It's the same everytime. This wall. I hit the same towering wall every single time. Let me elaborate...
As anyone who has been reading my blogs knows, I have spent the last two years...well, let's just say "Oh, the places you'll go" is appropriate. I have been all over the place, but the funny thing is, after two years of searching, I realize that I am more lost now than I was when I started. Sometimes I even catch myself envious of who I used to be...I'm ashamed to even say it. I mean the person I used to be was trapped and so desperately in need of help. I was in bad relationships and living in secret and so consumed in fear that I could not even stand my own thoughts. I remember not even being able to ride alone in my car for over 10 minutes because my head drove me crazy. I say all this and you must wonder why I would ever be envious of this...But I am.
I don't envy the pain and I constantly have to remind myself that going back to that place would take me back to a lot of pain. The brain has an incredible ability to forget pain. A curse and a blessing I suppose. It's not the pain that I miss, but it's those times before I got so hurt and trapped that I miss...those days when I felt the freedom to seek a life I wanted. I felt a freedom to go after that which I desired. I miss the days when I felt like it was okay for me to....LIVE.
Crazy, right?! I mean why would I be so afraid to live. But I am. Not because I don't think I am good enough or because I am scared I won't succeed. Yes, I have moments when I feel that way, but honestly, what really holds me back is thinking that who I am is wrong and everything I desire is wrong.
I am stuck.
Stuck in this place where I know that if I were to die tomorrow then I would be so full of regret, and yet at the same time feeling as though if I start seeking the life I desire then I will fall out of love with God and not even know it. I am scared that by living, I will get so caught up in myself that I will become numb to God.
I honestly don't even know what it means to live anymore. I hit the wall--my very own Goliath.
I think every part of me is just crying out for someone to tell me it's okay to live. But I don't trust anyone enough to believe them even when they do tell me. I have had so many voices telling me all the things that are wrong with me--things that keep me from being closer to God, that I can seem to hear anything else anymore. They just sit in my head, each one telling me something different, until finally I become paralyzed--completely unaware of what to do.
I love what YWAM did for me and the freedom it has brought, but there is one thing that seems to remain--the fear to live. I can't find that balance between what YWAM taught me and what it means for me to actually just live life. I feel guilty for trying to do anything-- like by doing something it means I don't trust God to work.
A part of me thinks the real problem is that I can't let go of the voices and I am living to please others. Rather than just living my own life. A part of me thinks that the mindset that if I live then I am pushing God out the door that it is that mindset that actually what pushes me from God. It's not the living, but rather thinking that who I am is wrong and that by living I don't trust god, its that mindset that makes me not want to seek God.
I don't want to lose Him. I don't want to fall out of love with Him. I don't want to have a kid one day who looks at me and wonders how I fell away from the Lord without even knowing it. I don't want to become numb...to know all the right words but not actually know what I am saying. I don't want to buy into the lies of this world.
But I am tired...I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of trying to please people. I am tired of caring what people think about me. I want to live. I want to seek the life I imagine in my head. I want to workout and not feel guilty. I want to eat healthy and know that taking care of my body isn't a sin and I am not obsessed. I want to invest in the lives of high school kids. I want to read books. I want to travel the world--not as a missionary, but just as myself...going out to see the world and let the Lord provide the encounters. I want to have a career that allows me to use my gifts and to work hard and to make a difference. I want to help change the world. I want to wake up everyday and do something with that day. Not that I always have to be doing, but I can set goals and work hard. I want to find a man who longs to live life and who loves the Lord. A man who will push me to seek God but will also free me to live life to the fullest. I want to raise children who know that who they are is who God made them to be. Children who know that even though they mess up also know that God is ALWAYS with them and that He is real and ALIVE. I want to life a dangerous, crazy, passionate, fearless life. I want to work hard and help people and love with all that I have. I want to be who I was meant to be. I want to be free....free to be me. Free to live. Free to love. Free to seek adventure. Free.
So as much as I am dying for God to just come down and tell me that I can do this maybe that is not the lesson here. Maybe just maybe, the lesson is learning to trust. Trust that God is with me to the end of the age and that He will take care of me and never let go of me. Maybe the lesson here is that for once in my life I don't have to protect my heart but I can trust God to protect it.
It's time to face the wall. It's time to kill Goliath.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
A New Journey Begins...
Well, let's see...I am home. I assumed I would take up blogging just while being at YWAM, but come to find out I actually thoroughly enjoy blogging. It's crazy how much it helps me process my life. So here I am continuing to blog...maybe for just myself, but maybe, just maybe, someone else out there is reading this and this is striking their heart.
I read a blog the other day and for the first time in a long time I felt like there was someone out there who felt the way I did about life...besides the people who I met at YWAM that is. I mean, I felt like someone else out there really struggled with the same things as me and was refusing to accept what all they were told they should believe, and it was so refreshing...not only because I didn't feel alone, but also because it was someone who had never done anything like YWAM. I don't at all mean that to dis YWAM...going to YWAM is one of the best decisions I have ever made, but if I am not going to be a YWAMer involved in mission work my entire life and the Lord has called me back to the states, at least for this time, then I would like to know that there is going to be other people who see the world as I do...and I would like to know there is a man out there who wants to live a life the way I want to live. And that these people and this man didn't have to go to YWAM to be that way. It brings me hope to know that there are people out there who see life in the same light as me that didn't have to travel across the world and do a missions program to get there...for one, because I want to know that I won't be alone in my thinking. and for two, because I don't want to have to run to some intense life changing program anytime I want to grow.
Anyhow, besides the blog being inspiring and encouraging, it also pushed me to continue blogging. I was so captivated at the power in the words of this blogger--It took me back to my times blogging in Hawaii....oh, how I have missed it. It's crazy how much I love it. So here I am...blogging. I actually even deleted my facebook because I decided I would rather blog. Facebook just eats up my time and makes me look into everyone else's life with jealousy or lust or just inferiority. While blogging feeds my soul...seems like a better option---Life or death, I choose life :)
And so the journey begins again...
I read a blog the other day and for the first time in a long time I felt like there was someone out there who felt the way I did about life...besides the people who I met at YWAM that is. I mean, I felt like someone else out there really struggled with the same things as me and was refusing to accept what all they were told they should believe, and it was so refreshing...not only because I didn't feel alone, but also because it was someone who had never done anything like YWAM. I don't at all mean that to dis YWAM...going to YWAM is one of the best decisions I have ever made, but if I am not going to be a YWAMer involved in mission work my entire life and the Lord has called me back to the states, at least for this time, then I would like to know that there is going to be other people who see the world as I do...and I would like to know there is a man out there who wants to live a life the way I want to live. And that these people and this man didn't have to go to YWAM to be that way. It brings me hope to know that there are people out there who see life in the same light as me that didn't have to travel across the world and do a missions program to get there...for one, because I want to know that I won't be alone in my thinking. and for two, because I don't want to have to run to some intense life changing program anytime I want to grow.
Anyhow, besides the blog being inspiring and encouraging, it also pushed me to continue blogging. I was so captivated at the power in the words of this blogger--It took me back to my times blogging in Hawaii....oh, how I have missed it. It's crazy how much I love it. So here I am...blogging. I actually even deleted my facebook because I decided I would rather blog. Facebook just eats up my time and makes me look into everyone else's life with jealousy or lust or just inferiority. While blogging feeds my soul...seems like a better option---Life or death, I choose life :)
And so the journey begins again...
Monday, March 12, 2012
A Message Worth Sharing
So I am not particularly prone to putting the notes I took from my speaker's on here because it is a lot to take in and I try to just put what is going on in my life as a testament to what I am learning, but this is worth sharing. If this is the only message I got while being here, it would be enough.
Here it is:
Here it is:
WEEK 10
Joe Farrente
The Father Heart of God
The journey from information to revelationà head to heart.
Information does not transform us. Revelation is from God and he chooses to give it to us. We can cry out for it and he will reveal. Revelation is what transforms us. Revelation grabs you; not you grab it. Revelation does not change under circumstances.
This week is about the journey of love from the head to the heart. Not a sermon about the love of God.
Joeà grew up in church. Preacher’s kid. Lots of head knowledge.
Two lies he believed in his life that were UNCONSCIOUS:
-these lies kept him from the love of God
1. God is not good. ßthe devil attacked God’s character
i. If you doubt someone’s goodness and whether they are trustworthy, then you will never get close to them. Think about people you don’t trust or think are good…you aren’t close to them.
2. You are not good enough for God to love you ßthe devil then attacked his character
i. This lie opened the door to shame and condemnation
These lies rob us of intimacy. They are satanic. Satan is the father of lies.
Condemnation is Satan’s greatest tool he uses against God’s most dedicated men and women
Satan uses an imaginary problem, that we are not good enough, to rob us of the joy of knowing God’s delight in his daughter and who she is
Mark 12:29-34
The Sh’ma = Greatest Commandment
Heart=
· refers to our will. Choices
· Love for God begins with an act of our will. This is where it all begins
· Agape= Love of choice, not love of feelings. To agape love someone, you choose what is best for them, not what is best for youàlove God this way.
Soul=
· word for soul:
psuche=meaning psychology kinda
philia= feelings
· Loving God with emotions and feelings.
· To love God with our feelings and to have feelings is not wrong! To elevate feelings above our choices and our will is not good because there will be days we “don’t feel like it” but it is not wrong to have feelings and to love God with them
Mind=
Mind=
· Thoughts
· It is a beautiful thing to see a man/woman with a gifted mind and they love God with it
· The mind is not the enemy
· Knowledge and love go together. With knowledge comes love. Knowledge is not meant to fill us with intellectual arrogance, but to help our love life. The more you know someone, the more you can love them. Knowledge increases your capacity to love.
Philippians 1:9
· We do have to submit our mind to our will though. Lay down understanding and let our will reign rather than our mind having to understand
Strength=
Strength=
· Body & Talents
· Physical strength
· This is doing God’s works. Works are not a bad thingàFaith without works is dead.
· Works: AN ACT OF LOVE
o Love involves action. If a man claims all this and that towards you, but never takes you out or pursues you with more than words, you wouldn’t call that love. LOVE INVOLVES ACTION.
He was a preacher and he had no revelation in his heart of who God really was. Lots of head knowledge. Some DTS students were sent to serve in his church. The students never condemned him though they knew he needed revelation. They never criticized. They spent time interceding. They took all the jobs people did not want. They served in the nursery because no one else wanted to. They spent time with the preacher (Joe) and helped him visit the sick and go help people. They served. They showed up early and would intercede for the preacher (Joe) and never tell him because they never wanted to make him feel condemned or criticized. When he had the revelation, he went to his wife and told her. She told him she knew and she had known the whole time. She had been interceding for him the whole time—their whole marriage. wow.
The missing piece= knowing God’s love for us. That is the key!
The evidence of whether we love God:
1. Our heartà DESIRE to commit my life to God
THE THING ABOUT DESIRE…
We constantly feel like we have to recommit our lives to God, but why? We don’t recommit our marriages every 5 seconds. The vows remain. Same goes with God. But we, most of the time, love God out of duty and/or fear. This drives us to feel like we constantly have to recommit ourselves. But when we have DESIRE, we don’t feel the need to always recommit. We know that the vows remain.
God will use duty and fear and so on to get us started if He needs to, but it has to be desire in order to truly last
2. Our Soul= DESIRE to spend time with God
- When you love something, it is easy to spend time doing it
3. Our Mind= DESIRE to learn more about God
- You never get tired of learning more about the person you love
- We think we need discipline in order to read the Bible or spend time with God. But it’s not discipline. It’s love. Ask for a love for this.
4. Our Strength= DESIRE to do things for God
- You can do things for God, but the key is desiring to do them. The difference from duty to love is the desire to do it. When we desire to do it, we do it out of love.
- Think about when you change a habit of yours for the one you love. You don’t mind it. You love them so you want to please them.
- Fear motivates holiness, but love is more powerful. Fear produces a slave, but love produces a friend.
- Witnessing--comes out of love. Witnessing is talking about things you love. It’s not about boldness. It’s about love. We witness everyday. We talk about the things we love every single day. Witnessing is natural. It flows when you are in love with someone.
Everything he ever struggled with was fixed with this. It’s not about reading more books or more classes or going to a mission trip. It’s all about the revelation of love in our hearts. The revelation of love for God, it unlocks everything.
When we begin to struggle or things begin to become chaotic or offà GO BACK TO YOUR LOVE LIFE!
- Paul prays for us to be ROOTED IN LOVE
- In Revelation, it talks about forgetting your first love.
We need to pray for God to fan the flames of our love life. Ministry can be one of the biggest distractions to our love life with God. We get so busy. Ministry flows out of our love life. We have to be rooted in love. This life is all about our love life.
Big Picture of God’s Love:
What it cost for God to love us
2 Chronicles 16:9
For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.
In the beginning, God created…
Why were we created?
He wanted to give himself to us in a love relationship. He doesn’t need our worship; he doesn’t need our works. He spoke creation with his Word—do we really think he needs us to take care of it? He is all-sufficient. He doesn’t need us. He created us so he could give us himself in a love relationship. The image of God is the capacity to love, to freely give oneself.
The Lord looked down and saw that every thought was evil and he was GRIEVED…
o The Hebrew word for grieving literally means to almost pant in so much grief.
o It broke his heart
The rest of the story through the Old Testament is a story of God’s broken heart
God’s love is long suffering. He suffers in love, but is faithful and relentless to hold on for a generation that loves Him. His love is long suffering
The God who had no need, made himself have a need. He made us and with that the need for us to return the love to him. Think about having a child. You make yourself vulnerable by having a child because that child has the choice whether to love you to accept you etc. And marriage. By choosing to want to be in love, you make yourself vulnerable because you allow dependency on someone besides yourself. They have the ability to hurt you.
--This is what God did. He made himself vulnerable. He made us knowing that we could trample on His heart. He had no need, but He chose to have a need when He made us. He took a risk. He opened up his heart to us by making us, and making us with a choice. HE VOLUNTARILY CHOSE TO BE BROKEN SO THAT WE COULD HAVE THE CHOICE TO ABIDE IN HIS LOVE...the only thing that will satisfy.
We have been fed a lie that God is judge and that we should be thankful for Jesus because ONLY Jesus shows the compassionate side of God, but NO! God and Jesus are one. God is compassionate. We think only Jesus is compassionate.
Revelation-- Women are the beauty and splendor of God so the devil has tried to attack beauty for women. He wants to keep us from having life and giving life. Women are life givers so he attacks our identity in that. But the devil has tried to attack men and intimacy. He has made men believe they are only called to provide, but twisted it so men don't know to provide by their pursuit-- pursuit of their wives and their daughters. This is because if the devil can distort the view of fathers on earth he can use that to distort the picture of our heavenly father.
In the Old Testament, God delays judgment out of love. He sends prophets not to condemn, but to tell them that if they repent then he will relent. It is so clear if you read what they say, that all God is asking is for them to repent and none of it will happen.
-- Look at story of Jonah:
He was sent to Ninevah, the most wicked place, and had Jonah warn them. When they responded and fasted and repented, he saved them and did not unleash his wrath.
**Note: the reason Jonah was angry was because he looked like a false prophet because what he claimed would happen didn’t happen. But God says Jonah, you’re heart is in the wrong place. I just saved people. That is my heart—to save, not to kill. You warned them and they responded.
Look at God’s covenant:
I will be your God.
You will be My people.
o This is what it is all about
o It is everlasting!
Moses:
o God talked to Moses face to face. God is refreshed by friendship with Him.
o Moses asked to see God’s gloryà
God responds and says I will let my “GOODNESS” pass before you. God changes the word glory to goodness. When God chooses one word to describe himself, he chooses GOOD. (Look at Genesis…it was good, it was good, it was very good)
Joshua and Calebà followed me fully
Judgesà they turn to idols. God says I can bear the pain no longer. It was killing his heart. The wrath is out of a deeply broken heart.
Samuelà The people tell Samuel they want a REAL King. God is not enough. When Samuel weeps, God says that they have not rejected you, they have rejected me. Rejection is all God has ever known from us. He understands rejection.
David= a man after God’s own heart.
o David had some serious issues. Murderer. Adulterer.
o Hezekiah was the MOST righteous King, but Jesus does not sit on the throne of Hezekiah BUT ON THE THRONE OF DAVID.
Why? à
Because David was AFTER GOD! He sought the heart of God
Isaiah
I feel like a woman/man who has married the man/woman of my dreams and on our honeymoon, you have left me.
Jeremiah
My children are foolish. Come back
Ezekiel
“Spiritual prostitution”
God says, my heart has been hurt by their harlotry =
Chapter 16 is a graphic picture of how we have left God and become a harlot. I feel like a man whose wife has become a harlot. It is breaking my heart. I am in pain. But at the end, God says if you return to me I will give you back my heart.
Hosea--Wife was a prostitute. This is the story of how God feels towards us.
Maybe this is entirely metaphorical, but probably a literal story. God is a teacher, not a preacher. We learn through experience much more than stories.
Malachi-- First words of the book, “I have loved you.”
Their response= Really? When? How?
God has loved, we have doubted. That is the problem.
So…
God sends one more messenger. His son.
John 3:16 à not about how much Jesus loves the world; it is about how much God loves us.
Jesus= Man of Sorrow
Jesus experienced physical pain, but more than physical pain, Jesus experienced deep, deep emotional pain. He had to see a world that rejected the love of the Father.
When Jesus asks for the cup to pass…
It is like this moment when He realizes that he is going to take on all sin. What is sin? Rejecting the Father. Murder, adultery, etc, these are all manifestations of rejecting the father, but the real sin is rejecting the Father.
He cries out NO, NO, NO! He has known his whole life he would die. It is not fear of death that he is crying out for. It is finally realizing that in the most painful moment of life, he will take on the rejection of the Father done by the people. He will be without his father. His Father has been his reference point his whole life. He does not know life without him, and now he is seeing that this cup is not about physically dying, but about death in his heart, because life without the Father is death. He was going to experience life without the Father because he was going to take all our sin, our rejection of the Father.
But here is the difference between us and God. When we are rejected, we grieve for ourselves, but when God is rejected, he grieves for us à Jesus says don’t weep for me, weep for yourselves and your children
Jesus died on the cross in a few hours. That is unheard of. There are records of people hanging on a cross for 7-10 days. Most people die within 2 or 3 days. Jesus died within a few hours.
Why? He LITERALLY died of a broken heart.
When they took the spear and cut his side and blood and water came out, it shows God died of a broken heart
à You see, there is a sac by the heart called the pericardium. When we have extreme agony or suffering this sac fills with water and blood and it will burst.
**Just a note- I looked this up. It's for real. It was unheard of for men to die on the cross so quickly. The other two men had to have their knees broken in order to die quicker but when they went to Jesus, they punctured his side and blood and water flowed so they never broke his knees. A corpse does not have blood, but Jesus did. This indicates that he truly did have a ruptured heart. They say that a ruptured heart does not usually immediately kill you, but can take time. Thus, it was probably (this part is theory obviously) in the Garden that Jesus' heart ruptured. WOW. Look it up.
Book of Revelationà Because of Jesus Christ, God no longer looks at us with a broken heart. He looks at us as he originally created us. We are redeemed. He is filled with joy and exhilaration.
The veil is torn. Jew and Gentile alike have access to the holy of holies. Jesus' death released his spirit so the temple is now within us. Do you know what that means? The Kingdom of God is within us. We are the place where heaven and earth meet. We have the ability to release heaven on earth. The temple was the meeting place of heaven and earth and we are now the temple...Look it up if you do not believe that it was considered that in the jewish culture.
The Kingdom of God is NOW. That is why Jesus kept saying it is near...He was not saying that it will be when we die. He was saying that when He dies, His spirit will be released and the Kingdom of God will be released in us! The Kingdom of God is now.
All of this proves the first lie to be a lie (who woulda thought?), but the lie that stands in the way now is the second lie—that we aren’t good enough.
^^^So this was day one's notes only. Crazy right?!? Hope this rocks your world as much as it rocked mine.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
God is LOVE. Do you believe that?
Well, here I am, with only 3 weeks left. It's kinda crazy that I have been here for 2 and a half months. It feels like its been much longer and yet at the same time I can't believe I only have 3 weeks left. Time is a funny thing if you think about it.
So as everyone reading my blog knows...this has been the desert for me. However, about a week ago, I had this moment where I realized I am grateful for my time here. That was kinda a revelation for me. I mean I knew that I was glad, but it hadn't really hit my heart until about a week ago. Through a series of events, I finally came to this moment where I realized that I am not the same that I used to be. I never will be. I am not the same person that I came here being. I have experienced so much freedom from things that were really controlling me.
With that being said, I would not live this over again but I also would not trade it for the world. Anyone who has been through a desert knows that though you are eternally grateful for what you gained and the remolding the Lord did in that time, you do not want to experience the pain over again. That is how I feel.
Once I realized how grateful I was, I was flooded with an overwhelming desire for more. I begin to cry out to the Lord begging Him not to let me breeze through these next 3 weeks. I want more. I am so ready to go home, but at the same time, there is so much more I want before going home. (I am starting to see that when I go home, the work will continue). I am not really sure how much of this overwhelming feeling was me or the steroids. I came down with pneumonia since being here and thus I was put on steroids which if you have ever taken steroids, you know how much it messes with your...well, everything. I felt like a basket case. Not that I haven't felt that way the whole time I have been here or anything ha.
It sounds crazy to have pneumonia in Hawaii, I know, but actually, it was kind of a blessing. Most of my life I have been really hard on myself and in my mind, the reason I have always struggled with being sick was because I chose it. I looked back on all the years of me being sick, including the time that I was at UGA, and blamed myself for it all. For the first time maybe ever I realized I actually really do have asthma and that it wasn't all my fault. I actually felt pity for myself as a kid. Kinda rare for me to feel pity for myself, but a huge revelation for me. For the first time I offered myself some sort of understanding and stopped blaming myself.
THE COOLER PART--> One night one of my roommates asked me to go to this prayer and praise time at the cafe on campus. I didn't really want to, but then something inside of me said yes, you need to go Grace. So I gave in and said okay. That night as we worshipped, they asked if anyone needed healing. I tried to avoid it, but then one of my fellow classmates here called me out on it. Thus, I raised my hand for prayer. I told them I had pneumonia and asthma. As they prayed for healing, I could feel my chest/lungs hurting. It's almost like the pneumonia went deeper, which was kinda weird for me to comprehend why it would do that, but then I just really felt like the Lord was saying, I am cleaning out your lungs. I am allowing you to forgive yourself. You will be healed.
WOW. Now I cannot tell you that I feel this immediate relief. But I have faith. I know that the devil wants to take perseverance from me. He wants to make me believe that because it wasn't immediate it wasn't real, but I choose to believe otherwise. I am healed. I am walking in the revelation of what has been done.
So up to this night, I had been on a kind of emotional high. I was finally feeling like I was coming out of the desert. Then the next day arrived....
It reminds me of Jesus when he was baptised and the clouds opened and the spirit fell on Him and God said this is my son in whom I am well pleased. What a cool moment right? But then He is immediately taken to the wilderness where the devil tempts Him. I had always looked at this story and thought how it was showing that Jesus resisted the devil, which I am sure it does teach that lesson, but it wasn't until a friend pointed out that this story shows that Jesus really does understand what it feels like to suffer. He gets it. I mean even when He was in the garden before the crucifixion, He asked the Lord if it was possible for Him to take the cup away. He felt pain. It wasn't some easy experience that He went through just to show us that He could do it. He was actually a real man who felt the pain of the experiences and He didn't really want to go through it, but he chose it anyway.
As I have struggled through the past few days, it is this story that my friend told me that has helped bring me enough hope and comfort to get through. You see, Jesus understands what it feels like to get this emotional high aka the baptism where His Father tells Him that He is pleased, and then to all of the sudden be in the wilderness being tempted. He gets the pain and how hard it is. He doesn't think it was easy. He didn't go through that just so He could say, well I did it. He went through it so he could say...I get it. I get the pain. I feel the pain with you. I am not angry...I get it.
So my guess is you're wondering what caused me to struggle. Well, its nothing new really. The devil is NOT a creator...he uses the same tricks everytime. Only God is the author of creation so the devil can only use counterfeits of what God has created and he uses the same ones always. So that is exactly what he did. I was on a high. I just had someone pray healing over me. I was crying out to God for more. So of course he was angry and wanted to distract me, so he threw the age old card of beauty in my face again.
You would think I would know how to battle it by this point, but I don't. You would think its simple, but it doesn't feel that way while I am in the midst of it. I get so trapped in my mind. My thoughts feel like they are raging and roaring. I can't think straight. It feels like no one understands. I feel isolated. My mind isn't present. I begin to dwindle, and wonder if I will ever get out of this. Will there ever be a day when I am not obsessed with my body and when I won't have this love/hate relationship with food? Will there ever be a day when I love my body and I don't use food? When I will finally turn to God and not to food? In my mind, I cant imagine it. So I sink deeper, deeper, deeper.
The depression sinks in when I begin to think I will never get out, and that God is so tired of this. When I begin to lose sight of God's love for me then the devil can start twisting the way I see God--that's when it gets really bad. You see, something I have learned here is that the devil wants more than anything for us to not understand who God really is. If he can twist the truth of God's character then he can cause our whole lives to unravel. We have to stay grounded on WHO GOD IS. Not who we think he is, or how we are feeling towards him or even how we think He is feeling towards us. We have to stay grounded in the TRUTH of who He actually is. Who does the Word tell us God is? You can read a passage out of context and make Him some big, angry God, or you can really sit and try to understand who God is and you will always find that God is good. God is trustworthy. GOD IS LOVE. He is Abba...our Daddy.
This is the choice we have to make. You see, in the midst of all my pain, God is not asking me to get myself out, He is asking me to choose to believe in who He is. Only then can HE GET ME OUT. I can't get myself out of the sin that I am in. I can't get myself out of the pain. It is too much for me, but it is NOT TOO MUCH FOR HIM. So you see, the choice is mine--do I believe God cares? Do I believe God is good? Do I believe God is real? Do I believe GOD IS LOVE? It's hard for me to when I am in the midst of all the pain. I bounce from feeling so guilty that I can't imagine that God could love me to the opposite direction where I blame God for the pain and for not getting me out sooner. But I have to CHOOSE to let that go. I have to CHOOSE to believe that God is love. God cares. God's heart is breaking for me. His heart is not angry, but rather shattering into a million pieces as he watches me fall to pieces in pain. God did not become man so that He could sit up above us and say well I did it...no no no. God is looking down saying, I know it hurts...I know that the pain you feel is so real you could sweat blood. I know that the sin you are in is more than the way you are acting, there is actually a deep deep pain inside. I know that it is weighing on you and every part of you is crying to get out. I get it. Just let me help you. I already paid the price, you just have to turn your eyes to me and believe in who I am. That's it.
Maybe it sounds like I understand how to do all this because I am writing it, but it actually is a revelation that is coming to me as I write. It's kinda like the Lord teaches me as I write this all down, and in faith I write it because I want to believe it. I want to truly believe in who He is and by writing it, it is kinda like my proclamation saying that I will choose to believe this.
This is actually the first moments of clarity that I have had in the past few days.
I woke up this morning in a lot of pain. Physically and emotionally. I got out my journal and pen and barely knew what to say. I felt numb and nothing sounded better than just sleeping the day away. But in a place like YWAM, you don't really get the option to avoid pain. Even if I just wanted to go through the motions, so much truth is in your face, it makes it really hard. I think God did that on purpose. I think he brought me here to take me through some really tough things because He knew by being here I could not avoid it. I would remain tender even when I wanted to grow cold. It amazes me how well He knows us. I don't know why it does--I mean He is my maker, but somehow I always forget that He knows me better than I will ever know myself.
Anyhow, as I journaled, I felt numb. I wanted to be real with God, but my heart is so deeply hurting and I just could not figure out how to get through the walls I have put up over the past few days in order to survive. Then this video popped into my mind. "Jesus Skit-Lifehouse Everything" on youtube. I looked it up, and as I watched it, the walls fell. (crazy how much God can use the arts to tear down walls). Tears streamed. That is exactly how I feel. I want out of this battle with food and weight and beauty. It's like this addiction that I cannot seem to break. And I don't just want some coping mechanism where I learn to count calories. I want FREEDOM. I want out of it. And I believe that there is freedom. It may be the longer, more painful path but I choose the journey WITH HIM rather than the destination without Him. If life isn't about the journeys we go through with Him then what is it? Just destination to destination? I have lived enough of my life that way and I am done with that. It just left me always running with a discontent heart...nothing ever satisfied. So I choose the journey. It may hurt. It may be long. It may be painful. But I choose it. I choose it for me. I choose it for my daughter. I choose it for all the other women who are trapped in this. And I praise God that He has given me the opportunity to choose Him. I praise Him that He has given me enough strength to say, Here am I. Take me through it.
I had a dream last night. Twice actually. In the dream I wake up from a nightmare and I want my mom. I am terrified. I can feel this darkness all around me. I get out of bed and as I try to run to my parents room, I can't barely move. There is this weight on me and am I trying to move but I can't. I literally am grabbing hold of countertops to pull myself forward. I go to scream and I can barely make a sound. I keep trying. I keep pulling. At one point, there is literally something pulling me backwards away from my mom's room. I had to grab hold of the bed to keep myself from slipping back into it. In both dreams, I never made it to my mom's room. BUT...my mom made it to me. Somehow, though my voice could barely make a noise, she heard me. She came running. The dream ends there. Safe in my mom's arms.
I think the Lord is showing me what I am going through. The pain is so much that is weighing me down. I can barely move and barely speak. But He hears me. He is coming. He is going to meet me. All I have to do is hold on. Just like I held onto the countertops, just hold on. He is running. And the way He sees me in the midst of my deepest pain and darkest sin is just how my mom sees me. He sees me with a heart that aches for me to be free. He is running to try and fix the pain. God wants to be my mom. We always make God masculine, but women hold a part of God that is vital. God wants to be my mom right now. He wants to hold me and help me and just rock me until the pain fades.
Realizing this has been vital for me. In the midst of this battle, it actually is the only thing that can get me through. I had begun to lose sight of how God saw me and was beginning to think He was angry. But He's not. He is with me, and He feels the pain. Just like my mom feels my pain everytime I call in tears. My mom wrote me this letter when I was at UGA 2 years ago. I was in so much pain there, and my mom could barely stand it. She couldn't barely talk to me on the phone because it was so much on her heart. She wrote me the letter to let me know how it was killing her to watch me hurt but she knew she had to let me grow. The letter remains a treasure in my heart. I will always know the way my mom loves in the depths of her soul when I read it. No matter my age. As I have been writing this blog, the Lord has been reminding me to go back and read it so I can see how much He really does hurt for me right now. He has the heart of my mother.
I think one of the most important things I am going to leave YWAM with is knowing that GOD IS LOVE. There is nothing that can change our lives the way that piece of truth can. If we could only grasp how He loves us, the problems might not disappear, but hope would tower over them.
I really encourage you all to watch this video on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfrbIleVf58
So as everyone reading my blog knows...this has been the desert for me. However, about a week ago, I had this moment where I realized I am grateful for my time here. That was kinda a revelation for me. I mean I knew that I was glad, but it hadn't really hit my heart until about a week ago. Through a series of events, I finally came to this moment where I realized that I am not the same that I used to be. I never will be. I am not the same person that I came here being. I have experienced so much freedom from things that were really controlling me.
With that being said, I would not live this over again but I also would not trade it for the world. Anyone who has been through a desert knows that though you are eternally grateful for what you gained and the remolding the Lord did in that time, you do not want to experience the pain over again. That is how I feel.
Once I realized how grateful I was, I was flooded with an overwhelming desire for more. I begin to cry out to the Lord begging Him not to let me breeze through these next 3 weeks. I want more. I am so ready to go home, but at the same time, there is so much more I want before going home. (I am starting to see that when I go home, the work will continue). I am not really sure how much of this overwhelming feeling was me or the steroids. I came down with pneumonia since being here and thus I was put on steroids which if you have ever taken steroids, you know how much it messes with your...well, everything. I felt like a basket case. Not that I haven't felt that way the whole time I have been here or anything ha.
It sounds crazy to have pneumonia in Hawaii, I know, but actually, it was kind of a blessing. Most of my life I have been really hard on myself and in my mind, the reason I have always struggled with being sick was because I chose it. I looked back on all the years of me being sick, including the time that I was at UGA, and blamed myself for it all. For the first time maybe ever I realized I actually really do have asthma and that it wasn't all my fault. I actually felt pity for myself as a kid. Kinda rare for me to feel pity for myself, but a huge revelation for me. For the first time I offered myself some sort of understanding and stopped blaming myself.
THE COOLER PART--> One night one of my roommates asked me to go to this prayer and praise time at the cafe on campus. I didn't really want to, but then something inside of me said yes, you need to go Grace. So I gave in and said okay. That night as we worshipped, they asked if anyone needed healing. I tried to avoid it, but then one of my fellow classmates here called me out on it. Thus, I raised my hand for prayer. I told them I had pneumonia and asthma. As they prayed for healing, I could feel my chest/lungs hurting. It's almost like the pneumonia went deeper, which was kinda weird for me to comprehend why it would do that, but then I just really felt like the Lord was saying, I am cleaning out your lungs. I am allowing you to forgive yourself. You will be healed.
WOW. Now I cannot tell you that I feel this immediate relief. But I have faith. I know that the devil wants to take perseverance from me. He wants to make me believe that because it wasn't immediate it wasn't real, but I choose to believe otherwise. I am healed. I am walking in the revelation of what has been done.
So up to this night, I had been on a kind of emotional high. I was finally feeling like I was coming out of the desert. Then the next day arrived....
It reminds me of Jesus when he was baptised and the clouds opened and the spirit fell on Him and God said this is my son in whom I am well pleased. What a cool moment right? But then He is immediately taken to the wilderness where the devil tempts Him. I had always looked at this story and thought how it was showing that Jesus resisted the devil, which I am sure it does teach that lesson, but it wasn't until a friend pointed out that this story shows that Jesus really does understand what it feels like to suffer. He gets it. I mean even when He was in the garden before the crucifixion, He asked the Lord if it was possible for Him to take the cup away. He felt pain. It wasn't some easy experience that He went through just to show us that He could do it. He was actually a real man who felt the pain of the experiences and He didn't really want to go through it, but he chose it anyway.
As I have struggled through the past few days, it is this story that my friend told me that has helped bring me enough hope and comfort to get through. You see, Jesus understands what it feels like to get this emotional high aka the baptism where His Father tells Him that He is pleased, and then to all of the sudden be in the wilderness being tempted. He gets the pain and how hard it is. He doesn't think it was easy. He didn't go through that just so He could say, well I did it. He went through it so he could say...I get it. I get the pain. I feel the pain with you. I am not angry...I get it.
So my guess is you're wondering what caused me to struggle. Well, its nothing new really. The devil is NOT a creator...he uses the same tricks everytime. Only God is the author of creation so the devil can only use counterfeits of what God has created and he uses the same ones always. So that is exactly what he did. I was on a high. I just had someone pray healing over me. I was crying out to God for more. So of course he was angry and wanted to distract me, so he threw the age old card of beauty in my face again.
You would think I would know how to battle it by this point, but I don't. You would think its simple, but it doesn't feel that way while I am in the midst of it. I get so trapped in my mind. My thoughts feel like they are raging and roaring. I can't think straight. It feels like no one understands. I feel isolated. My mind isn't present. I begin to dwindle, and wonder if I will ever get out of this. Will there ever be a day when I am not obsessed with my body and when I won't have this love/hate relationship with food? Will there ever be a day when I love my body and I don't use food? When I will finally turn to God and not to food? In my mind, I cant imagine it. So I sink deeper, deeper, deeper.
The depression sinks in when I begin to think I will never get out, and that God is so tired of this. When I begin to lose sight of God's love for me then the devil can start twisting the way I see God--that's when it gets really bad. You see, something I have learned here is that the devil wants more than anything for us to not understand who God really is. If he can twist the truth of God's character then he can cause our whole lives to unravel. We have to stay grounded on WHO GOD IS. Not who we think he is, or how we are feeling towards him or even how we think He is feeling towards us. We have to stay grounded in the TRUTH of who He actually is. Who does the Word tell us God is? You can read a passage out of context and make Him some big, angry God, or you can really sit and try to understand who God is and you will always find that God is good. God is trustworthy. GOD IS LOVE. He is Abba...our Daddy.
This is the choice we have to make. You see, in the midst of all my pain, God is not asking me to get myself out, He is asking me to choose to believe in who He is. Only then can HE GET ME OUT. I can't get myself out of the sin that I am in. I can't get myself out of the pain. It is too much for me, but it is NOT TOO MUCH FOR HIM. So you see, the choice is mine--do I believe God cares? Do I believe God is good? Do I believe God is real? Do I believe GOD IS LOVE? It's hard for me to when I am in the midst of all the pain. I bounce from feeling so guilty that I can't imagine that God could love me to the opposite direction where I blame God for the pain and for not getting me out sooner. But I have to CHOOSE to let that go. I have to CHOOSE to believe that God is love. God cares. God's heart is breaking for me. His heart is not angry, but rather shattering into a million pieces as he watches me fall to pieces in pain. God did not become man so that He could sit up above us and say well I did it...no no no. God is looking down saying, I know it hurts...I know that the pain you feel is so real you could sweat blood. I know that the sin you are in is more than the way you are acting, there is actually a deep deep pain inside. I know that it is weighing on you and every part of you is crying to get out. I get it. Just let me help you. I already paid the price, you just have to turn your eyes to me and believe in who I am. That's it.
Maybe it sounds like I understand how to do all this because I am writing it, but it actually is a revelation that is coming to me as I write. It's kinda like the Lord teaches me as I write this all down, and in faith I write it because I want to believe it. I want to truly believe in who He is and by writing it, it is kinda like my proclamation saying that I will choose to believe this.
This is actually the first moments of clarity that I have had in the past few days.
I woke up this morning in a lot of pain. Physically and emotionally. I got out my journal and pen and barely knew what to say. I felt numb and nothing sounded better than just sleeping the day away. But in a place like YWAM, you don't really get the option to avoid pain. Even if I just wanted to go through the motions, so much truth is in your face, it makes it really hard. I think God did that on purpose. I think he brought me here to take me through some really tough things because He knew by being here I could not avoid it. I would remain tender even when I wanted to grow cold. It amazes me how well He knows us. I don't know why it does--I mean He is my maker, but somehow I always forget that He knows me better than I will ever know myself.
Anyhow, as I journaled, I felt numb. I wanted to be real with God, but my heart is so deeply hurting and I just could not figure out how to get through the walls I have put up over the past few days in order to survive. Then this video popped into my mind. "Jesus Skit-Lifehouse Everything" on youtube. I looked it up, and as I watched it, the walls fell. (crazy how much God can use the arts to tear down walls). Tears streamed. That is exactly how I feel. I want out of this battle with food and weight and beauty. It's like this addiction that I cannot seem to break. And I don't just want some coping mechanism where I learn to count calories. I want FREEDOM. I want out of it. And I believe that there is freedom. It may be the longer, more painful path but I choose the journey WITH HIM rather than the destination without Him. If life isn't about the journeys we go through with Him then what is it? Just destination to destination? I have lived enough of my life that way and I am done with that. It just left me always running with a discontent heart...nothing ever satisfied. So I choose the journey. It may hurt. It may be long. It may be painful. But I choose it. I choose it for me. I choose it for my daughter. I choose it for all the other women who are trapped in this. And I praise God that He has given me the opportunity to choose Him. I praise Him that He has given me enough strength to say, Here am I. Take me through it.
I had a dream last night. Twice actually. In the dream I wake up from a nightmare and I want my mom. I am terrified. I can feel this darkness all around me. I get out of bed and as I try to run to my parents room, I can't barely move. There is this weight on me and am I trying to move but I can't. I literally am grabbing hold of countertops to pull myself forward. I go to scream and I can barely make a sound. I keep trying. I keep pulling. At one point, there is literally something pulling me backwards away from my mom's room. I had to grab hold of the bed to keep myself from slipping back into it. In both dreams, I never made it to my mom's room. BUT...my mom made it to me. Somehow, though my voice could barely make a noise, she heard me. She came running. The dream ends there. Safe in my mom's arms.
I think the Lord is showing me what I am going through. The pain is so much that is weighing me down. I can barely move and barely speak. But He hears me. He is coming. He is going to meet me. All I have to do is hold on. Just like I held onto the countertops, just hold on. He is running. And the way He sees me in the midst of my deepest pain and darkest sin is just how my mom sees me. He sees me with a heart that aches for me to be free. He is running to try and fix the pain. God wants to be my mom. We always make God masculine, but women hold a part of God that is vital. God wants to be my mom right now. He wants to hold me and help me and just rock me until the pain fades.
Realizing this has been vital for me. In the midst of this battle, it actually is the only thing that can get me through. I had begun to lose sight of how God saw me and was beginning to think He was angry. But He's not. He is with me, and He feels the pain. Just like my mom feels my pain everytime I call in tears. My mom wrote me this letter when I was at UGA 2 years ago. I was in so much pain there, and my mom could barely stand it. She couldn't barely talk to me on the phone because it was so much on her heart. She wrote me the letter to let me know how it was killing her to watch me hurt but she knew she had to let me grow. The letter remains a treasure in my heart. I will always know the way my mom loves in the depths of her soul when I read it. No matter my age. As I have been writing this blog, the Lord has been reminding me to go back and read it so I can see how much He really does hurt for me right now. He has the heart of my mother.
I think one of the most important things I am going to leave YWAM with is knowing that GOD IS LOVE. There is nothing that can change our lives the way that piece of truth can. If we could only grasp how He loves us, the problems might not disappear, but hope would tower over them.
I really encourage you all to watch this video on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfrbIleVf58
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
In the Desert, there He speaks tenderly...
When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away.
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you til it goes away.
When the rain comes, I will hold you.
--Third Day
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away.
When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you til it goes away.
When the rain comes, I will hold you.
--Third Day
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Time to Stop Running...
Oh my goodness. Where do I begin? This week has been...an answer to prayers.
I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
I don't even know how to sum all that the Lord has shown me lately.
Okay so I will start with this...I mentioned earlier that though I am in Hawaii and it sounds like paradise, behind all the glamour, I am in a desert. Everyday is a battle. I miss home to the point that it hurts. And it is more than just home. I miss being who I was meant to be. I have been so afraid of myself and just running, running, running away from who I am. And the Lord has really showed me that, and has told me to stop running.
I said in one of my earlier blogs that the Lord spoke to me and told me that He wasn't stripping me but rather He was allowing struggles into my life and afflictions in order that I might finally realize that I have to stop performing. I have to let go. I am going to run myself into the ground if I don't.
You see, I thought when I was dying at Furman and feeling so just tired and burnt out and afflicted that the answer was to come to YWAM. If the "American Dream" was killing me then obviously I needed to seek the opposite--> aka become a missionary. Then I got here, and I DO NOT LIKE BEING A MISSIONARY.
It is so completely opposite of everything I am. I am structured and organized and planner and love having roots. There is nothing wrong with missionaries but it is not me. But I was having this inner battle where I could not see where I belonged. I mean I was struggling at Furman and then I come here and the struggle continues. I was kinda like "okay, Lord, what the heck do you want from me?" I mean I was trying not to fit in when I was at Furman because I was scared if I fit in then I must be living for myself and not living for the Lord but then I come here and it is so not me and I feel like I am dying because I am trying to make myself something I am not.
You see the battle here?
But then God came reigning down. His voice like lightning--bringing revelation that rocked me to the very core. It's crazy because even as I sit here and write, it is hard to express everything I want because it doesn't feel like I have all this new information just sitting in my mind. No, what I have is revelation that has gone so deep that it is changing my heart. It is like I am forgetting that I was ever anything but this. Does that make sense? The things God is revealing to me is almost like totally skipping my head and going straight to my heart. I am being made new and I can barely even see it because it is so deeply rooted in me that it's like I never was anything but this. Ahh, I don't even know how to explain it. I just know that what the Lord is doing is penetrating deep into my very being. I am the same and yet not the same at all.
Okay, moving on. So what the Lord revealed to me is that I am afraid of myself. My friend kept having this vision of a lion who is afraid of its roar. I was the lion, but I have been so afraid of my roar. So afraid to be who I am. But when I finally accepted that, OH MY GOSH, freedom has been raining down on me. It's like the reason I couldn't get breakthrough is because I was standing in the way. The reason I could not see that God is good is because I wouldn't let him show me.
With al that being said, I am coming home. Not now. I am staying for the lecture phase. The Lord brought me here, but not for missions like I thought. The Lord brought me here to show me who I am...HIS. He loves me because he loves me because he loves because he loves me....it just continues. This decision was really hard for me to make because well, I am a performer. I love to be exactly what people expect me to be. I love to meet people's expectations. I am an all or nothing kind of person and here I am saying, "nope, I am only going to do half the program." I mean this goes against my very nature...I am basically throwing away an opportunity. But you know what...My heart is overwhelmed with joy because God doesn't really care about me going on a mission trip or not. He wants me. When I prayed about whether to go or not, I really felt the Lord tell me, " Yes Grace, you will miss out on a part of my character by not going on outreach, but you will also not know another side of me that you need to see right now. A side of me that says, Grace, I love you because I love you because I love you. You are my first mission. I love you, not what you do. I am the same God no matter where you are. Go home. Just don't turn away from me."
Do you all get how awesome that is? I mean really? We serve a God who says, "it is finished." He doesn't need us. The work has already been done. He just wants us. He wants me. I mean do you get how good of a God we have? It is a God who says, "you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I gave up my life so that you could be you and you could live. Live abundantly." Like Wow. He literally died so that we could rest in his Grace.
So to build on that--> We had a speaker this week who spoke on the Holy Spirit.
He just poured so much truth into my life. I cannot even begin to explain all the truth He taught me this week. I am almost nervous to read through my notes and tell you because it would be so much. Rather, I think I will just tell you what sits on the top of my head.
God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit. They are all the same. We have a tendency to look at them different but they are not. The Jesus who was full of compassion and mercy and love is the same as our Father God who is also the same as the Holy Spirit that lives within us. When we say we have the Spirit in us, we literally have Jesus and God living in us. Like do you get how crazy that is? Think about it like this--So you have a body but you also have a spirit. Your spirit knows what you're thinking right? But your spirit does not know what your friend Timmy is thinking. I mean your spirit can't read other people's thoughts but it does know yours, right? Okay yes. So now think of it like this...the spirit of God, his very spirit is living in you. OH MY GOSH. Do you get that? The spirit of God literally lives in you. Do you know what that means? You have access to the very thoughts of God. We think we just hear from God. Like he speaks down to us, but don't you get that his spirit lives in us. Like literally lives in us.
1 Corinthians 2:10-11
these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
I don't know about you all but that literally just blew my mind. Like blew my mind.
Something else that really blew my mind about the fact that God is Jesus is the Holy Spirit is that I tend to get this skewed view of God. Like I can see how good Jesus is and how much He loves me, but God seems so distant. Like just up in the sky far away. But that's so wrong. God is one God. There is only one of Him. But He manifests himself in three forms. Kinda like-- I am Grace: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a teacher, a counselor, and one being counseled. I am the same Grace, but different roles. That is like God. He is the same God, but different roles. God, our heavenly Father, gave up his privileges as deity and became man in order to save us. Then, he became a spirit in order that He might be with us wherever we go. Prior to the cross, God was in heaven and He could not live in us because we were sin and He is not sin. Thus, he sent Jesus. Jesus was limited as a man. He did great things but he is still man. He was not able to roam freely because just as we are limited so was He. Then, Jesus died taking our sins, and he did this so that the Holy Spirit could come and be with each and everyone of us ALL THE TIME. Literally, Jesus was a man who gave up his friends, his family, his life in order that the Holy Spirit might be able to dwell in us. I don't know if I am making sense, but this was total revelatory to me. I mean I knew it all, but not like this.
Another huge point was when we talked about Heaven. This was kinda a tangent that we got off on and had nothing really to do with the Holy Spirit but it was super cool. We talked about how heaven is so much more than this place of just sitting at the altar of God and singing and worshipping. I mean not that I don't love Jesus with all my heart, but that does not actually sound that wonderful to do for the rest of my life. I am not exactly musically inclined, thus, it makes it even less appealing to me. And it has also been really hard for me to understand what this life is about if all the "gifts" I have been given are just going to go to waste. I mean if when I go to heaven, I am just going to be singing all the time, then the fact that I like planning and that I am good at school and that I have a business mindset-- all these things must be ungodly. Does that make sense? I mean what is the point of all the gifts I have been given if when I go to heaven, I will never use them? Without knowing it, this has been engraved into my mind and has fed into the lie that I should be afraid of who I am because the person I am naturally is worldly and every desire I have is bad. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am a sinner, but just like it says in Romans, I have died to sin and now I live by the spirit. I am no longer a slave to sin. And God also says that if we delight in him then he places the desires in our heart. So it has been really hard for me to understand that if that is true, how come I still don't want to be a worship leader or pastor or missionary? I mean honestly, I really want to get a college degree. I want to be in the business world or maybe law school. I like working out. I like living in one place and planting roots there. I like America. But to me it felt like all those things are wrong because I mean when we go to heaven those things are worthless.
(P.S. Romans is an amazing book that should be read!)
BUT THEN OUR SPEAKER SPOKE TRUTH ON THIS SUBJECT. He talked about how Heaven is more than just sitting around singing. You see, WORSHIP IS A LIFESTYLE. He was saying how God is preparing us now for the Heaven we will live in one day. We may be a chef there who cooks meals that only Heaven could produce. I mean I don't get it all, but it was just so cool to see that my gifts are not all worldly gifts. I love hiking, so why would I not be a hiker in heaven. I mean if I think I see beauty here on earth, how much better hiking places will there be in heaven? The things we love here won't disappear, they will just be SO MUCH BETTER. I mean Heaven is coming to earth....it will just be a redeemed and glorified earth.
(the speaker recommended "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn)
This feeds into the fact that we have all been given spiritual gifts. It's crazy because this week ended with us taking an extensive spiritual gifts test, but even without the teaching that is so much of what I have been learning.
You see, by running from myself I have been running from the gifts I have been given by God. Our speaker talked about how it is our duty to use the gifts. It is a way in which the spirit works through us. It is a way we can love God and a way we can love others. We need to nurture our gifts. We are withholding from people by not using our God-given gifts.
One of the best things that happened to me this week was talking to my Dad on the phone. It was so cool because my dad just spoke so much truth into my life. He told me about the three men in Matthew who received wealth. The first man received 5 bags of gold and made 5 more. The second one received 2 bags and made 2 more. The last man received one bag and he took that bag and hid it. He was so afraid of losing his gold that he buried his gift. Ultimately, the gift is taken away from him. He let fear keep him from using the gift he was given --> Matthew 25:14-30
That was like a wake up call. To whom much is given much is required. The Lord has given me so much in life and I am like this lion who is afraid to roar. I mean come on? A lion was made to roar. Yet here I am afraid to be who I am. My dad really help shine light on the fact that God can't give me more if my hearts are clasped shut holding onto what He has already given me.
It was so cool the way my dad was just like, "Grace, what you have been doing is so great but it's time to start living." Ahh, that was so good to hear. It rang truth and freedom into my ears. I have been so afraid to live. I think the Lord has done a mighty work in me over the past two years, but it is time to stop running. It is time for to start living. Not that I have been wrong to be doing what I have been doing over the past two years. The Lord has made all things beautiful, but I do believe I have to stop running from who I am and live. It's time.
Anyhow, this is a lot to take in, but if anyone wants anymore cool information please don't hesitate to contact me. Especially about the spiritual gifts. A lot of people struggle with the importance of each gift and some that seem "greater" than others which we talked about and it was really cool to see how no one is more important than the other. If you struggle with this, please contact me.
Please keep praying for me. Though I am learning so much, the days can be really hard here, and I am very homesick. I miss home a lot. And some days I can barely get through. God has really been meeting my and taking me through each day. I am learning what it means to live in faith one day at a time. That is for sure. Keep praying. Thank you all.
Mucho Love
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