "good" God and I could see Him all around me but not actually in me. I started to hit a wall.
I began to become angry with God and ask when enough was enough. When was He going to be done stripping everything from me and finally just bring healing. When was He ever going to quit yanking everything I desire away. I was so angry.
I began to cry out in anger, and finally after that, in brokenness. I literally wrote to God asking if I just give up, if I just say I can't go on doing this anymore, will you still love me?? If I just say that I want to go back to Bristol and live there the rest of my life (not saying that is what I want), will I be enough?
You see, I am see performance based. I know we read over and over how we are saved by grace, but I have a hard time understanding that God's desire for me and gifts for me and love for me is NOT dependent on my actions. He is not looking for me to constantly be analyzing and figuring everything out. He wants me to trust Him. He just wants me. Not my ministry. Not my actions. In fact, He doesn't really need me. He is God. BUT He does desire me. He does long for me. Song of solomon 2:7.
Since crying out to God about that, He has poured out so much love and grace on me. He has just over and over affirmed that He just desires me. That He loves who I am. That I am His and He made me and He likes me. He has let me know that the desires in my heart are from Him. The things that make me come alive are His desires in me.
This is seriously a revelation for me.
I have spent much of the past two years afraid to be who I am. I was always afraid to live life and to be God made me because I live in so much fear of falling out of love with Him. I am scared that if I am not STRIVING towards Him, then somehow I will miss His calling on my life and I will become less than what He expected and come judgment day I will stand before Him so ashamed and He will be disappointed in me. I literally live in fear.
Even looking at my time at Furman. I see now that the reason I struggled so much was because I was so afraid that if I fit in then I was going to forget about God. I constantly was trying to strip myself of anything I desired because I figured that is what God wanted. By stripping away anything I love, I thought it would bring me closer to the Lord.
But God told me this week that I am believing a lie. I have been stripping myself rather than letting the Lord do the stripping in His perfect time. It says I am the vine and He is the vine grower. The vine cannot trim itself--the vine grower has to do that. So what am I doing?!?!
The Lord revealed to me that He allured me here so that He could finally get me to say, "I quit." Not in the sense that I give up on Him, but that I say okay, no more striving. I will sit back. I will trust you. I will stop performing. The Lord is asking me to stop performing. I keep living by rules that have already been broken, and I keep seeking a love that I have already been giving. I am already free. And the key to feeling that freedom is not constantly analyzing how to strive after it, but it is actually just abiding in his love. in his presence. It is letting go. it is listening to my heart. it is following MY HEART, not my fears. It is listening to my what my heart desires and seeking after that, and letting God strip as He does in his gentle yet perfect way. In His timing. I have been operating out of fear. So afraid of falling out of love with Him that I won't let myself be who I am.
I have literally been afraid of myself. I have been afraid to like school. To like being with my family. To like Tennessee. To like being involved in clubs or organizations. I have been afraid of myself. Of living. Of life.
But no more.
God is teaching me to let go. He is taking me through the desert so that I will stop trying to figure out what following Him looks like, and I will just follow Him. That I will just fall into His arms. I have a part of Jesus that no one else has. We all do. We all have this unique piece of Him that no one else holds. But I keep making myself try to walk as a true believer does, instead of just letting the side of Him that I know shine through.
I think about my mom. See, she knows this part of God that I so desire to know. My mom really understands that God is good. He is a good God who cares about her. He cares about her desires. She believes that and not only does she believe it, but she trusts in that. And she believes He delights in her. She knows that God is delighted in his precious daughter, his beloved, his bride. Oh, how I long to understand that in my heart. Not just my head, but my heart. I see now why me and my mom have had the year we have had. It is because I always think God is trying to discipline me and she understands that God isnt always trying to fix me, but He delights over me and loves me and He isnt always trying to make me better and go through suffering and pain. Not saying that, God doesn't ever strip things away, but I am saying He does the stripping. And He does it in His timing and in love. He does it tenderly. My mom understands that. But I am always trying to be one step ahead and strip myself before God can.
Oh how I was wrong about that. But God is so faithful. He brought me here to show me that He isn't a God who longs to fix me, but to love me. Before He wants to use me, He wants to love me. As He loves me, I will naturally serve Him because I will have his heart. But I am his first mission. He longs for me.
I am seeing more and more that what I really long for is just a love for Him. Forget the visions, dreams, miracles, big callings, and all the things. If all I have is gazing on His beauty for all my days, that is enough. If all I have is simple faith then okay. I will take it. I would rather have Him. And the best part is...He would rather have me. He would rather have me then my visions or my dreams or my performance or my actions. He just wants me. Just plain and simple me. Wow.
So that is where I am right now. I could definitely use your prayers. The desert is rough. really rough. I am in a lot of pain. I am extremely vulnerable and on the verge of tears about 24/7. Not that I am not happy to be here with the Lord, but I am losing a part of myself right now, and it's a little bit painful. I am dying in a sense. I am hopeful of how the Lord is going to change me. He already is. But I need prayers. These next two months I have given to the Lord. They are His. I see now more than ever that I am not really here for all the teachings, not that they won't help me, but I am really here because this is the tool the Lord used to take me to my desert. This is how He allured me.
Anyhow, please be covering me in prayer if I ever come to mind. I need strength. His strength. I need His love. So much of His love. It is the only thing that can free me from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I push myself way too hard and definitely am my hardest critic, but the Lord's love can free me from that. I believe in the power of His love.
Know that I am missing all of you more than you could ever imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. And don't be afraid to contact me.
Don't get me wrong, it is so beautiful here. So beautiful. And the people here are wonderful. But the Lord has made it very clear that this is my desert place. This is the place He has allured me to, but the good news is that He lures you to the desert to speak tenderly (Hosea 2).
I literally feel like I am at the University of Georgia all over again. Every moment I need the Lord. I honestly cannot make it through a day without Him. I haven't felt this dependence since being at UGA. It's so good, yet so incredibly painful. I feel so raw and vulnerable--I am at that place where I can't help but let my broken heart show. I need him. Every single second. He is the only reason I could get out of bed today and the only thing sustaining through each moment.
Just this morning, I was crying out to Him begging Him to please just help me. Then He had two of my very best friends call me who just allowed me to pour out my heart. That refreshed my soul. How faithful is God. It is so good for me to see a God who cares about the small things. I know that is a huge reason I am here. Somewhere I forgot that God cares about me...not about what I do or about my ministry. He cares about just me.
That is honestly a revelation for me. I am so performance based that it is hard for me to accept God's love without working for it. I constantly mistake seeking God for striving after Him.
So I know that I have been saying that God has shown me that every reason I thought I was here for is actually not at all what I was brought here for...Well, He is doing it again.
Over the past two weeks, I just hit a wall. I felt so overwhelmed with everything I felt like was wrong with me. I felt like I had so much to fix, and that until I fixed all this, the Lord wouldn't bring healing. And as I began to try to fix it all, it become too much. I started to feel like the God I knew was a God who always wanted to make me better. I began to feel that everyone talks about this "good" God and I could see Him all around me but not actually in me. I started to hit a wall.
I began to become angry with God and ask when enough was enough. When was He going to be done stripping everything from me and finally just bring healing. When was He ever going to quit yanking everything I desire away. I was so angry.
I began to cry out in anger, and finally after that, in brokenness. I literally wrote to God asking if I just give up, if I just say I can't go on doing this anymore, will you still love me?? If I just say that I want to go back to Bristol and live there the rest of my life (not saying that is what I want), will I be enough?
You see, I am see performance based. I know we read over and over how we are saved by grace, but I have a hard time understanding that God's desire for me and gifts for me and love for me is NOT dependent on my actions. He is not looking for me to constantly be analyzing and figuring everything out. He wants me to trust Him. He just wants me. Not my ministry. Not my actions. In fact, He doesn't really need me. He is God. BUT He does desire me. He does long for me. Song of solomon 2:7.
Since crying out to God about that, He has poured out so much love and grace on me. He has just over and over affirmed that He just desires me. That He loves who I am. That I am His and He made me and He likes me. He has let me know that the desires in my heart are from Him. The things that make me come alive are His desires in me.
This is seriously a revelation for me.
I have spent much of the past two years afraid to be who I am. I was always afraid to live life and to be God made me because I live in so much fear of falling out of love with Him. I am scared that if I am not STRIVING towards Him, then somehow I will miss His calling on my life and I will become less than what He expected and come judgment day I will stand before Him so ashamed and He will be disappointed in me. I literally live in fear.
Even looking at my time at Furman. I see now that the reason I struggled so much was because I was so afraid that if I fit in then I was going to forget about God. I constantly was trying to strip myself of anything I desired because I figured that is what God wanted. By stripping away anything I love, I thought it would bring me closer to the Lord.
But God told me this week that I am believing a lie. I have been stripping myself rather than letting the Lord do the stripping in His perfect time. It says I am the vine and He is the vine grower. The vine cannot trim itself--the vine grower has to do that. So what am I doing?!?!
The Lord revealed to me that He allured me here so that He could finally get me to say, "I quit." Not in the sense that I give up on Him, but that I say okay, no more striving. I will sit back. I will trust you. I will stop performing. The Lord is asking me to stop performing. I keep living by rules that have already been broken, and I keep seeking a love that I have already been giving. I am already free. And the key to feeling that freedom is not constantly analyzing how to strive after it, but it is actually just abiding in his love. in his presence. It is letting go. it is listening to my heart. it is following MY HEART, not my fears. It is listening to my what my heart desires and seeking after that, and letting God strip as He does in his gentle yet perfect way. In His timing. I have been operating out of fear. So afraid of falling out of love with Him that I won't let myself be who I am.
I have literally been afraid of myself. I have been afraid to like school. To like being with my family. To like Tennessee. To like being involved in clubs or organizations. I have been afraid of myself. Of living. Of life.
But no more.
God is teaching me to let go. He is taking me through the desert so that I will stop trying to figure out what following Him looks like, and I will just follow Him. That I will just fall into His arms. I have a part of Jesus that no one else has. We all do. We all have this unique piece of Him that no one else holds. But I keep making myself try to walk as a true believer does, instead of just letting the side of Him that I know shine through.
I think about my mom. See, she knows this part of God that I so desire to know. My mom really understands that God is good. He is a good God who cares about her. He cares about her desires. She believes that and not only does she believe it, but she trusts in that. And she believes He delights in her. She knows that God is delighted in his precious daughter, his beloved, his bride. Oh, how I long to understand that in my heart. Not just my head, but my heart. I see now why me and my mom have had the year we have had. It is because I always think God is trying to discipline me and she understands that God isnt always trying to fix me, but He delights over me and loves me and He isnt always trying to make me better and go through suffering and pain. Not saying that, God doesn't ever strip things away, but I am saying He does the stripping. And He does it in His timing and in love. He does it tenderly. My mom understands that. But I am always trying to be one step ahead and strip myself before God can.
Oh how I was wrong about that. But God is so faithful. He brought me here to show me that He isn't a God who longs to fix me, but to love me. Before He wants to use me, He wants to love me. As He loves me, I will naturally serve Him because I will have his heart. But I am his first mission. He longs for me.
I am seeing more and more that what I really long for is just a love for Him. Forget the visions, dreams, miracles, big callings, and all the things. If all I have is gazing on His beauty for all my days, that is enough. If all I have is simple faith then okay. I will take it. I would rather have Him. And the best part is...He would rather have me. He would rather have me then my visions or my dreams or my performance or my actions. He just wants me. Just plain and simple me. Wow.
So that is where I am right now. I could definitely use your prayers. The desert is rough. really rough. I am in a lot of pain. I am extremely vulnerable and on the verge of tears about 24/7. Not that I am not happy to be here with the Lord, but I am losing a part of myself right now, and it's a little bit painful. I am dying in a sense. I am hopeful of how the Lord is going to change me. He already is. But I need prayers. These next two months I have given to the Lord. They are His. I see now more than ever that I am not really here for all the teachings, not that they won't help me, but I am really here because this is the tool the Lord used to take me to my desert. This is how He allured me.
Anyhow, please be covering me in prayer if I ever come to mind. I need strength. His strength. I need His love. So much of His love. It is the only thing that can free me from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I push myself way too hard and definitely am my hardest critic, but the Lord's love can free me from that. I believe in the power of His love.
Know that I am missing all of you more than you could ever imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all. And don't be afraid to contact me.
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
-Barlow Girl "I need you to love me"
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